Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
Hello everybody. This post may get a bit long so please indulge me. A day in the life with my girlfriend of 5 years:
Back in November after a blowup with her family and I went to see a friend overnight we had a significant snow storm. Kathy has a snow blower and her niece's husband used to clean his drive way (3 rows over) and ours. Well after that storm he took the snow blower and did his drive way, but did not do ours. Several days later we found a lock on our shed unknown to us. They gave us the lame excuse that they didn't want some of their stuff stolen stored in the shed before they had a chance to go through the shed for their stuff (which they finally did 4 days ago). 5 weeks later They kept the snow blower over their house. I was livid and was going to say something, but in deference to Kathy who asked me not to I didn't. Her reason was they wouldn't talk to her again. Well, since we weren't going to be here after February 1st and the home doesn't change hands until April 1st as we are moving 40 minutes away (that caused the initial family crisis) I suggested we approach the neighbor across the street who has a plow on his truck to keep the driveway clear until April 1st as we might need to get into the trailer to clean it and check to make sure things were OK now and then and give him say $200 for the season. Kathy said let's ask my nephew to do it and give him the $200. Against my strong better judgment I agreed. Well, we had like 3 inches ending about noon yesterday (Saturday) and as of this writing 11am (Sunday) the driveway has not been touched. Her nephew is coming over later to go through the pots and pans he wanted that w aren't taking and I asked Kathy if she was going to ask him about the driveway or did she want me to. Her response was she'll ask her nephew's 10 year old son who is visiting to do it. I said sarcastically, "We didn't give his son $200 to do it". Subsequently, her nephew booked a trip to SC from 2/23 returning 3/3. I've decided to let it be for now as I know how difficult this move is on Kathy, but this is not what I would call a close family, but a very dysfunctional one that has taken such a toll on Kathy (of course she doesn't see it). However, this is being filed away as a good example of the type of dysfunction in the way the family relates to Kathy. Incidents of this nature do tend to build though and is what caused me to blow up initially back in November over a somewhat small thing.
Then there was the time that her nephew's live in girlfriend needed $2000 to hire a lawyer. The nephew was going to get some money $95K from a 401K soon. I offered to front the money and when he got access the first thing was to pay me back. So far he bought a $14K trailer and will be withdrawing another 8K for home improvements this spring. Kathy's nephew came over this afternoon as planned to get some things he wanted (pots and pans) and before coming in shoveled the driveway. They stayed about 2 hours and I found that reasonable as Kathy had not seen the nephews two kids for a long time. While they were here Kathy's brother called. I was moving boxes around and began taking out the garbage (4 heavy bags). As I picked up the 2nd one Kathy said to her nephew, "Bucky can you help take out the garbage" and he did. Got a bit perturbed that "family" would not have to be asked. While they were here they showed us all these houses in South Carolina and a comment was made, perhaps in jest, "If we didn't have the kids or if they could come with us we might move there." We are moving 40 minutes away and they had a conniption, but 14 hours is OK. After they left she called the brother back and he kept her on the phone for at least 45 minutes. Kathy was not feeling well as she had a headache and was and was nauseous. I told her to rest and made her as comfortable as possible. My stomach didn't feel all that great either and was tired. Kathy was on the couch watching TV. I asked her if she wanted to lie down in the bedroom as I was going to. She said she was OK on the couch. I fell asleep for about 1 and 45 minutes. I got up and went to the living room and 15 minutes later the phone rang, it was her niece. Her niece fell yesterday and wanted to show her the big black and blue mark on her hip. Kathy asked me is it alright if I go. You see it's not going to work if I exert my will over Kathy's. Perhaps, some day but I doubt it she will be able to say no sometimes because she wants to. Kathy left here at about 5:30 to see the bruise. She got a phone call from the cousin while she was out at about 6:45. Her cousin has healthier responses as when I told her why she went she said whoop dee dooo when I told her about the reason. Kathy arrived home at 7:30 apologizing that it took so long but they were laughing so hard watching American Funniest Videos. I told her about the cousins phone call and she called her back (20 minutes). It might be done for the night but we haven't heard from the sister yet. I was wrong the sister just called 5 minutes after the cousin.
The phone call with the sister was short as the sister had another call to make. If the family calls were all like that except when there was some meaningful news may be I wouldn't have as much of a problem with it. After phone call from her sister I asked her how she felt. She still has a headache and her stomach ache. Since we needed baby aspirin (Kathy had a heart attack a few months back) I suggested we get out of the house together since we're getting a bad snow storm tomorrow and grab a cup of coffee and go for a drive for a bit as we may be snowed in for 36 hours. I could tell from the expression on her face she wasn't up to it. And she said we can get the aspirin tomorrow before the snow storm. But if it's a pimple on her families ass she jumps to life. I am going to try and contain myself and be patient. She is in the bath now. I'm going to tell her nicely through the bathroom door that I'm going to get the aspirin and I'll be back in an hour or so and crank the tunes...
This is why I develop coping mechanisms and pursue my own interests too much computer time and sleeping a bit too much during the day.
As I am writing this now and recounting yesterday I gotta go now because she just got off the the daily phone a 40 minute phone call and I'm trying not to neglect her. Getting mad or discussing this stuff with her does no good. Perhaps when we get settled at the new place 40 minutes away things will even out, but I have my doubts. In any case I hope me talking to a counselor which I need to get anyway since mine of 23 years just retired. I think Kathy is willing to go too...Sorry for any mistakes as I didn't have time to edit...Bye and thanks again for wading through a long post.
