Family Issues Support Group

Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.

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/ Family Issues Support Group

Adult daughter/husband relationship

megsmom8816
megsmom8816
My daughter and my husband (her father) have always had a tense relationship that has grown worse as she has gotten older. I have always been caught in the middle. She is now 23 and has been living at home but they fight constantly. We have gone to therapy, but since my husband is perfect and without fault of course, nothing has ever helped. I am mild mannered and calm and they are control freaks and yell all the time at each other. I am at my wits end. The last fight was two weeks ago and I wasn't home to witness it but she packed up and hasn't been back and he says he no longer has a daughter and she says she won't apologize again so they are at a standstill with me in the middle. Both refuse therapy. I don't know what to do. If I try to talk to him about it he says it would be "dangerous for our relationship if I take her side" and she says "why cant you just support me". I seriously can't stand either one of them at this point. HELP! Any suggestions?
deleted_user
deleted_user
wow thats really shitty of your husband to put you in that position. you have to tell him that she is your child and you cant just side with him at the fear of loosing him bc thats total bs. you can talk to both of them without them having to talk to eachother. and maybe it will get better without her living with you guys. but you shouldnt just deny your daughter bc your husband doesnt want contact with her. thats just not right.
deleted_user
deleted_user
"dangerous for our relationship if I take her side"... what does he mean by this statement? He sounds like a real great husband and father...Under normal circumstances I do not feel parent's should take side in front of children but rather hash out such behind closed door.

Although you may have not witnessed this last event you have witnessed prior events if I'm understanding this correctly. Someone has to be in the wrong here.

DH shouldn't make threats and daughter unless she has medical issues that keeps her home bound is old enough to be living out on her own.

I say take a step back and analysis who is really the one being controlled in this situation...
megsmom8816
megsmom8816
Thanks both of you. I have paid the price of siding with her before - cold shoulder, he moves out for a few days and stays with his parents, etc. It has never been easy living with either one of them. I think the bottom line is that I am the one being controlled by both of them. A therapist once told us that I was a bunny living with two porcupines and they both shoot their quills at me.....perfect analogy. I am educated and intelligent. I teach high school. I see kids in these situations all the time, so it isn't that I am naive. It's just that I am always the peace maker in every situation I am in.
fotog
fotog
my sister and my mother get into huge fights all the time - mom is 69, sis 48, and i am 49. so... this has been going on for an awfully long time.

i've told them that they can complain to me about the other, and i'll listen, but i am not going to say anything in support of either of them, especially since they both twist what i say or misinterpret (told them that too). i also told them to stop putting me in the middle - their fights are THEIR problem, don't make it mine! and until they do something proactive about THEIR problem, like going to therapy, i have zero sympathy for either of them, because it takes two to tango.
megsmom8816
megsmom8816
That is so true. My daughter and husband have always put me in the middle. It gets old!
deleted_user
deleted_user
this reminds me like my mom says im the reason why my folks are still together im not the one reason if ur so unhappy with ur marriage then u should have left 30+ yrs ago end of story. i told my mom ur prob with dad and u are ur problems not ours nor do we care yet she blew up in my face and said why do i or we have to care about ur guys' problems? i said because we r ur children but obviously we never were only when u felt like it
deleted_user
deleted_user
Why don't ya just tell both of them u don't want to be stuck in the middle of their beef with each other and let them know u want respect from both of them an how they treat u. if they want to fight or not speak to each other fine whatever floats their boat but u don't have to get in that boat or change ur behavior around either one of them.

Don't waste time tryin go smooth things over that is up to them. It can be as simple as u want it or u can make it more complicated by letting their problems upset ya. Find what works best for u.