I'm sorry your family relations are so strained. It sounds like your son did the right thing and had an open and frank discussion with your daughter. But that wasn't enough for your daughter. I don't know how old your daughter is but she sounds immature. Actually this behavior sounds like a lot of my family members. Lots of back biting and pitting one against the other. A clearcut sign of immaturity in my family. I think you need to lay the law down with your daughter and tell her you're no longer going to get involved. If she has an issue with someone, tell her to go directly to that person. She will try to pull you in again. She will try it a lot. I guarantee it. But you need to hold your ground and help your younger daughter to do the same. It sounds like your daughter might end up alienating everyone from her. That's her choice to make. But dragging you and your other children in is unfair and not your problem.

Thank you Although I know this is what I need to do it is very hard. She is 25 and I agree immature. She is my middle child and when she was younger had a lot of issues with anxiety which meant my husband and I had to focus attention on her to deal with her illness. This seems to have set the stage going forward, she has always been resistant to any therapy and knows how to manipulate me. With her upcoming wedding I am trying to tread lightly which I know is wrong you are right my son did the rights thing and she once again won’t take accountability and just reverts to the same behaviour. I feel terrible getting into conflict with her before her wedding and makes me feel guilty, I feel responsible somehow for her anxiety although my other two children have no issues like this, I am starting to question my parenting of her maybe we didn’t do the right thing. We did seek medical help tried taking her for therapy which when she was older she just refused

What's she doing that is making your life hell?

She is constantly trying to put my husband and in the middle of her issues with her brother. Trying to pit us against him and his wife who on several occasions have stepped up as the bigger people and extended an olive branch to work together going forward and not involve us but each time she reverts to the same behaviour. She refuses to accept their decisions about their son if it doesn’t line up with her expectations which are unrealistic..

My kids are 16 and 18.

My way of dealing with similar issues:

Instead of trying to "fix" the situation, I sympathize.

Example, one kid rants and I reply "sounds frustrating".
Kid rants more, I reply "what have you tried to deal with this?"
Kid rants more, I reply "can you think of something else?"
KId rants more, I reply "would it help to take your mind off of this?"
Kid rants more, "did you try taking to them?
Kid rants more, "sounds frustrating that they don't agree with you."
Kid rants more, "my opinion really doesn't matter in all of this"
Etc, etc, etc. Basically let them talk themselves out, while letting them feel like I hear and care.


I won't own the issue. It's their frustration to deal with, and I see it as my job as their parent to be there with them as they find their own solutions.


For what it's worth, I suspect that this particular situation seems like it will work itself out. The new parents will likely get over being over-protective, and the allure of a new baby will wear off fast enough and give way to smellier diapers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeXI5t0Bbok



Personally, I handed my kid off to anyone, their kid, or their dog, who even looked like they might be willing to hold him. My ex was laid off and for the first 6 months of my son's life I was a single parent with no help. I went garage saling one time and this WONDERFUL grandmother held him for 30 minutes while I shopped, and then another 30 minutes after getting me a drink and letting me sit down with them and just relax.

Meanwhile my SIL was overprotective.

All kids grew up to be healthy, well adjusted, and just plain great kids.

Big hug for you Tooley...… I agree that family 'stuff' can be really frustrating

I agree with what Soulsearcher wrote.... These are adults and what she's doing isn't okay IMHO

I would just say that I can't solve your problems with your brother the two of you will have to work this out and stay on the same track

I'd tell her I love you both however you're adults now and you have to find a way to work out your problems....

She may get louder for a bit however I'd stay on point with this if you want it to stop.... If she see's over time that you mean what you say hopefully she'll realize she has to work this out and I think that, that's an important lesson

Another hug.....xo

Do you think that she could be 'splitting'

Relationships[edit]
Splitting creates instability in relationships because one person can be viewed as either personified virtue or personified vice at different times, depending on whether they gratify the subject's needs or frustrate them. This, along with similar oscillations in the experience and appraisal of the self, leads to chaotic and unstable relationship patterns, identity diffusion, and mood swings. The therapeutic process can be greatly impeded by these oscillations, because the therapist too can come to be seen as all good or all bad. To attempt to overcome the negative effects on treatment outcome, constant interpretations by the therapist are needed.[4]
Splitting contributes to unstable relationships and intense emotional experiences. Splitting is common during adolescence, but is regarded as transient. Splitting has been noted especially with persons diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.[5][6] Treatment strategies have been developed for individuals and groups based on dialectical behavior therapy, and for couples.[7] There are also self-help books on related topics such as mindfulness and emotional regulation that claim to be helpful for individuals who struggle with the consequences of splitting.[8]

Thanks to everyone for your responses, suggestions and support, truly appreciated,