Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
This isn't about a romantic relationship, but I am at the end of my rope. I desperately need help but I am petrified because it seems hopeless.
Let me preface this by saying that I had an emergency surgery a few days ago... I am heavily medicated with prescription narcotics for the pain and getting my thoughts together is overwhelming but I will try my best to write my question so that it makes sense. I feel so overwhelmed and I don't know where to start.
I have a family member who is sucking the life force out of me and ruins my life. My actual relationship is complicated. He's not from another marriage, he's my mom's other kid but I don't accept him as my brother. I just call him my stepbrother.
I'm four years older, and my parents divorced when I was a kid. My father eventually remarried and I don't see him often. I live with my mother and with "Tyler." I lived on my own for several years, but ever since I've come home, Tyler has made my life into a nightmare. I don't know what his problem is, but he has bullied me and ruined my life in so many ways and has stressed my mom out, and I fear for her health and mine. He has a way of manipulating everyone so that he looks like a poor innocent victim and I look like a monster, but it's obvious that he is hostile and has an agenda to harm me. We live under his reign of terror. He's bullied us all in various ways, but typically what he does is to find something I did to piss him off, real or imaginary and go to my mom and start screaming at her about how my behavior is "criminal" and she is "enabling" me. It's always something minor or something I'm unaware is a problem, and he has a way of screwing with everyone's head and making me feel like a criminal. For example, if I go to the toilet, he gets mad because it makes a noise. Then he'll go up to my mom's room, and start screaming obscenities about how she "enables" my "criminal" behavior, and how I've "treate her like sh*t for 34 years." I have panic and anxiety disorders and these episodes send me into a tailspin. All this stuff I do that supposedly pisses him off... he can't just go to me and say "please don't do that" like a civilized person. he goes and bullies my mom about it and freaks us all out.
He barges into my personal space and refuses to go away whenever I need to talk to my mom alone. He just barges in with his stinky feet and starts roaring at me. Sometimes he threatens to call the police on me and have me charged with domestic violence. My crime? When I have panic attacks, I go to my mom to have her comfort me. He pulls this "good son protecting his mother" act when in reality he is killing her with his drama, is unbelievably rude and inconsiderate but has freaked everyone out and manipulated everyone with his head games.
He invites himself into my bedroom, and is entitled to do so because I'm an adult living in my mother's house. He is well over 18 himself, and lives here for free. I work full time, and I do chores for my mom and give her money. He loafs and makes dirty messes for me to clean. He comes into my room and calls me fat, ugly, a porker and a bitch. This upsets me profoundly, but when I complain, my mom calls me childish.
My mom can't control him and I feel like I can't stand up for myself because it will result in a fight and I worry it will affect her health in a negative way.
Here is the catalyst that pushed everything past breaking point street. As I write this, I am very sick and struggling to heal from surgery. Last week, my appendix ruptured and I was rushed to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. As I write this, my abdomen is sliced open and held together with surgical glue and I am so heavily medicated with narcotics to control my excruciating pain that I can barely type. Tyler started the minute I came home from the hospital. He freaked out and screamed at my mom to kick me out because I went to the toilet. He took it out of context and said that I was banging the toilet seat every 30 minutes.
Tonight a couple of very wonderful friends came over to visit me, and I had really been looking forward to it. I told my mom they were coming and they seemed cool with it. Tyler's reaction was unbelievably spiteful. He went up to my mom and threw a fit about how **I** was being inconsiderate (I asked her, not him) and then threatened to spend the night in a hotel (she gets upset whenever he's not at home late at night) and he acted really hurt... "I'm going to a hotel." I started having an anxiety attack and called my mom, and he barged into the room when we were talking and started roaring and threatening. I told him to get lost, and he refused to leave and started screaming and saying lies about me. I'm in bed, stomach sliced open, in pain, just had surgery and I'm having a panic attack and he threatened to call the police and have me arrested for "domestic violence." He said that "all I want is for you to have a little courtesy to ask before you have guests over and quit treating your mother like sh*t!"
Ever since I returned home from my surgery he has become more and more hostile to me. I am having panic attacks and nightmares every night.
