Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
Eight years ago our youngest son married a divorcee with 2 children. From the beginning of their marriage she worked at phasing us out of our son's life. She also worked at getting his son from a previous marriage out of his life, and all of my son's friends as well. She is a manipulator and a liar. She mentally abused me and enjoyed seeing me cry. My son never believed that she did this to me as she would do these things when he wasn't present. She had our son tell us that we weren't to come to visit unless we were invited. We then wouldn't get invited. She had our son tell us that we couldn't visit unless we called first. Then she would change the phone numbers and have us blocked. Our son thinks that we are the ones who have severed the relationship. Five years ago he left us a letter at our house telling us that we were "jerks" and that we needed to take his wife out to lunch and apologize to her. For what? He also said that we never did anything to support him. So I wrote a letter back and listed 25 major things that we have done to help him since he left our home as an adult, and asked him where in that list that he saw that we never supported him. WE love our son, and we miss him, but we can't have any relationship with him while she is in the picture.
Recently he made a suicide attempt. His wife has blamed us for this and has convinced him, too, that we are to blame. However, they are seeing a marriage counselor, and our son is living with our oldest son right now. We have said we will not have anything to do with him until she is completely out of the picture because we know if we got back into the picture, she would start the whole thing over again. I cannot go through this again. We lost our only daughter to suicide 13 years ago and I have been in a depression ever since (and on meds for it). I cannot handle the mental abuse his wife feels she needs to dish out to me. I am seeking a viewpoint from neutral parties (you in the group) as to whether I am being unreasonable by sticking to my guns about no relationship with our son until she is completely out of the picture.
Recently he made a suicide attempt. His wife has blamed us for this and has convinced him, too, that we are to blame. However, they are seeing a marriage counselor, and our son is living with our oldest son right now. We have said we will not have anything to do with him until she is completely out of the picture because we know if we got back into the picture, she would start the whole thing over again. I cannot go through this again. We lost our only daughter to suicide 13 years ago and I have been in a depression ever since (and on meds for it). I cannot handle the mental abuse his wife feels she needs to dish out to me. I am seeking a viewpoint from neutral parties (you in the group) as to whether I am being unreasonable by sticking to my guns about no relationship with our son until she is completely out of the picture.
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
{{{hugs}}}
Placing restrictions on your son, and not seeing him, puts a huge strain on him. You are asking him to choose between you and his wife. Do you have a partner? Would you like it if one of your parents put that kind of strain on you until you chose between them or your husband.
As a parent, I know you love your son, but I have seen the problems in my marriage by a meddling, controlling, unreasonable, self centered all about her mother. I'm not saying this is you. In my opinion, my MIL is selfish and only cares how it works for her. My marriage probably isn't even salvagable anymore, after my husband has been made to feel so guilty for not being a loyal son, that it has all but made him into someone I don't know anymore or trust. It can be devastating.
You need to let your son go back to his wife. You need to bud out. Maybe your son can come over and visit once in a while alone. You will still have him in your life. And, if your daughter in law doesn't want you to come over, well, as hard as it is, you will have to accept it. You had/have your life, now let them live theirs. The more you push, the more they pull away. You can't force yourself on someone else.
Obviously, with the way your son is right now, this has put a huge amount of stress on him. If he is happy with his wife, why do you want to take that away from him. Isn't it a parent's job to want their kids to be happy.
There must have been something that happened between you and your DIL. Most women usually gravitate to her family. Sometimes, life doesn't turn out the way you want it to. This is not your life, you are going to have to accept it.
One last thing. Maybe you can go into therapy with your son and come to some understanding about things, that might make it easier on both of you.
I also want to say, I'm sorry about your daughter. That truly must be a very hard thing to go through.
I have a wonderful MIL and my FIL was a wonderful man. My daughter had been married, but was divorced a couple of years before her death. We still have a wonderful relationship with our former SIL and his present wife. We visit with them often, and everytime we see them, they hug us and tell us they love us. We still have a wonderful relationship with our son's first wife (which the evil DIL doesn't like). Our oldest son is married to a great gal, and she tells us we are the greatest in-laws any girl could have. So, excuse me, but the problem isn't us.
This evil DIL is truly evil. That is why we stay away. We have been counseled to stay away. The trouble with their marriage now has nothing to do with my husband and me (as we have been told). Our son found out that she had been lying to him for a long, long time about many things. We don't know what those things are because we choose not to get involved. We have offered to go to counseling with our son, but he has ignored our offer. As long as she is in the picture, there will be no reconciliation because I can't go through this over and over again for my own mental health.
I'm sorry that you and your MIL don't get along. Pray for her like I pray for my daughter-in-law. I only wish the best for my DIL even though she has treated me so badly. I have forgiven her long ago, but I am intelligent enough to know when a hopeless cause is staring me in the face.
My MIL is lying and manipulating my husband, because when her life is unfulfilling, and she gets bored, she just retired and her common law husband is older now and getting dementia, she then wants her children in her life. If that makes sense. She uses them to fulfill herself when she needs it, and when she finds something better, you don't see or hear much from her again. You see, no one is as important as her and her relationships and I am hindering her from having that close relationship she needs with her son right now. Because she wants him close to her, not me. That and she feels I ruined my husbands relationship with her other son. She blames everything on everyone else, except where it clearly should be, and that is on her.
My husband for some reason I believe, knows she is wrong, but won't tell her and feels he has to be there for her. It also makes him feel good to have his mother lavish this on him. She never really did when they were young. So, that is my version of a meddling MIL. That is where my advice comes from.
I hope things with your son get better, and he can deal positively with his marriage crisis and this can hopefully, resolve itself where most ppl can be happy.
Good luck.
I have a motto that I live by - "There is no excuse good enough for hurting someone's feelings."