Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
When I was growing up and reach the age where I had a summer job I was required to contribute to the household. There was 12 kids and only eight of us worked. We were required based on how much we made to make a contribution. I don't know how much the others made but I had to give my mom $30 of the $160 I made each week. The rest was mine to do with as I pleased. I'm sure some of the others paid more because they made more. My mom didn't work while we were in school and that was great for us as kids. My dad worked two jobs and was a full time pastor who traveled 3 times a week some 60 miles one way to the church he pastored. I tell this so as to give an idea how the situation was in my day, lol.
My situation now is I have a son 21yo who lives with my wife and I. He works full time and goes to college part time. He pays his college tuitions, his cell phone bill, and purchase his own clothing. He has no financial responsibilities for the home. We pay for his car insurance and medical insurance, feed and house him. He makes roughly $1200. a month. This past year he made $24,000 with income tax return of $2000. for 2016-17.
This is my question should I require him to pay us $100 a month? It isn't a matter of my wife and I needing the money.
This is what is irritating me most, his attitude is he gets to keep all his money and not have to purchase and assist with anything around the house. The other day he called me on the phone to ask if we had potato chips at the house, I told hime no. He said he was going to stop and get some chips. I get home no chips, he didn't want to spend his money. I paid for his tire replacement, alignment, and oil change. I told him he was to pay me back instead of paying me my $275 he goes and buys a bicycle. He has taken a trip to Vegas and has just return from New York. Now he is planning a trip to Disney World/Land with his girlfriend. This doesn't begin to explain his view of responsibility. He is now talking about spending his savings. In my opinion his attitude is not in the right place so I think it is high time for him to pay the piper maybe it will correct his attitude.
So tell me what you think.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
It's your house decide what you want and tell him.
Personally...I'd start with car related expenses. And consider adding rent on in the future.
If it's his car, say something like "Starting in May, I will not be paying any of the expenses with your car. If you don't give me money for the insurance, the car won't have insurance and since you're living here, and the liability would fall on me if you're in an accident, you can't continue driving it without insurance."
If it's your car: "Starting in May, if you don't pay all of the expenses for the car including regular oil changes and maintenance, you will no longer have the privilege of driving it."
I will add two things though.
1) There's a big emotional difference from you contributing to the house when you were a child. The money was NEEDED. And in a large part because it was needed...you gained respect for yourself as a contributor.
2) Having kids is perhaps the biggest expense that there IS in life. To a certain extent, your parents got in over their heads when they became dependent on their own children to help them. That's not necessarily the best role model. I suspect that you may have swung the other way with your son, in part because you didn't want him to feel that pressure.
There's a middle ground. But the "attitude" of your son...is a product of his 21 years. That doesn't make either you or him a bad parent or kid. But it might help you understand each other better.
If you do put additional expectations on your son, I would tone DOWN the element of attitude as much as possible. Just tell him what you expect and leave the moral stuff unsaid.
Expect that he WILL be unhappy at first. (I mean...that's reasonable...yes? If you suddenly got a big pay cut at work, or had extra expenses?) Ignore his words to you. Stand strong and silent. The less said by you, the faster he'll get over it.
That's my two cents. But as I said, it's what you think that ultimately counts.
Best of luck, Patti
I don't know how many children you have
But from what I'm reading here is
You have a still pretty young son (21) who is working fulltime.... Going to college part time..... Paying his college tuition, clothing himself, paying for phone and I imagine any recreation he has
This sounds like a pretty great young man to me
Does he still make some decisions any young person might? ... Sure he does
If you want to charge him some room and board fine but I sure don't think he's an irresponsible young man from what I've read..... xo
he has a lot of good responsible traits
the challenge seems to be on you, how do you have a heart to heart or series of smaller heart to hearts in which you can open his eyes to being no longer a boy that doesn't contribute to his own tribe
i think if you can find the right way sugarcoat the pill, he'll take it, digest it and come around
I worked from the time I was 16 and able to "work" flipping burgers at Burger King, as did my sons father. It never killed us to work and go to school at the same time and we always paid our own way, never learned to expect a handout or rely on someone else to pay our bills. I damn sure was not going to send 2 young men into the world who expected less than what I did.
Its not being mean or too strict to raise your children to have rules, to be financially responsible, to learn to support themselves and be self reliable. Teaching children to be responsible, respectful and resourceful now days often seem to be old fashioned ideals that many parents don't have time for.....sadly many teens out there would be better off, if more parents made the time to actually parent their children.
Charging your son rent is not unreasonable, its not like he'll be able to live for free anywhere else and he has to learn somewhere....
Take care.
Kat