Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
This is kind of a long story, but without giving details, it would be hard to explain the problem. I'll try to keep it simple though.
When I was 2, my mom divorced my father. I was too young when it happened, so I have no memory of him ever living with us.
He would pick up my brother and I every weekend and while he doted on his beloved son, he would pretty much ignore me. I didn't like football and he drank a lot, so being with him was miserable for me. On times when I was sick or had cheer camp or something that interfered with visitation, he would take my brother on a shopping spree at the toy store and take him for ice cream. He would then guilt trip me for not going with him for the weekend. It sounds like petty stuff, but when you're a kid, those things hurt. But I finally got over it and continued to visit him as I was told. When I would visit him, the only conversations he had with me were about how terrible my mother is (and never once did my mother speak badly about him). When I was 10, he moved to Nebraska (we live in Ohio). At that time, I still loved him and didn't see through his act. I missed him so much, and I was upset that he left. I wrote to him every week and I tried calling the number that he left with my mother. Every single letter came back stamped "Return To Sender". The phone number never worked. Almost 2 years later, we got a call from my grandmother (his mom). She said he had been back in town for a few months and had just gotten married the day before. That's when the nightmare started. He suddenly stopped by one Sunday morning and demanded that we go with him for his rightful visitation. That was the first we had heard from him in almost 2 years! My mother, not wanting to keep us from him, told us to go with him. He took us to his apartment and introduced us to a woman that he referred to as "our new mommy". She's a very nice woman, and even today I do like her, but I have never once called her "mom". He began talking about getting custody of us, and started making plans and promises that if we lived with him, we would get everything we ever wanted. I was 12 and this was before cell phones and pagers were fairly new. He promised that I could have my own phone line in my room and a TV too. He promised all sorts of things that a young girl would want. But there was a catch. I had to tell the court that my step-dad was abusing me. That was a flat-out lie though. My step-dad raised me. He spoiled me like I was his own (and he still does). My step-dad isn't even my step-dad. In my eyes, he is daddy. He met my mom soon after the divorce, and he's been a constant in my life. My brother, however, went along with the lies. What was to follow was a 4 year battle in court. He didn't win. And he still owed my mother every penny of child support. He never once paid. So my mom and dad came up with an idea. They offered to drop the $20,000 in child support that he owed, as long as my father signed over his parental rights to my dad (step-dad). And he actually agreed! I was 16 and I felt like my father had just sold me for $20,000! By that time, my brother was already 18 and was serving in the Marine Corps, so he wasn't an issue in this.
I refused to speak with him after that, and legally I didn't have to see him anymore. He didn't bother me at all until someone in the family told him I was pregnant (in 2003 at the age of 21). Then he was suddenly trying to be "dad of the year". I soon stopped answering his calls when my husband and I refused to name our son after him and he yelled at me about it. That was 8 years ago. In 2007, he moved to Florida and in 2008 my brother moved down there to be near him. I saw my father in 2009 when he was in town for a wedding, and that was the last time. He's in town again now, he just got in last night. He keeps calling and says he wants to see my son and me. I don't drink or do drugs, but I am not even slightly joking about this- I seriously want a bottle of vodka or some kind of drugs to numb me right now.
I once told him how much I hate him and that I want nothing to do with him (that was back in 2004). I wrote him a letter explaining why. He wrote back and said that everything that had ever happened was MY fault! Really? I was just a little girl!
But all of that which I just wrote about is only part of the problem. Another problem is that he belongs to this "cult" and tries to push his religion on my son and me. I'm not a religious person, but if I were, I certainly wouldn't belong to a religion that preaches hatred (they are against homosexuality and preach that homosexuals should be killed). His religion also told him to go to Nebraska to "spread God's word". Well, I'm pretty sure that God didn't tell him to abandon me! When I had a miscarriage about 2 years ago, he called and told me to stop crying about it because a baby isn't alive until it takes it's first breath (supposedly it says that in the bible somewhere?) Obviously that felt very rude and insensitive of him!
Then there's the issue I hate to mention and would really rather forget... When I started "developing", he would make sexual comments about my body. When a friend of his started touching me, he looked the other way. This "friend" of his was a highly respected member of my father's cult-like church called "The Way". I don't have any recollection of my father actually "doing" anything to me as a child, but I have recurring nightmares of him raping me. And to make all of that even worse, every time I see him, he grabs my butt when he hugs me, and he'll slap me on the butt after a hug (and I HATE hugging him, but I'm pretty much forced to.) I'm going to be 30 years old in 2 months! He shouldn't be touching me at all! Because he's done that my whole life, I have always felt uncomfortable being touched by anyone, even people who are innocent of anything like that- my step-dad, my mom, even my closest friends. I just don't like being touched at all. The only people who can touch me are my husband and my son. I don't even like shaking hands with people!
