Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
As I hinted in my previous post, I have issues with my SIL. I have really, really tried to like him but things have happened and I just can't fake it anymore. My main purpose in this topic is to ask, 'How do you find the strength to stand up for yourself and say no to someone who has worn out their welcome?"
I won't write a long post, just enough to allow background to understanding why I am in this place.
My daughter is bi-polar and is 100% reliable when it comes to taking her meds- that's never an issue. But she does seem to have an unhealthy attraction to bad boys. Every male she has a relationship with has had serious issues, drug abuse, jail, serious debt, DUI.
My SIL:
1- DUI that cost the family $6000 after fines and DUI classes. I paid for about half of it.
2- Back taxes of about $10K and back child support of about $5K.
3- has lost his DL several times due to non-payment of fines, currently it is valid.
4- destroyed his knee and needed surgery but REFUSED to go to a doctor about it. Turns he needed his ACL replaced but he only had it done with much pressure form the family. It cost him his job. How did he ruin his knee? A drunken escapade. With 2 weeks of surgery he got drunk and roller bladed even though the doctor told him to not do any strenuous activities. Refused to take the doctor's prescriptions because 'he doesn't like meds'. BUT he smokes pot and drink alcohol regularly.
I don't even know how much money I have spent on them in them past 5 years but it would easily total over $10K.
That's just a few things. I gave them 2 older cars to drive and they ended up getting them into accidents and I have let my daughter drive my car so that she can get to work for the past 2 years. I have been borrowing my BF's when I need a car. Now my BF has a new vehicle so he is letting my daughter have his old one so that I can get my car back.
This morning she said she wanted to get this old vehicle and give me my car back tonight after she gets off work. I said ok. Then I told her that I would like to have a heart to heart with her at some time. She texted me back, "I really don't want to. I know you like to talk but I don't, no offense. I'm just not in any kind of mood to talk to you."
WHOA!!!!!!!! Am I interpreting this correctly? I am thinking that this is her message: "I'm going to get a free car from your boyfriend but I don't want to talk to you."
I know that I have needed to make a boundary for awhile but I feel like this is it, this should be my last thing to tolerate.
So my question is: 'How do you find the strength to stand up for yourself and say no to someone who has worn out their welcome?" This will be really tough for me. I'm the typical people pleaser, enabler, helper kind of person.
I won't write a long post, just enough to allow background to understanding why I am in this place.
My daughter is bi-polar and is 100% reliable when it comes to taking her meds- that's never an issue. But she does seem to have an unhealthy attraction to bad boys. Every male she has a relationship with has had serious issues, drug abuse, jail, serious debt, DUI.
My SIL:
1- DUI that cost the family $6000 after fines and DUI classes. I paid for about half of it.
2- Back taxes of about $10K and back child support of about $5K.
3- has lost his DL several times due to non-payment of fines, currently it is valid.
4- destroyed his knee and needed surgery but REFUSED to go to a doctor about it. Turns he needed his ACL replaced but he only had it done with much pressure form the family. It cost him his job. How did he ruin his knee? A drunken escapade. With 2 weeks of surgery he got drunk and roller bladed even though the doctor told him to not do any strenuous activities. Refused to take the doctor's prescriptions because 'he doesn't like meds'. BUT he smokes pot and drink alcohol regularly.
I don't even know how much money I have spent on them in them past 5 years but it would easily total over $10K.
That's just a few things. I gave them 2 older cars to drive and they ended up getting them into accidents and I have let my daughter drive my car so that she can get to work for the past 2 years. I have been borrowing my BF's when I need a car. Now my BF has a new vehicle so he is letting my daughter have his old one so that I can get my car back.
This morning she said she wanted to get this old vehicle and give me my car back tonight after she gets off work. I said ok. Then I told her that I would like to have a heart to heart with her at some time. She texted me back, "I really don't want to. I know you like to talk but I don't, no offense. I'm just not in any kind of mood to talk to you."
WHOA!!!!!!!! Am I interpreting this correctly? I am thinking that this is her message: "I'm going to get a free car from your boyfriend but I don't want to talk to you."
I know that I have needed to make a boundary for awhile but I feel like this is it, this should be my last thing to tolerate.
So my question is: 'How do you find the strength to stand up for yourself and say no to someone who has worn out their welcome?" This will be really tough for me. I'm the typical people pleaser, enabler, helper kind of person.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
Your daughter is accustomed to having your financial support to take care of her poor choices in life. Inadvertently, you've created this problem with her and your SIL. It's in your daughter's best interest long term to shut off the money faucet and let them handle whatever future financial problems they have.
I think first off, you should seek the help you need to be in a stronger emotional state. It won't be easy cutting the finances off. You'll need the strength long term as I'm pretty sure there will be threats of estrangement from your daughter when you cut them off.
You interpreted your daughter correctly; she doesn't want the talk with you; she already knows she's abused the relationship financially BUT, you've never turned her down sooooo, there-in lies the rub!
I can't think of any additional advice right now.
Just wanted to add hugs of support.
This was a great update, thank you for posting.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Families-and-Friends-Of-Addicts/support-group
With the right support AnnBee, you'll be well on your way. I'm really happy that you sought out the support you need and are working in the right direction. Good for you!