I have an amazing therapist.. She's a clinical psychologist. She said, "You were the scapegoat in your family." It really didn't sink in until Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I was alone feeling so isolated and unloved. And her word "Scapegoat" came back and cut through the depression fog. I started reading more and more about the dysfuntional family and scapegoating.
I posted here a while ago about how my brother Jay (we are adults. He is 49. I am 66) bullied mel recently. I had to go no-contact with him and block him. Permanently.
It is all crystal clear now. My brother cheated on his girlfriend. I knew about it. I knew of 3 other women. I never told him or her that I knew. Or anyone. His girlfriend finally caught him cheating and told me. I still said nothing that I ever knew. (There were others) Jay started going off on me and verbally and emotionally abusing me, just short of threatening. And his girlfriend joined in the feeding frenzy. I asked them what was it that I did ??? They had no answer, just continued the onslaught; Then they said that the whole problem was that I could not "handle it" when she told me he cheated. (Um.. I apparently handled it well for over 3 years never telling anyone) I understand now that Jay bullied me to take the focus off the terrible thing he did to his girlfriend and make me the scapegoat. Since the no contact, Jay tells different versions of the fallout to others.
So on Christmas Eve, all of the loneliness and ostracism I have endured from my family my entire life came flooding back to me. My father was histrionic, explosive, unpredictable, and emotionally, verbally, physically and subtly sexually abusive to me. I was the only girl with 3 brothers. My mother was shut down and unemotional. She was a chronic complainer and used me as a sounding board. My brothers labeled her "a saint." Believe me, she was not. She did nothing to protect me. I became pregnant at 15 by a friend of my fathers. I was to blame for it all. I left home at 16. I was constantly reminded of what a disgrace I was to the family my entire life. I endured labels of being a bitch, crazy, etc. That legacy continues. I went to college. I graduated with highest honors. I wanted my father to approve. He put me down and ridiculed my degree. I internalized all their words and labels all of my life. I've had 3 failed marriages to narcissistic men. My family blamed me for the divorces and failed relationships. My oldest brother accused me of "making up stories" when I spoke up about the abuse.
I spent this Christmas in bed, in tears. mourning my sad childhood, my being bullied and blamed for the misery and problems of my family. Yesterday I got up and believed that I am none of the things that they said about me. I refuse to believe those lies and accept those labels anymore. I've been a musician and entertainer my entire adult life. This emotional pain has fueled my songs with fire and passion. I am not a bad person. I am loving. I am good. I am honest and loyal. I care about people and animals and the earth. I am a true friend. I am a beautiful person with a tremendous heart. I now leave behind that horrific family legacy and move to a life of love and light. Thank you all for allowing me to write this. Blessings.