Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I posted here about a month ago about my pain and agony of being the family scapegoat my entire life. It is a legacy of my father's creation to take the most sensitive and child (also the most vulnerable) and put all of the blame for the family dysfunction on to her (me). This legacy continued by other family members buying into the belief, including my brother Jay, whom I have gone no-contact for a year. Also my ex-husband during our marriage would bring this up (in front of the children), saying what a "family bitch" I always have been and blamed for their unhappiness. My adult son has even at times believed this family legacy as well.
My ex-husband passed away last Friday. Although he had a short-term illness, his death was sudden and unexpected. We were divorced in 1980. It was a very bitter divorce. He remarried 3 months after the divorce, but still carried a lot of hostility toward me for years. I believe he was autistic, although back then people rarely were diagnosed. Limited education, limited social skills, OCD, Tourettes. But he was a serious musical genius and professional musician. My son is very much like his father. It was within the past year that I have become to realize that my adult son is autistic as well (poor social skills, OCD, musical prodigy, etc). My son and his father are phobic of any mental health professionals and have very rigid (and often odd) beliefs. I met with a specialist about my son and she feels that he is on the autistic spectrum, as was my ex.
Regardless, my ex and I had a history, and a child. And there were times that it was not bad. And I am shocked in grief. I went to visit my son Saturday to be there for him since his dad passed away. He was off the charts with mania. Nonstop talking, over-analyzing, put downs. Miserable visit with him. Whenever I would try to make a comment (just small talk and trying to be supportive to him), he would interrupt and talk so loud and fast over me, twists my intent and puts me down. When I tried to clarify what I meant, he talked over me and told me to stop being "defensive." So I decided best not to say anything. Just let him talk and try to be supportive. But that meant having to listen to him while he told me how much I "hated" his father, and told me I was "book smart, but stupid." My son also has a very distorted memory of actual past events. Others have noticed this as well. I understand that this behavior last weekend was perhaps my son's way of grieving. It is like my son is idealizing his father, not what he's gone. I feel that he wishes it were me that died and not his dad. Since I survived cancer twice, this is painful.
His father had very limited contact with my son for many years after the divorce. There was no visitation. My son did not even know where his father lived or his phone number for years. As a teenager, if he wanted to visit his father, he had to ride his bike across town to the store where his dad worked. My son lived with me in his 20s, and I fed him, cared for him and helped pay his bills.
I need out of this crazy roller-coaster. I want a life of peace and harmony. I am none of the things that my father led the world to believe. I do no harm. I love and nurture. I am creative and giving. My daughter is in full agreement and is so supportive and loving, but she lives several states away. I fear that my son becoming unable to continue to live on his own. He does not care for himself as he needs to, and his stress is off the charts, always has been. I am unable to live with my son. I cannot put myself through that, as he is emotionally abusive like his father. I don't know what to do. Maybe moving away out of this state is the answer, and be near my daughter. Apologies for the length of this post.
My ex-husband passed away last Friday. Although he had a short-term illness, his death was sudden and unexpected. We were divorced in 1980. It was a very bitter divorce. He remarried 3 months after the divorce, but still carried a lot of hostility toward me for years. I believe he was autistic, although back then people rarely were diagnosed. Limited education, limited social skills, OCD, Tourettes. But he was a serious musical genius and professional musician. My son is very much like his father. It was within the past year that I have become to realize that my adult son is autistic as well (poor social skills, OCD, musical prodigy, etc). My son and his father are phobic of any mental health professionals and have very rigid (and often odd) beliefs. I met with a specialist about my son and she feels that he is on the autistic spectrum, as was my ex.
Regardless, my ex and I had a history, and a child. And there were times that it was not bad. And I am shocked in grief. I went to visit my son Saturday to be there for him since his dad passed away. He was off the charts with mania. Nonstop talking, over-analyzing, put downs. Miserable visit with him. Whenever I would try to make a comment (just small talk and trying to be supportive to him), he would interrupt and talk so loud and fast over me, twists my intent and puts me down. When I tried to clarify what I meant, he talked over me and told me to stop being "defensive." So I decided best not to say anything. Just let him talk and try to be supportive. But that meant having to listen to him while he told me how much I "hated" his father, and told me I was "book smart, but stupid." My son also has a very distorted memory of actual past events. Others have noticed this as well. I understand that this behavior last weekend was perhaps my son's way of grieving. It is like my son is idealizing his father, not what he's gone. I feel that he wishes it were me that died and not his dad. Since I survived cancer twice, this is painful.
His father had very limited contact with my son for many years after the divorce. There was no visitation. My son did not even know where his father lived or his phone number for years. As a teenager, if he wanted to visit his father, he had to ride his bike across town to the store where his dad worked. My son lived with me in his 20s, and I fed him, cared for him and helped pay his bills.
I need out of this crazy roller-coaster. I want a life of peace and harmony. I am none of the things that my father led the world to believe. I do no harm. I love and nurture. I am creative and giving. My daughter is in full agreement and is so supportive and loving, but she lives several states away. I fear that my son becoming unable to continue to live on his own. He does not care for himself as he needs to, and his stress is off the charts, always has been. I am unable to live with my son. I cannot put myself through that, as he is emotionally abusive like his father. I don't know what to do. Maybe moving away out of this state is the answer, and be near my daughter. Apologies for the length of this post.
Sounds like if things ever got to where your son couldn't live on his own, that he'd be better off being taken care of by the state. You'd do neither yourself, nor him a favor if you tried on your own.
If your daughter is supportive of you moving, then that is what I would do. Your best able to help your son as you can, if you're mentally and physically healthy, and that sounds like it's best accomplished by moving.
Hugs,
Patti
And I apologize for the typos in my previous post. That's what I get for trying to type this all too fast.
Wow, is sounds like you have been dealing with a lot of negativity for many years. That must be very rough.
It's unfortunate that your son is also carrying this negativity towards you.
However, self-care must be the emphasis at this time. Though your son is struggling with what you presume to be autism, he is old enough to care for himself.
It's probably time for you to distance yourself and move closer to your daughter.
You can still be a support system for your son, but if he continues to attack you with words and put-downs, then you can say no.