Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
My mother-in-law has always favored her youngest daughter, giving her the sun and the moon while barely glancing at her other children. My husband sacrificed his childhood to raise the youngest daughter (his younger sister) and fell into the roll of his "family bitch." If anyone in the family ever needed help with anything, he was the one to call and he was always happy to help.
It has always bothered me how differently she has treated the youngest (let's call her Jane) in comparison to her other kids. Jane got her college tuition, housing, etc payed for and the others got student loans. Jane got financial assistance with two homes (her first wasn't big enough) while everyone else did it themselves.
I realize that I've made it sound like I'm upset over money. I don't care about that, that's just a small part of the blatant favoritism. Every spare moment is spend with Jane while the other children barely get any attention. Three out of four children live within 10 minutes from one another but it doesn't matter. Her grandchildren are being treated differently as well. Jane's kids get prime Grandma time while the others barely see her. We don't have kids so my husband rarely sees his Mom.
Why do I care? I'm lying on an air mattress in my husband's hospital room while he suffers from an aggressive cancer surgery. We had to go out of state for the surgery and will be away from home for weeks. He was diagnosed with stage four terminal cancer 9 months ago. You would think that he would get more attention from his Mother. Yes, he gets more attention from her than he did before cancer but it's not a huge difference.
She offers to come over and help a couple times a week. 90% of the time she doesn't show up. No call, no explanation. I always find out that she was hanging out with Jane and her kids.
Whenever Jane has a baby, her Mom gives her all of her days off (the work at the same company) to use when her maternity leave is up. She's has three children now, the last being a year old now. Now she barely has any time off.
Why do I care about how she uses her time off? As I mentioned, we're in the hospital right now. He endured a 7 hour surgery and was in the ICU for four days. Now we're in the step down unit and aren't anywhere close to going home. She took a few days off so she could be here during his surgery which was wonderful support. Oh, by the way, her other daughter is about to have a baby and she almost got out of supporting her dying son to play with her new Grandbaby (I do understand what a big deal that is). She hopped back on a plane the morning after his surgery.
We're on day 5 post surgery now and it has been really hard on him. I'm on my own as his only caretaker and I'm exhausted. He needs me as his advocate all the time, 24/7 and I'm at my breaking point. Oh how I wish, she were here to relieve me for a few hours to sleep. I have a physical disability that makes me it very hard to do this but I'm forcing myself through somehow.
I just needed to vent. I know I Just need to sleep. It's just so hard to watch my husband suffer and not have the support he deserves.
Back to work I go!
It has always bothered me how differently she has treated the youngest (let's call her Jane) in comparison to her other kids. Jane got her college tuition, housing, etc payed for and the others got student loans. Jane got financial assistance with two homes (her first wasn't big enough) while everyone else did it themselves.
I realize that I've made it sound like I'm upset over money. I don't care about that, that's just a small part of the blatant favoritism. Every spare moment is spend with Jane while the other children barely get any attention. Three out of four children live within 10 minutes from one another but it doesn't matter. Her grandchildren are being treated differently as well. Jane's kids get prime Grandma time while the others barely see her. We don't have kids so my husband rarely sees his Mom.
Why do I care? I'm lying on an air mattress in my husband's hospital room while he suffers from an aggressive cancer surgery. We had to go out of state for the surgery and will be away from home for weeks. He was diagnosed with stage four terminal cancer 9 months ago. You would think that he would get more attention from his Mother. Yes, he gets more attention from her than he did before cancer but it's not a huge difference.
She offers to come over and help a couple times a week. 90% of the time she doesn't show up. No call, no explanation. I always find out that she was hanging out with Jane and her kids.
Whenever Jane has a baby, her Mom gives her all of her days off (the work at the same company) to use when her maternity leave is up. She's has three children now, the last being a year old now. Now she barely has any time off.
Why do I care about how she uses her time off? As I mentioned, we're in the hospital right now. He endured a 7 hour surgery and was in the ICU for four days. Now we're in the step down unit and aren't anywhere close to going home. She took a few days off so she could be here during his surgery which was wonderful support. Oh, by the way, her other daughter is about to have a baby and she almost got out of supporting her dying son to play with her new Grandbaby (I do understand what a big deal that is). She hopped back on a plane the morning after his surgery.
We're on day 5 post surgery now and it has been really hard on him. I'm on my own as his only caretaker and I'm exhausted. He needs me as his advocate all the time, 24/7 and I'm at my breaking point. Oh how I wish, she were here to relieve me for a few hours to sleep. I have a physical disability that makes me it very hard to do this but I'm forcing myself through somehow.
I just needed to vent. I know I Just need to sleep. It's just so hard to watch my husband suffer and not have the support he deserves.
Back to work I go!
It really stinks about the situation, but that's HIS mother, so I'd try to stay out his family dynamics.
You mention that YOU are exhausted and need help... How about asking YOUR family to help?
Hugs.
Best stay away from your In-Law's business. As the Swedes say, "Not my Circus! Not my Monkey!"
I think I'd just focus on other people for support instead of wasting energy feeling bitter about her.
You are being a good wife. I'd try to see how your local support network can help you.
Remember, if you burn out, you'll not be good to your husband.
Go home. Sleep. Reward yourself. You don't need to do a vigil. You need to be STRONG. That means taking care of your needs.
Go to groups for support. You'll be on a huge emotional ride for a long time and you'll need to vent to others who've been there.
Of course, you're welcome here, but I bet the hospital can set you up better than we can.
Hugs and prayers for you and your family.
--EJ
I think the issue is comparing one child's treatment to another. She may have her reasons... It's not that the sister's getting more attention; it's that the poster needs more help than she's getting. The sister could win the lottery; that's not going to make helping her husband fight cancer.
I say, stop the comparison, and just focus on meeting your own needs. Trust the doctors to do their jobs and help when you can.
Hugs.