Back in November after a blowup with her family and I went to see a friend overnight we had a significant snow storm. Kathy has a snow blower and her niece's husband used to clean his drive way (3 rows over) and ours. Well after that storm he took the snow blower and did his drive way, but did not do ours. Several days later we found a lock on our shed unknown to us. They gave us the lame excuse that they didn't want some of their stuff stolen stored in the shed before they had a chance to go through the shed for their stuff (which they finally did 4 days ago). 5 weeks later They kept the snow blower over their house. I was livid and was going to say something, but in deference to Kathy who asked me not to I didn't. Her reason was they wouldn't talk to her again. Well, since we weren't going to be here after February 1st and the home doesn't change hands until April 1st as we are moving 40 minutes away (that caused the initial family crisis) I suggested we approach the neighbor across the street who has a plow on his truck to keep the driveway clear until April 1st as we might need to get into the trailer to clean it and check to make sure things were OK now and then and give him say $200 for the season. Kathy said let's ask my nephew to do it and give him the $200. Against my strong better judgment I agreed. Well, we had like 3 inches ending about noon yesterday (Saturday) and as of this writing 11am (Sunday) the driveway has not been touched. Her nephew is coming over later to go through the pots and pans he wanted that w aren't taking and I asked Kathy if she was going to ask him about the driveway or did she want me to. Her response was she'll ask her nephew's 10 year old son who is visiting to do it. I said sarcastically, "We didn't give his son $200 to do it". Subsequently, her nephew booked a trip to SC from 2/23 returning 3/3. I've decided to let it be for now as I know how difficult this move is on Kathy, but this is not what I would call a close family, but a very dysfunctional one that has taken such a toll on Kathy (of course she doesn't see it). However, this is being filed away as a good example of the type of dysfunction in the way the family relates to Kathy. Incidents of this nature do tend to build though and is what caused me to blow up initially back in November over a somewhat small thing.
Then there was the time that her nephew's live in girlfriend needed $2000 to hire a lawyer. The nephew was going to get some money $95K from a 401K soon. I offered to front the money and when he got access the first thing was to pay me back. So far he bought a $14K trailer and will be withdrawing another 8K for home improvements this spring. Kathy's nephew came over this afternoon as planned to get some things he wanted (pots and pans) and before coming in shoveled the driveway. They stayed about 2 hours and I found that reasonable as Kathy had not seen the nephews two kids for a long time. While they were here Kathy's brother called. I was moving boxes around and began taking out the garbage (4 heavy bags). As I picked up the 2nd one Kathy said to her nephew, "Bucky can you help take out the garbage" and he did. Got a bit perturbed that "family" would not have to be asked. While they were here they showed us all these houses in South Carolina and a comment was made, perhaps in jest, "If we didn't have the kids or if they could come with us we might move there." We are moving 40 minutes away and they had a conniption, but 14 hours is OK. After they left she called the brother back and he kept her on the phone for at least 45 minutes. Kathy was not feeling well as she had a headache and was and was nauseous. I told her to rest and made her as comfortable as possible. My stomach didn't feel all that great either and was tired. Kathy was on the couch watching TV. I asked her if she wanted to lie down in the bedroom as I was going to. She said she was OK on the couch. I fell asleep for about 1 and 45 minutes. I got up and went to the living room and 15 minutes later the phone rang, it was her niece. Her niece fell yesterday and wanted to show her the big black and blue mark on her hip. Kathy asked me is it alright if I go. You see it's not going to work if I exert my will over Kathy's. Perhaps, some day but I doubt it she will be able to say no sometimes because she wants to. Kathy left here at about 5:30 to see the bruise. She got a phone call from the cousin while she was out at about 6:45. Her cousin has healthier responses as when I told her why she went she said whoop dee dooo when I told her about the reason. Kathy arrived home at 7:30 apologizing that it took so long but they were laughing so hard watching American Funniest Videos. I told her about the cousins phone call and she called her back (20 minutes). It might be done for the night but we haven't heard from the sister yet. I was wrong the sister just called 5 minutes after the cousin.
The phone call with the sister was short as the sister had another call to make. If the family calls were all like that except when there was some meaningful news may be I wouldn't have as much of a problem with it. After phone call from her sister I asked her how she felt. She still has a headache and her stomach ache. Since we needed baby aspirin (Kathy had a heart attack a few months back) I suggested we get out of the house together since we're getting a bad snow storm tomorrow and grab a cup of coffee and go for a drive for a bit as we may be snowed in for 36 hours. I could tell from the expression on her face she wasn't up to it. And she said we can get the aspirin tomorrow before the snow storm. But if it's a pimple on her families ass she jumps to life. I am going to try and contain myself and be patient. She is in the bath now. I'm going to tell her nicely through the bathroom door that I'm going to get the aspirin and I'll be back in an hour or so and crank the tunes...
This is why I develop coping mechanisms and pursue my own interests too much computer time and sleeping a bit too much during the day.
As I am writing this now and recounting yesterday I gotta go now because she just got off the the daily phone a 40 minute phone call and I'm trying not to neglect her. Getting mad or discussing this stuff with her does no good. Perhaps when we get settled at the new place 40 minutes away things will even out, but I have my doubts. In any case I hope me talking to a counselor which I need to get anyway since mine of 23 years just retired. I think Kathy is willing to go too...Sorry for any mistakes as I didn't have time to edit...Bye and thanks again for wading through a long post.
Do I have this right- "Kathy" is willing to pay 200 dollars to have someone use HER snowblower on her OWN property???
Yeah, that's dysfunction.