Here's the caveat. I know what you're thinking, but moving out of the house is not an option for me. I lived on my own for several years, but I went through some traumas during that time and I have panic and anxiety disorders and I CANNOT live on my own. We live in a state that isn't my home state, and I am profoundly unhappy living here. Furthermore, I feel like I shouldn't be cheated out of my home. I live in the USA and our healthcare system sucks... we don't have the same access to health care that people in other countries get, and getting affordable care is really hard and I am also facing crushing medical debt on top of everything else.
I feel like I do a lousy job sticking up for myself. Whenever this drama occurs, I get so freaked out that I can't think of anything to say in response, but later I think of a million things I could have said. Tonight with my friends' visit. He said that it's my mom's house, not mine. I should have said that it's not his house and I didn't need his permission to have friends visit. (Why does it upset him that I have friends over?) He always has an excuse for bullying me, and falsely accuses me of behavior that merits punishment, but what motivates him is hostility.
He's unbelievably rude and inconsiderate to my mom and I'm scared it will damage her health. Tyler doesn't care. For example, my mom is a chronic worrier and she freaks out whenever Tyler doesn't let her know if he'll be home late. All she asks is that he leave a note or call, but he refuses to do that. He either ignores her calls or cusses her out for calling his cell, and she has repeatedly had breakdowns because she didn't know where he was. He does stuff to deliberately upset me and then attacks me verbally for becoming upset.
The surgeon that took my appendix out told me that my infection was so severe that I would die if I didn't have it out right away. Before I went into surgery, I was more stressed out about coming home than I was about being operated on. I literally wish I had just died on the operating table because my life at home is a nightmare and I can't take it anymore. I am beginning to believe that my body because seriously ill because my spirit needed to heal from all the brokenness I'm dealing with in my life. I'm terrified, thinking what next? My heart? Cancer? Some incurable autoimmune disease?
He always finds a way to justify the bullying and make me look like I'm at fault. Once he smashed my fingers on my left hand (I'm left handed) in the door and I am terrified that one day they will have to be amputated, and my life will be ruined because I'm an artist and musician and need my hands. I got blamed for that attack because I said something that pissed him off. I don't think he's human, I think he's the cruelest demon that ever crawled out of the pits of hell and I wish with my whole heart that he was a bad dream. He has shattered a lifetime of dreams and my life is such a mess that I feel hopeless.
I am beyond the age of meeting someone and settling down, and I missed my chance at marriage and a family of my own, so if I were to move out on my own, it would mean being on my own forever... and I have no immediate family. I don't belong anywhere or feel like I have a future, just a life of loneliness and pain ahead of me. I am terrified that he is going to kill or cripple one of us, I can't leave, I can't stay and my mother can't/won't control him. I can't even heal physically with all this on me. I would like to just go back to the hospital forever but realistically I have nowhere to go at all. Please help me because I have reached the end of my rope. I can't leave home now and I can't take this anymore. I'm afraid he is going to kill my mother or cause me to become incurably ill. He has actually admitted that he wants me to commit suicide. He is evil, I actually think he is a demon and I wish he didn't exist. Please, please help me.
Let me preface this by saying that I had an emergency surgery a few days ago... I am heavily medicated with prescription narcotics for the pain and getting my thoughts together is overwhelming but I will try my best to write my question so that it makes sense. I feel so overwhelmed and I don't know where to start.
I have a family member who is sucking the life force out of me and ruins my life. My actual relationship is complicated. He's not from another marriage, he's my mom's other kid but I don't accept him as my brother. I just call him my stepbrother.
I'm four years older, and my parents divorced when I was a kid. My father eventually remarried and I don't see him often. I live with my mother and with "Tyler." I lived on my own for several years, but ever since I've come home, Tyler has made my life into a nightmare. I don't know what his problem is, but he has bullied me and ruined my life in so many ways and has stressed my mom out, and I fear for her health and mine. He has a way of manipulating everyone so that he looks like a poor innocent victim and I look like a monster, but it's obvious that he is hostile and has an agenda to harm me. We live under his reign of terror. He's bullied us all in various ways, but typically what he does is to find something I did to piss him off, real or imaginary and go to my mom and start screaming at her about how my behavior is "criminal" and she is "enabling" me. It's always something minor or something I'm unaware is a problem, and he has a way of screwing with everyone's head and making me feel like a criminal. For example, if I go to the toilet, he gets mad because it makes a noise. Then he'll go up to my mom's room, and start screaming obscenities about how she "enables" my "criminal" behavior, and how I've "treate her like sh*t for 34 years." I have panic and anxiety disorders and these episodes send me into a tailspin. All this stuff I do that supposedly pisses him off... he can't just go to me and say "please don't do that" like a civilized person. he goes and bullies my mom about it and freaks us all out.