So now I'm supposed to see him tonight and bring my son along. I don't want my son near him or knowing anything about him. Thankfully, he lives in Florida now, so my son doesn't really remember him or have any feelings for him. My step-dad is "grandpa" and he doesn't even know that my father is related to us.
So what can I do? Tell him to buzz off? Tell him straight up that I hate his guts? My brother didn't come with him on this trip, but he'll be here in a few weeks for our mom's birthday. My brother always makes me feel bad about the whole thing. When I didn't call my father on Father's Day, he was texting me for a week afterward about it. He was the whole reason I ever started talking to him after the letter I wrote explaining how I feel.
How do I get around this? Basically, if he died, I wouldn't shed a tear. I wouldn't care at all. Never seeing him again would be too soon. I'm so upset about seeing him tonight that I want to cry, puke, and run. I want to avoid him. But I'm almost 30 years old and I think I need to be more mature about this and just tough it out until he leaves next Monday. Any advice? Is it OK to avoid him? Or is that wrong of me and immature? What about my son? I don't want him around people like that, but he is "technically" family.
HELP! PLEASE!
When I was 2, my mom divorced my father. I was too young when it happened, so I have no memory of him ever living with us.
He would pick up my brother and I every weekend and while he doted on his beloved son, he would pretty much ignore me. I didn't like football and he drank a lot, so being with him was miserable for me. On times when I was sick or had cheer camp or something that interfered with visitation, he would take my brother on a shopping spree at the toy store and take him for ice cream. He would then guilt trip me for not going with him for the weekend. It sounds like petty stuff, but when you're a kid, those things hurt. But I finally got over it and continued to visit him as I was told. When I would visit him, the only conversations he had with me were about how terrible my mother is (and never once did my mother speak badly about him). When I was 10, he moved to Nebraska (we live in Ohio). At that time, I still loved him and didn't see through his act. I missed him so much, and I was upset that he left. I wrote to him every week and I tried calling the number that he left with my mother. Every single letter came back stamped "Return To Sender". The phone number never worked. Almost 2 years later, we got a call from my grandmother (his mom). She said he had been back in town for a few months and had just gotten married the day before. That's when the nightmare started. He suddenly stopped by one Sunday morning and demanded that we go with him for his rightful visitation. That was the first we had heard from him in almost 2 years! My mother, not wanting to keep us from him, told us to go with him. He took us to his apartment and introduced us to a woman that he referred to as "our new mommy". She's a very nice woman, and even today I do like her, but I have never once called her "mom". He began talking about getting custody of us, and started making plans and promises that if we lived with him, we would get everything we ever wanted. I was 12 and this was before cell phones and pagers were fairly new. He promised that I could have my own phone line in my room and a TV too. He promised all sorts of things that a young girl would want. But there was a catch. I had to tell the court that my step-dad was abusing me. That was a flat-out lie though. My step-dad raised me. He spoiled me like I was his own (and he still does). My step-dad isn't even my step-dad. In my eyes, he is daddy. He met my mom soon after the divorce, and he's been a constant in my life. My brother, however, went along with the lies. What was to follow was a 4 year battle in court. He didn't win. And he still owed my mother every penny of child support. He never once paid. So my mom and dad came up with an idea. They offered to drop the $20,000 in child support that he owed, as long as my father signed over his parental rights to my dad (step-dad). And he actually agreed! I was 16 and I felt like my father had just sold me for $20,000! By that time, my brother was already 18 and was serving in the Marine Corps, so he wasn't an issue in this.
I refused to speak with him after that, and legally I didn't have to see him anymore. He didn't bother me at all until someone in the family told him I was pregnant (in 2003 at the age of 21). Then he was suddenly trying to be "dad of the year". I soon stopped answering his calls when my husband and I refused to name our son after him and he yelled at me about it. That was 8 years ago. In 2007, he moved to Florida and in 2008 my brother moved down there to be near him. I saw my father in 2009 when he was in town for a wedding, and that was the last time. He's in town again now, he just got in last night. He keeps calling and says he wants to see my son and me. I don't drink or do drugs, but I am not even slightly joking about this- I seriously want a bottle of vodka or some kind of drugs to numb me right now.
I once told him how much I hate him and that I want nothing to do with him (that was back in 2004). I wrote him a letter explaining why. He wrote back and said that everything that had ever happened was MY fault! Really? I was just a little girl!
But all of that which I just wrote about is only part of the problem. Another problem is that he belongs to this "cult" and tries to push his religion on my son and me. I'm not a religious person, but if I were, I certainly wouldn't belong to a religion that preaches hatred (they are against homosexuality and preach that homosexuals should be killed). His religion also told him to go to Nebraska to "spread God's word". Well, I'm pretty sure that God didn't tell him to abandon me! When I had a miscarriage about 2 years ago, he called and told me to stop crying about it because a baby isn't alive until it takes it's first breath (supposedly it says that in the bible somewhere?) Obviously that felt very rude and insensitive of him!
