Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I am new to this group and have a question. My grown son who is 31 years old recently got out of the Army. He asked if him and his wife, baby and dog could stay with us while they transition. My husband and I welcomed them with open arms and went out of our way to make them feel at home and not charging them rent.
My daughter-in-law is a different personality then me. She was raised in a divorced household and never really had mother who mothered. She has taken advantage of a good situation. She does little in the house to help, spends most of her day when the baby is sleeping on her iPhone and is rude to me. My son is fine. What do I do?
Maureen
My daughter-in-law is a different personality then me. She was raised in a divorced household and never really had mother who mothered. She has taken advantage of a good situation. She does little in the house to help, spends most of her day when the baby is sleeping on her iPhone and is rude to me. My son is fine. What do I do?
Maureen
What's the saying about family? Nice to see them come, even nicer to see them go?
In the meantime, enjoy your grandchild, your son, and yes, even his wife.
It's nice to want to help them, esp after your son getting out of the army.
But I think it's a mistake not to charge rent.
I'd have you and your DH sit down your DH and DIL and draft out a new lease- with rent, expectations of house duties, and most importantly- and END date.
Otherwise, you'll just be enabling them. If he's military, they should be helping your son, no???
I have friends that are in the rental business. It can easily take 6 months after that date before a sheriff will will evict someone. And that's only after taking specific step-by-step actions required by the landlord.
And that while you can write anything into a contract, that it's almost 100% enforced on the side of the person that did NOT write the contract. So you can write "will clean bathrooms" and if they pick up a tissue...then they've met their requirement? Generally "household duties" are unenforceable.
And then, the whole contract can be tossed out on it's butt because it was signed under "duress"...duress meaning after they'd already moved in and had no other place to sleep that night...
Some states, including my own, Pennsylvania, allow you to just ask someone that's staying short term to leave. And, depending on the area, get the sheriff to force them out. (But that all changes if they've signed something or helped with the mortgage payment...even without anything written, that can turn them into a tenant).
We learned this after my ex's brother in law stayed with us. My ex talked to a lawyer to find out our rights.
The least expensive and most relationship preserving thing to do...was we paid the deposit and first months rent for him someplace else, and helped him move.
A decade later he still talks about how cheap and selfish we were...
If there's no lease, then what are the options when you have someone living there and you want them to go? If they are blood, does that make a difference? If they have ONE piece of mail the got with that address, they live there... Patti, you may know more in this area, since I've not had to deal with this... I am in PA, too, BTW. : )
I guess the best thing to do it go to the courthouse and ask about tenant rights in your area.
The term is "defiant trespass." So I guess you can call the police and have them removed b/c they DIDN'T sign a lease. So I see your point about the benefit of them NOT signing a lease...
My point of the lease was to make it more like a short term agreement that expires... a projected exit date, if you will. So kind of like a lease, kind of like a contract to insure that they get out... Like saying that you want $$$ amount of money each month which will be put into an account for their security deposit once they get out. And that they must do xxxx chores or they will be asked to leave...?
Just brainstorming here...
Enforcing options has the potential to destroy family relationships. (We could have gotten Uncle Scott (Scar...from the Lion King) prosecuted under child abuse laws because he was leaving empty beer cans around (I had an infant and a two year old in the house. The two year old liked to "feed" his 3 month old sister... Meanwhile I'm worrying about if Uncle Scar relapses into heroin addiction because I don't know what the drug looks like, and I'm worrying about my son feeding it to my daughter. THEN Uncle Scar gets a water leak in his car, and to save $$$ puts straight water in (in January)...and his car predictably freezes...and my ex had to drive him to and from work (my son didn't see his dad for a month except on weekends.) Fun, fun, fun... All with my ex being laid off. We did Christmas for 4 people (I got everything at the flea market) for $150, while Scott spent hundreds on his daughter (borrowed my car to drive to Phili and returned it on empty), and more at the bar. And we spent about $1500 on him...
So yeah, I get it. (He's clean now, doesn't even drink...and I still don't miss my in-laws.)
In the short time he was here, he got really comfy. And ya know, who needs your own car if someone else will drive you to and from work, and you can borrow a car all filled up with gas...
The OP's situation is a bit different. At the end, I didn't care if I ever saw Uncle Scar again. She's going to want to have a good relationship with her daughter-in-law because she's going to want to see her grandchild.
Think of giving them a security deposit and 1st month's rent as a present to herself..."a check for happiness" is how I thought of it. Never spent better money in my life.
I'd consider posting in the codependency board to ask them about boundary issues.
I mentally "wrote a check to happiness" and remember the time because it makes good stories... Life is too short to carry resentments around.
In one sense, having him here was a mistake, but in another, mistakes are just part of life. Live, learn, and laugh about them. I regret neither helping him, nor doing what had to be done to get him out. I wish him well in life.
Trust me, been here, done this with my own son, DIL and their toddler and newborn... We let them come stay with us and it ended in disaster! My DIL was a manipulative little monster and if you don't nip it in the bud in the beginning, you will, I promise you have hard feelings by the end of their stay. I promise you that!
This doesn't have to come to a big family argument if you set boundaries in place in the beginning. I'm sure none of her actions are what you would have expected; I didn't either but WHAM! Smacked in the face with it out of nowhere. Rude behavior, insults flying in every direction. They didn't have to pay a dime for anything and they acted liked they were entitled to my home and all it's contents.