He barges into my personal space and refuses to go away whenever I need to talk to my mom alone. He just barges in with his stinky feet and starts roaring at me. Sometimes he threatens to call the police on me and have me charged with domestic violence. My crime? When I have panic attacks, I go to my mom to have her comfort me. He pulls this "good son protecting his mother" act when in reality he is killing her with his drama, is unbelievably rude and inconsiderate but has freaked everyone out and manipulated everyone with his head games.
He invites himself into my bedroom, and is entitled to do so because I'm an adult living in my mother's house. He is well over 18 himself, and lives here for free. I work full time, and I do chores for my mom and give her money. He loafs and makes dirty messes for me to clean. He comes into my room and calls me fat, ugly, a porker and a bitch. This upsets me profoundly, but when I complain, my mom calls me childish.
My mom can't control him and I feel like I can't stand up for myself because it will result in a fight and I worry it will affect her health in a negative way.
Here is the catalyst that pushed everything past breaking point street. As I write this, I am very sick and struggling to heal from surgery. Last week, my appendix ruptured and I was rushed to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. As I write this, my abdomen is sliced open and held together with surgical glue and I am so heavily medicated with narcotics to control my excruciating pain that I can barely type. Tyler started the minute I came home from the hospital. He freaked out and screamed at my mom to kick me out because I went to the toilet. He took it out of context and said that I was banging the toilet seat every 30 minutes.
Tonight a couple of very wonderful friends came over to visit me, and I had really been looking forward to it. I told my mom they were coming and they seemed cool with it. Tyler's reaction was unbelievably spiteful. He went up to my mom and threw a fit about how **I** was being inconsiderate (I asked her, not him) and then threatened to spend the night in a hotel (she gets upset whenever he's not at home late at night) and he acted really hurt... "I'm going to a hotel." I started having an anxiety attack and called my mom, and he barged into the room when we were talking and started roaring and threatening. I told him to get lost, and he refused to leave and started screaming and saying lies about me. I'm in bed, stomach sliced open, in pain, just had surgery and I'm having a panic attack and he threatened to call the police and have me arrested for "domestic violence." He said that "all I want is for you to have a little courtesy to ask before you have guests over and quit treating your mother like sh*t!"
Ever since I returned home from my surgery he has become more and more hostile to me. I am having panic attacks and nightmares every night.
Here's the caveat. I know what you're thinking, but moving out of the house is not an option for me. I lived on my own for several years, but I went through some traumas during that time and I have panic and anxiety disorders and I CANNOT live on my own. We live in a state that isn't my home state, and I am profoundly unhappy living here. Furthermore, I feel like I shouldn't be cheated out of my home. I live in the USA and our healthcare system sucks... we don't have the same access to health care that people in other countries get, and getting affordable care is really hard and I am also facing crushing medical debt on top of everything else.
I feel like I do a lousy job sticking up for myself. Whenever this drama occurs, I get so freaked out that I can't think of anything to say in response, but later I think of a million things I could have said. Tonight with my friends' visit. He said that it's my mom's house, not mine. I should have said that it's not his house and I didn't need his permission to have friends visit. (Why does it upset him that I have friends over?) He always has an excuse for bullying me, and falsely accuses me of behavior that merits punishment, but what motivates him is hostility.
He's unbelievably rude and inconsiderate to my mom and I'm scared it will damage her health. Tyler doesn't care. For example, my mom is a chronic worrier and she freaks out whenever Tyler doesn't let her know if he'll be home late. All she asks is that he leave a note or call, but he refuses to do that. He either ignores her calls or cusses her out for calling his cell, and she has repeatedly had breakdowns because she didn't know where he was. He does stuff to deliberately upset me and then attacks me verbally for becoming upset.