Then there's the issue I hate to mention and would really rather forget... When I started "developing", he would make sexual comments about my body. When a friend of his started touching me, he looked the other way. This "friend" of his was a highly respected member of my father's cult-like church called "The Way". I don't have any recollection of my father actually "doing" anything to me as a child, but I have recurring nightmares of him raping me. And to make all of that even worse, every time I see him, he grabs my butt when he hugs me, and he'll slap me on the butt after a hug (and I HATE hugging him, but I'm pretty much forced to.) I'm going to be 30 years old in 2 months! He shouldn't be touching me at all! Because he's done that my whole life, I have always felt uncomfortable being touched by anyone, even people who are innocent of anything like that- my step-dad, my mom, even my closest friends. I just don't like being touched at all. The only people who can touch me are my husband and my son. I don't even like shaking hands with people!
So now I'm supposed to see him tonight and bring my son along. I don't want my son near him or knowing anything about him. Thankfully, he lives in Florida now, so my son doesn't really remember him or have any feelings for him. My step-dad is "grandpa" and he doesn't even know that my father is related to us.
So what can I do? Tell him to buzz off? Tell him straight up that I hate his guts? My brother didn't come with him on this trip, but he'll be here in a few weeks for our mom's birthday. My brother always makes me feel bad about the whole thing. When I didn't call my father on Father's Day, he was texting me for a week afterward about it. He was the whole reason I ever started talking to him after the letter I wrote explaining how I feel.
How do I get around this? Basically, if he died, I wouldn't shed a tear. I wouldn't care at all. Never seeing him again would be too soon. I'm so upset about seeing him tonight that I want to cry, puke, and run. I want to avoid him. But I'm almost 30 years old and I think I need to be more mature about this and just tough it out until he leaves next Monday. Any advice? Is it OK to avoid him? Or is that wrong of me and immature? What about my son? I don't want him around people like that, but he is "technically" family.
HELP! PLEASE!
fast forward to about 7 years ago, i am married and i haver 2 daughters, i found him on something on the internet, we talked for a while over yahoo. then nothing. recently i foudn him on facebook. we had been talking quite a lot now nothing again.
Bottom line is this i chose to meet my father, he keeps disappointing me still to this day but i decided when he wants to be around i am gonna get him for what i can over the last year he mailed me about 2 grand for either christmas for my kids or their birthdays or something. to me he was not around so i can treat him like hes just a casual acquaintence. and use him.
ok thats my story, now to give you some advice. you can listen to anyone, everyone no one or yourself, you have to decide. if you dont want him around, take soem deep breaths pick up the phone next time he calls and just say, you no longer want him to bother you, you dont want him in your life. and tell him, you werent there when i needed you, now you seem to need me so i am not here for you.
but remember this, think hard, make sure you wont have any regrets about what you do. and good luck in your decision,
First off I want to say that it was very brave of you to talk about all the things that have happened in the past with such great detail it takes a lot of courage just to do that. Your father sounds like a very confused mixed up human being and because of his past as well as how he is living his life now I think he is bad news and will only disturb and upset your life now.
For me and this is just my personal opinion I have never believed that saying that blood is thicker then water. A family to me are people who love, care, support and encourage you in achieving your goals in dreams and ask nothing in return but the same from you.
To me this is what makes a family and those are the kind of people I have in my life. I myself have family members that I no longer keep in touch with or have anything to do with. But I am at peace with that. I do not hate them I just do not want their negativity in my life because life is just way too short to keep giving them chances or allowing myself to feel guilty if I choose not to see them or see them.
Instead I focus on the people in my life that I can count on. So I think you should take a moment and think about what will make you, your husband and son most happy in life and I don't think having your dad in it will. If this is the road you decide to take and you are questioning how you should tell him well I believe that you should say what you feel and don't hold anything back.
It does not have to resort to name calling or getting nasty but he does need to be told in a firm way that he needs to move on with his life and let you move on with yours and you will no longer be associating with him. In fact if I were you I would not even let him see your son but that will have to be up to you. Why put him through it because all it would do is confuse him.
Some people feel that turning away a family member will only lead to regrets later. I disagree with that opinion because I believe everyone has a different situation the have to deal with and different feelings and some can move on and be just fine and others can't. My point is find out what will work for you and your family and go from there. Weigh your pros and cons. And remember every one's situation is different so you need to do what you feel is best for everyone involved.
If doubt is haunting you right now on what to do then I would suggest perhaps seeing a counselor to talk to before you make any permanent decisions. You have the control don't forget that so even if you are unsure you can still tell your dad that you won't be able to see him right now until you know for sure what final decision you want to make for the future.
Anyway I hope this helps a bit for you because I know it isn't easy but I think if you follow your instincts they will guide you in the right direction. Wishing you the very best now and in the future:)