Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
Ok this is mainly to vent.. I have a mother that is what I believe to be bipolar. Anyways she treats me like I am a 12 year old child and i am not, anyways a few months ago my dad a massive heart attack and almost didn't make it. Thankfully he did and it took its toll on my family. I have tried to be supportive and help out as best i can however I have my own family that i have to take care of and can't be there 100% of the time. My mother has a tendency to disown me any time that i don't do what she requests or if i tell her no or if i disagree with what she is saying. I don't know why i continue to try with her but I know they are having a tough time and were on the verge of losing everything. She keeps trying to make my 13 year old son responsible for checking on my dad while she is at work and over the summer pretty much expected my son to babysit my dad when he is capable to take care of himself he just has some short term memory issues from the heart attack. I disagreed with her about my son caring for my dad as he is a child and doesn't need that responsibility and guess what I was disowned. I have been dead to her off and on about 15-20 times in the last 5 years and then a few days later she missed me and i was alive and well again.
So yesterday I get a text telling me that she is going to leave my dad because he is drinking and I need to take care of him now. This all started because earlier in the day she asked for a ride to the store and at that moment i was unavailable and couldn't just drop what i was doing and i offered to take her later and she refused. So she mostly said that she was leaving because she is tired of dealing with the stress of working for two people and she feels that no one cares. Now with my dad being sick and dealing with that stress shortly after my husband and I separated and just recently with in the last two weeks got back together so yes I have been trying to fix my own life and get it back on track so I can't give all my attention to my parents.
It seems that when the attention isn't on my mother and her issues she curses the world and blasts her family for not caring and being horrible people on facebook or where ever she can to get a reaction. I wish there was something more i could do but she refuses to get help and just lashes out on those who try. Am i wrong for giving up this time? I can't keep going through the ups and downs that she puts me through. I have enough to deal with and not adding her petty drama too.
As a side note and this is going to sound bad on my behalf however while my dad was in the hospital on life support she wanted him to make it and he did and now that he is not completely the same as before the attack she wants out. I find that to be horrible that she would leave when she vowed to be by his side no matter what as a wife, i get things are stressful and that she is having to deal with everything pretty much on her own, however pushing your family away when most of us have tried to help and again those who have its never good enough there isn't any easy button or instant fix to her problems. I can't give her money or have them live with me because i can barely hold my own head above water currently, so i have done everything else i can to help out.
Just sick of trying and being told its not good enough and i am selfish for no reason.
So yesterday I get a text telling me that she is going to leave my dad because he is drinking and I need to take care of him now. This all started because earlier in the day she asked for a ride to the store and at that moment i was unavailable and couldn't just drop what i was doing and i offered to take her later and she refused. So she mostly said that she was leaving because she is tired of dealing with the stress of working for two people and she feels that no one cares. Now with my dad being sick and dealing with that stress shortly after my husband and I separated and just recently with in the last two weeks got back together so yes I have been trying to fix my own life and get it back on track so I can't give all my attention to my parents.
It seems that when the attention isn't on my mother and her issues she curses the world and blasts her family for not caring and being horrible people on facebook or where ever she can to get a reaction. I wish there was something more i could do but she refuses to get help and just lashes out on those who try. Am i wrong for giving up this time? I can't keep going through the ups and downs that she puts me through. I have enough to deal with and not adding her petty drama too.
As a side note and this is going to sound bad on my behalf however while my dad was in the hospital on life support she wanted him to make it and he did and now that he is not completely the same as before the attack she wants out. I find that to be horrible that she would leave when she vowed to be by his side no matter what as a wife, i get things are stressful and that she is having to deal with everything pretty much on her own, however pushing your family away when most of us have tried to help and again those who have its never good enough there isn't any easy button or instant fix to her problems. I can't give her money or have them live with me because i can barely hold my own head above water currently, so i have done everything else i can to help out.
Just sick of trying and being told its not good enough and i am selfish for no reason.
It's not uncommon for people who are suddenly forced to become caregivers to rebel. Especially when it's a spouse because they suddenly see the rest of their lives being consumed by the needs of a spouse. Mom needs to find a caregivers support group..there are some here on DS.
I'm a little confused about your mom's abilities. You mention her "working for two" so I'm guessing she has a job. But then you say she needed a ride to the store. How does she get to work? Or is she just calling you to go to the store with her so she has company?
I think you are doing a good job standing up to mom. But you need to be more consistent in what you do and what you say. Kindly explain to mom what you are able to do for her. "I can take you food shopping on Thursday night" "I can come by on Sunday morning to do any odd jobs on the house" "I can sit with dad one night during the week"
You mention dad drinking. Is that real or just an excuse she is using? One drink might be fine if his DR oks it but heavy drinking is definately a problem. It might be a good idea to go see dad when mom is at work. Find out his side of the story.
Check out the Caregivers group here on DS. You might get some insight into what it is like to care for a spouse. Your mom has had her life turned upside down. It sounds like you have had a lifetime of abuse from her which is unacceptable. But it will help you deal with her if you can understand what she is dealing with now.
Sounds like this is NOT the first time your mother has been selfish and one sided.
This is HER situation to deal with. If she abandons your father, then it's up to HIM to pursue things legally. But then he'd need help- are there any sisters or brothers of yours?
If i mention therapy or for my mom to get help she blows up and tells me to mind my own business and there is nothing wrong with her. I have been saying the same thing forever but its never her its the world that's wrong. and again i can't tell her anything that she doesn't agree because then i am being disrespectful and i am disowned again. She is the queen of disowning people.
Its funny because she forgets all the years of money or food I have gave them or things that she stole and pawned from me when i was younger, but if i bring it up and say look mom I have done nothing but help you and now your being unreasonable. she would snap and tell me to shut up and that she never wants to talk to me again and then a few weeks later she misses me and the world is right and i am back to being her daughter. sometimes its so bad that it causes stress in my marriage because i am constantly battling her and she believes that she sets the rules for me and when she can see my son but she behaves like that I don't want him around it and either does my husband but then i feel guilty because I lost my grandparents at a young age and I didn't grow up with them and don't want to take my son away from them but when they can't be reasonable or are showing him horrible examples of how to live then no freaking way is it happening. Its just sad because i am an only child and all of my moms family is back east and my dads family is only his siblings and his younger brother lives next door to them however is a heavy drinker too so not helpful for my dad.
Just sucks that at a time where we should come together it pulls us apart and I get stuck in the middle of drama that shouldn't be happening.
I would make more space between you and your parents. Don't always answer the phone when she calls. Limit any time you spend with them, even cut it off for a while. Spend your time and energy on your family.
Your parents are both competent adults. There is nothing you can do to force them to do what you want. So you need to walk away. Leave them to make their own decisions. If mom tries to drag you in you tell her it's her life. There are plenty of resource out there to help both of them.