The surgeon that took my appendix out told me that my infection was so severe that I would die if I didn't have it out right away. Before I went into surgery, I was more stressed out about coming home than I was about being operated on. I literally wish I had just died on the operating table because my life at home is a nightmare and I can't take it anymore. I am beginning to believe that my body because seriously ill because my spirit needed to heal from all the brokenness I'm dealing with in my life. I'm terrified, thinking what next? My heart? Cancer? Some incurable autoimmune disease?
He always finds a way to justify the bullying and make me look like I'm at fault. Once he smashed my fingers on my left hand (I'm left handed) in the door and I am terrified that one day they will have to be amputated, and my life will be ruined because I'm an artist and musician and need my hands. I got blamed for that attack because I said something that pissed him off. I don't think he's human, I think he's the cruelest demon that ever crawled out of the pits of hell and I wish with my whole heart that he was a bad dream. He has shattered a lifetime of dreams and my life is such a mess that I feel hopeless.
I am beyond the age of meeting someone and settling down, and I missed my chance at marriage and a family of my own, so if I were to move out on my own, it would mean being on my own forever... and I have no immediate family. I don't belong anywhere or feel like I have a future, just a life of loneliness and pain ahead of me. I am terrified that he is going to kill or cripple one of us, I can't leave, I can't stay and my mother can't/won't control him. I can't even heal physically with all this on me. I would like to just go back to the hospital forever but realistically I have nowhere to go at all. Please help me because I have reached the end of my rope. I can't leave home now and I can't take this anymore. I'm afraid he is going to kill my mother or cause me to become incurably ill. He has actually admitted that he wants me to commit suicide. He is evil, I actually think he is a demon and I wish he didn't exist. Please, please help me.
You wrote very well... even for someone NOT being on pain meds. So you are very intelligent.
First off, I'd change your thinking. You CAN live on your own... if you want to. You CAN take steps to getting out on your own. I used to have panic attacks, too. You CAN begin to retrain your brain to calm itself down. You can get books on the topic, read online... There IS hope. I can see why you are home now due to your surgery. But there's a reason you didn't die from the infection! I'd use this time at home to recoup, both physically, mentally, and spiritually. It may be very difficult for now, but I'd set the goal of moving out. As for health care, I'd find a job that offers good benefits so you can get into therapy. Do whatever you can. You say artist, but I don't know your training. Starbucks and Trader Joe's are great companies to get in on the bottom level and work your way up and they take great care of their employees.
Next, stop the negative talk. I DO believe that you did get sick from the stress. I also thought like you- what's next... when will I really succumb to the horribleness of it all... But I had to stop that. You don't want to get some other disease just because you convince yourself it's going to happen.
Convince yourself instead that you CAN have and DO deserve a better life.
Your brother sounds like a 12 year old brat in a 30 year old body. And he sounds like he's got some personality disorder. But he's right about one thing- your mother is an enabler... with HIM!!! Any other person would have kicked his @$$ out a long time ago.
You mentioned that your father left and remarried and you don't see him much... why is that? Do you think there's a window open to maybe try to get some emotional support from him? You obviously don't get it with your mother since she allows your brother (he is your brother, like it or not) to abuse you. This IS abuse... What about Tyler's dad??? Did he learn this from him?
Please forgive me for digging around, but... you have some mental health issues, your brother clearly does... and your mother seems to as well, since she can't handle this situation... do you think that's why your father left??? Because his wife and marriage was not functional??? Maybe he's your best chance to get out???
I wish I could help you more, but this is only a online forum... What I suggest is to start making a game plan to get out of this Hell hole and become self sufficient. As for finding someone, first work on yourself. Otherwise, you'll only attract a broken person, anyway. Don't worry about your age... I was 35 when I finally started to get a clue about my own life. It's 7 years later, and I'm finally happy! Better late than never, I say!
I too dealt with many of the same names and comments as you're dealing with now. And while I didn't have panic attacks, I have felt hopeless and trapped; so I know how difficult it is.
Like DeliAnne, I also didn't start pulling my life together until I was in my 30's.
