Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
It has been an issue for years with my MIL. She expects us at EVERY holiday and EVERY Birthday. This was at least 15 birthdays a year and at least Easter, Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, and New Year's Day. My MIL is impossible to please. She has to control everything and dislikes anyone that doesn't give her exactly what she wants ALL the time. My daughter has autism (high functioning), which my MIL refuses to acknowledge. Being around a large family (15-20 people is average) stresses her out. So, not only was I sick of the lack of boundaries and how I was treated, it was stressing our 6 year old daughter out to the point she'd get tummy aches and complete meltdowns (my MIL refuses to acknowledge that these happen). So, we tried something new last January. We set up a calendar of which holidays and which birthdays we'd go to. We went to Easter, July 4th, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, and agreed to celebrate Christmas but not on Christmas Eve or Christmas. Hubby and I also agreed to limit birthdays to 2 hours. Other holidays would be limited to 3 hours with the exception of Thanksgiving being all day since that is the major holiday my MIL gets this year (we have decided to rotate Christmas and Thanksgiving every other year). The problem? It's been an uphill struggle with my MIL. She throws a fit when we don't come (Like Memorial Weekend my husband's great grandmother landed in the hospital... MIL was pissed at us because it was not a holiday we chose to come over so she didn't tell us about great grandma but she made sure to tell all the other children and relatives). She also manipulates it so dinner won't be accomplished in 2 hours. I asked her when super was going to be served for Labor Day. She said 5pm, so I told her we'd be there at 4:30pm. Super wasn't served until about 6:30pm. So, our plan isn't working. I'm to the point that I want to throw our calendar out the window and let hubby go over to his mom's with our 2 kids without me. The deal would be is hubby would have to make sure our daughter wasn't getting stressed out, but no time limits. He doesn't like going over there much either but feels guilty. This would eliminate my stress. Also, it can't fall back on me when things go badly. My mother also violates our boundaries, but I stand up to her. We also live 1200 miles away (for very good reason). When she can't respect our boundaries, she doesn't talk to my kids (my decision), isn't allowed to visit, and I refuse to visit them. My husband has only seen my family for my sister's wedding 4 years ago, my grandmother's death 18 months ago, and recently last month because my grandfather is dying. I have seen my family twice otherwise and neither time was my husband expected to go because my mother is very manipulative about how she treats him. I'm looking for a healthy boundary with my MIL that she can't ruin with her manipulative behavior. Other than hubby going by himself with the kids, what other ideas are there? I'm sick and tired of the stress, drama, and tension.
You certainly can't change your MIL's behavior or her ways and you should not let her stress you out. I know it isn't easy but remember you have control of how her behavior affects you. If your hubby feels guilty about not seeing his mom or following her family traditions perhaps the two of you can work it out so he can go by himself from time to time either with the kids or without.
To me you can't please everyone no matter how hard you try however in my opinion you and your husband need to put your needs and your kids needs first no matter what. So either your MIL can accept that or not it is her choice. She can moan and complain all she wants but it isn't going to affect your happiness with your family and that is something you need to be strong about.
Anyway talk it over with hubby and hopefully between the two of you things will start to get better. The only way it will get worse is if you two let his mother rule your lives and I don't think either of you want that. It might be tough for awhile but I figure in the long run much happier days will find their way to you very soon if you do not get angry or stressed at your MIL or let her demands disrupt your lives in negative ways. Hope this helps a bit. Wishing you the very best:)
Thank you. I do need to remember not to let her temper tantrums stress me out. In the end, I guess I either want things to be peaceful or I don't want to be around it...it comes from my own crazy childhood. I need to remember that even though that's what I want, it's not always reality. So, I should quit caring when she throws a fit. My husband and I are on the same page with everything but his mom throwing her fits makes him feel bad causing him to be stressed out before and after the event. He doesn't want me to stay home...it's me looking for a way out. Thanks again. I appreciate the feedback!