Can you tell me more about what it was like when you were living out of the house? Were you ever living alone?
I just wanted you to know that I appreciate the words of encouragement, and the fact that you listened to me above all. It's a really difficult situation... I'm glad that I'm making sense because I'm more disoriented than usual because of my meds.
I've lived on my own before... a few years ago, I taught English in Spain. I went to college over there too. I really loved Spain, and still do, but at one point I was dealing with some life situations that broke me and I felt I needed my mom. I have lived in North Carolina most of my life but I've never felt at home there, and I didn't miss it when I was in Spain... I love Spain more. But, I felt alone in the world without my mom. Now when you're far from home you tend to romanticize things, and while I never missed NC (I was never happy in NC... no offense to anyone from there!) all the negatives of my toxic family situation were faded and I was deluded about what things would be like if I came home. Thing are really different here than the way I imagined them. Now I have a few pets, I have a few friends, and I have my mom in the USA, all of whom I love so much. It's just my family situation is toxic.
I would like to leave, I don't know about forever, because I feel I need a home base but I would like some time away from them. It would be great if Tyler just left.
I like the idea of seeing a therapist. There aren't really any good ones in my area. Now when I was a teenager I suffered from depression, and I had panic, anxiety and body dysmorphic disorder and I had to go to a therapist... he was amazing, but this was in my hometown (I'm originally from Texas).
I also suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. In North Carolina we tend to get harsh winters and they affect my mood in a negative way.
I wish I could go to another state or another country. Or just teach English abroad again. I guess no one has one hundred percent of the answers.
Right now I actually have a job, as a highschool teacher. I have not been at work recently because I have not been well. I wouldn't say that I hate my job but it's not really my calling. I would like to go back to school for something but I get so scared thinking maybe I'm too old and it's ridiculous. I would like to have been a veterinarian or a commercial artist. Or just teach English in another country. I have been to Mexico and have tons of friends there... they say it's dangerous but it's really pretty and there are friendly people and it can be beautiful.
I'm sorry this is so verbose but I can't write concisely at the best of times and these pain meds are frying my brain.
Thanks for saying I am intelligent, and that I can change things and for the hugs. :-)
I really miss my father... a lot. I'm not sure if he remarried, but I have a feeling he did. I wish and wish that it could just be me, my mom my dad and my pets but the damage is done. :-(
Tyler is a toxic family member and I wish he'd move out. :-(
I appreciate your help and your support VERY much! I really do, and you guys really have helped.
The only problem with moving out is that I get lonely. I also don't like the area where I live. Now I'm not putting all of the people down... a lot of people come to North Carolina and thrive here, but I've been a mess since we moved here. My mom and my pets (cats and dogs) and my friends... I love them so much. When I went to Spain to teach English (getting off on a tangent, it's so hard for US citizens to get visas to do it so I was tickled silly that I found a way) I was thrilled to be away from Tyler and away from NC. I lived with a host family for awhile (my boss actually! It wasn't anything sexual, I just lived with him platonically) but it got uncomfortable and I needed my space. I got my own apartment but living alone eventually got to me. I felt isolated and ostracized. I had a circle of friends but coming home to an empty place eventually depressed me.
My dad is back home in Texas... he breaks horses (tames them so they can be saddled and ridden) for a living, and he reinforces the stereotypes about Texans. Other than that I don't know what he's up to. I love my parents but when they were married there was a lot of dysfunction. I just wish they had never had Tyler! It's like a bad dream and I have never forgiven them for it. We would all have been a million times better off if he'd never been born. I know that you guys can't fix that, but just listening helps. I guess that just had to come out.
I would like very much to go to a therapist. Hypothetically speaking if I could I would do anything to go back to my old therapist. It sounds absurd to move just to see a counselor but I don't form rapport easily with therapists and I have been to a series of therapists that just f*cked me up even more. Talking to the right person would help.
I don't know if Tyler will ever move out. I know that no one can really help with this but I just wish I'd been an only kid. However I do have a few amazing best friends, and hypothetically speaking, if one of them had been my sister or brother, I would be tickled retarded. Ditto for a couple of my cousins. What it all comes down to is that Tyler is a $h!t stirrer. I will never accept him as my brother and I don't want anything to do with him.
I'm sorry if I got on all these tangents and wrote a really wordy response but I hope you will forgive me! I am usually a lot more coherent. What I really meant was thank you for listening to me and offering advice. This situation is really difficult and no one really has the answers.
As for moving out, I really want very badly to be away from Tyler. It's just that I live in North Carolina now and I hate the idea of paying to live here. I do give my mom money, though, but it's more to help her than to pay for my room and board (she has money problems). I feel like I need a home base because it's so hard not to have a stable foundation. It terrifies me to accept that my mom won't be around forever but I want to make the most of it while she is. I know that you are really trying to help me and you do help but I'm just so scared of being alone in the world.
When I was living away from home I went through some things that caused me to break down. I used to be a really strong person but they just broke me.
How do you handle being lonely? Right now, I want to leave and be free of Tyler, and also of the town I live in (it is quite toxic to me as well). But, I remember that apartment... coming home to the emptiness and the loneliness. Coming home to a world of isolation. I eventually got to the point where I hate the sight of it. I went out with friends and went on trips with people but that empty apartment was always there. The hospital seems like a depressing place to be but there was always light, always a bustle of activity, and nice nurses and doctors came in and out all the time. I never felt detached or invisible. When I came home from the hospital, I cried all night and I'm not sure why (the surgeon blames my anesthesia) but I think it's because I felt all alone. I am scared to be alone because my fears start attacking me.
I really wish I had gotten married and had a kid (I am not sure but I can see advantages to having just one) and what terrifies me is that once mom is gone, I will be alone in the world. My dad will probably still be alive, he loves me in his way, but once he's gone I will literally have no one to love me. I know that my pets love me, but they don't live as long as we do. I am terrified to be alone in the world because I'm accepting that my immediate family is the only family I will ever have.
My mom has also told me that if I were to move out that I am not allowed to take my cat because the cat belongs here. Now caring and providing for the cat is my responsibility and I'm afraid to leave her. The cat is the only member of this household that doesn't drive me crazy.
I'm so scared. I just want a future and something to give my life meaning. I've had jobs but I would like to have a career. I liked my job teaching English abroad and I liked being in the band but I've never liked any of the other jobs I had. I've thought of going to school for medical interpreter (bc I speak Spanish) which would be incredibly meaningful but I would like to have a calling or something. It would have been ideal if there were NO Tyler in the picture and if he'd never been born but the damage is done. I would settle for having a future but I'm so scared that it's out of reach.
Anyway I have digressed a lot and this all sounds negative but that's just me getting off on a tangent... I am very happy that you guys wrote me with thoughtful answers. No one really has the perfect solution but you have done a LOT for me just by listening. I don't know how to explain it but it made me feel a million times better just to know I'm not alone, because things are a million times harder to deal with alone. Sometimes I need my space and solitude but there are things that no one can really face by themselves.
I wish I could leave the area where I live now. Yesterday I had one of my breakdowns and when my mom found out she said that she thinks part of the problem is these NC winters. When I was overseas in Spain I was happy with the culture and loved it but they also had winter and I remember I had a hard time coping. My Dad says that Mexico is too dangerous and that I shouldn't go back but my Mom has told me that she would be cool with it if I could get a job teaching at a decent place there (like the ITESM or something). I have been down there in the "winter" and didn't experience SAD flare ups because where I was, it was like Spring all year. I would like to, but then my dad would freak out and I feel guilty stressing him out. He says that it would stress my mom out for me to go down there but my mom has actually told me she is okay with it if I do! I would like to go back to Texas or back to Florida, too. I never adjusted to North Carolina... we came here when I was a teenager and it was very hard on me. Now I have all these horrible memories here and I can't be happy or functional. I only came back home bc my mom and pets were here but that is all NC has to offer me. Tyler is my number one problem and my town where I live now is my number two problem.
Do you think I should move away for good? Or just get some time away from them and a break from North Carolina?
I've written a book so if you have made it through this book I dedicate it to you. I just want to close by saying I'm sorry I am so wordy but I really appreciate your kind words. I still feel overwhelmed but you helped a lot just by listening to me! :-)
What you have written breaks my heart.
As a Mother, I want my two children to love each other even more than they love me.
I want them to roll their eyes at each other when I speak, I want them to band together, be there for each other, have a close relationship.
One day when my son was 3, he fell in the park and broke his arm. we were in the emergency room waiting forever for him to be treated.. He started crying and saying... " I want "insert sister's name here" ... Needless to say I was having a rotten day, but when I heard him cry for his sister I realized what a sense of comfort he got from having her in his life. she was 7 and he was 3! I found it very comforting.
Of course they fight at times... sometimes they say very rude things to each other. In your life, underneath it all, isn't there just a tiny bit of love for your brother?
I am sending thoughts and prayers your way that you will find a way to connect with your brother.
Just a Mom's perspective, Peace to you!
Forgive me for asking, and you don't have to answer, but were you ever abused? Left alone? What was it like with Tyler's father? Was he kind to you?
I'm trying to understand more about the panic disorder and what's brought that on.
First off, I'm glad you don't have a child! Please don't think I am being nasty by saying that... but they are a handful and you shouldn't have to deal with taking care of another person until you can take care of yourself.
I've been a middle and high school English teacher for 16 years... I have to say, it is STREESFUL!!! So how is it you can handle that, but not living alone? Just curious...
Also, as a teacher, one benefit (since it sure isn't salary!) is that we get good health care and other resources. Can you go to HR or guidance and ask for a referral to a good mental health professional? I'm sorry, but I just don't buy the response that there aren't any good therapists in your town... I'd travel an HOUR if I had to if it meant that I had a shot at getting better and having a quality life...
Hugs.
Ahh Deli, what I meant to say about therapy is that what I said probably came out wrong. What I mean is that I would like a therapist but I just had a connection to my old one that I can't get with anyone else.
It's a long story but I just don't accept him as my brother and never will. I'm sorry that this sounds so heartbreaking. My parents weren't abusive and I had some nice things but Tyler ruins my life and I wish he had never come into the picture.
I have a few best friends who are worth more to me than diamonds. Sometimes I just long to be an only kid, but on the other hand, I imagine what it would be like if, hypothetically speaking, my best friend was my brother or sister... I'd just be tickled retarded. I remember LONGING to be an only child... just me, mom, and dad and my pets. I love animals and I wanted a dog so bad before Tyler was born. A dog or a cat. I do have a lot of love, though, I just long to have someone to give it to. We have cats and dogs and they are my absolute world, I would give my life for them. I feel that way about my closest friends. They are like my left arm to me and I would die for them. Hypothetically speaking, if I had one of my close friends as my brother or sister I would love them with my whole heart.
Sometimes I wonder what I did to get born into such a dysfunctional family. My parents had an extremely dysfunctional marriage... there was no violence, but there was no love either.
I am not ready for a child but I long to have a family of my own before it's too late and I get so scared that it will never happen. I mentioned that I used to teach English abroad. It's hard to believe that I used to be a strong person with an amazing life but I used to be until a series of experiences broke me. Well, what happened is that I had a series of VERY bad relationships that ended very badly and I was completely broken.
I get so scared because I feel that I'm past the age where anyone would ever want to marry me. What Deli says is true, and it shed some light on my past relationships. One of my ex boyfriends was a sadistic liar, the next boyfriend pulled his "I'm this poor guy who is screwed up and confused by his traumas" act but he just manipulated me and used me with the most disgusting tactics and broke my dreams in the cruelest way. Also, one of my ex boyfriends was divorced (he was divorced before I ever met him) with a crazy ex wife who assaulted me, and afterwards he dumped me in the cruelest way. It broke my heart and broke me. I am really not proud of what I did and I'll never do it again, but I went totally crackers after this and I attempted suicide. It (obviously) didn't succeed, and I regret it so much, but I wasn't myself then.
I'm freaking out because I'm running out of time to have a kid and I feel like it's already too late to get married, but I don't want to bring a kid into the world unless I can give it everything, and I'm not even a whole person. My heart is breaking for all my dreams that are probably dying.
Shasta, I know it's heartbreaking but it's not just about siblings and fights. I do have a lot of love, and the saddest thing is I can't fully give it to anyone. I have close friends, and the love that your kids have for each other (and the fights and rude comments), I feel for my friends. We fight and are rude to each other but there's mutual love underneath it all. It's just that they're not my flesh and blood. I wish I could have a similar relationship with a relative.
I have a few cousins that are okay. I was particularly close to one of my cousins but he's dead now and I'm wondering if he was ever a good guy, and I feel betrayed by him because of the circumstances of his death. I was really close to him and I thought he cared about me... sadly, he was involved with illegal drugs (really dangerous drugs... I *heard* that cocaine was one of them) and he was killed by another drug dealer several years ago. I don't know if I loved him or if I loved this romanticized delusion of him that I had in my mind.
Yeah teaching is stressful... I wouldn't say I *hate* my job. It's just that I feel like I defaulted into it. I just long to have dreams and to have a future. I wish wish wish I could go back to school and do something my heart's really in. Teaching English abroad is awesome but in a regular public school and having an ordinary life, it's a shock. I wish I could just go to another country to teach or just go to school for something I would really love.
I have so much love, and I just long to give it so someone/something. I know I complain a lot, and I really appreciate that you guys just listened to me. It means a lot, it really does. All this stuff I write probably sounds really self centered but I can't help how I feel. Underneath it all, I have the potential to be very loving. All I want is mutual love, someone to give all the love I feel to. Tyler is a despicable human being. I know that various philosophies, and religions (Christianity and Buddhism are examples) teach that love is something everyone should get, without conditions, and they are all about compassions. I have tried to change but I hate Tyler for ruining my life... if you had to live with him you would want to kill him.
I definitely want counseling. Going to see my old therapist (who would certainly take me back) is one of a variety of reasons I would like to move. I just wish I could have a change, do you ever feel that way? Mom had said that this is my home and always will be but we have talked about it and she has encouraged me to get away from North Carolina for a while. My other relatives said I need to accept that North Carolina is my home here but it's tainted with all these bad memories. I hated it when we moved here, and now all these fights with Tyler, my parents' divorce, several deaths of loved ones (a friend, one of my dogs, a cousin), a series of terrible job experiences, terrible school experiences. It's just toxic to me.
Deli I'm glad you can relate to the stress of being a teacher! The pay is terrible and then you have to sacrifice having a life outside of work. May I ask what state you taught in? North Carolina is the WORST state in the entire country for teachers in terms of working conditions and salaries and the schools are rough here. Do you still teach?
Thanks again for listening to me. I'm doing me best to write coherently (still on my meds). I hope you'll keep in touch?
For example, Moving to North Carolina from Texas... they thought they were doing the "right" thing but it was really traumatic. I cried a lot and went into culture shock and I had a lot of trouble adjusting. I'll never accept NC as my home and would like to move... another state or even another country. My extended relatives tell me that I need to accept that North Carolina is where I'm going to live, but I think, "oh man, I don't wanna be miserable."
The relationship with Tyler is complicated and I'm not sure what else to call him. I don't accept him as a brother and I wish there were a way to formally disown him. I know it's sad, and even heartbreaking, but if I could formally sever ties,like disowning him for example, it wouldn't be a loss. It would be about getting freed and unchained from something that was harmful to me. Just like the loss of my appendix... I feel sad thinking that I lost a part of my body... but it was something that was harming to me. Tyler is a toxic family member.
I love my parents and feel grateful for the nice things they did get me but Tyler has ruined my life. I feel like I wasn't meant to belong to the same family. My mom thinks I'm selfish and mean but what it is is that Tyler is despicable. I'm afraid he's going to harm her just by stressing her out and making drama.
Now when I studied abroad, I lived with a couple families (I had to change because I studied in two different cities, once in Barcelona and once in Madrid). The first one was a couple (two guys) and I loved it, the second one was a host family with two younger sons... but they were nice and sweet! I wasn't unhappy or anything. The youngest one (he didn't speak any English but that was a GOOD thing bc I wanted to use my Spanish) used to tell me how much he loved me and the oldest one invited me to hang out and stuff.
Does anyone else feel out of place in their family/state/country?
I'm showing my students "If You Build It." It's a documentary about kids in Studio H in NC. Do you know it?