Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I don't think my husband loves me anymore. (Maybe he hasn't for a while). I have wondered about this before, but what happened last week really makes me wonder!!!! I mean, to me it's unthinkable ....although I know that men generally don't do as much for birthdays as women do. There are few things my husband dislikes more than shopping for gifts, which he considers a chore, and an imposition.
Last Wed. was my 50th birthday ...and yes, he did get me a gift I had wanted and picked up a small cake at the grocery store ...but nothing else... Nothing special, like flowers or a balloon ....I mean, come on ....it was my FIFTIETH!!!!! I got really angry that day, and I let him know it. He didn't apologize. He acted (and STILL acts) like I'm the one with the problem!!! He did the same thing when I was 40. Then he had the nerve to say "what's the significance of 40?!!" I have let him know time and time again how much it would mean to me to get flowers, and as silly as it might sound, balloons. I think he just does this to be cruel. I will never have another 50th birthday. Part of the problem here is that I have no friends. If I did, one of them might have done something for me. We have some family acquaintances (all of the people I am thinking of now are women). One of them celebrated their 50th not long ago. She knows I was about to turn 50 also. The other acquaintances who know her and me (at least I might have liked to know them) threw a 50th birthday party for her. I was invited, but couldn't go. "They would never do that for me" I thought. I go into stores and see all these things that say 50, and they are sold because people buy them for other people ...but not for me. I am not one of those special people. My husband knows I don't have any friends. He could have gotten me one of these things.... But no. Some of you are probably thinking "he got you a gift, WHAT is your problem????". Well, he only did it out of duty. It seems that the bigger the milestone, the less he does.
I am tired of being treated like this, and am ready to get a divorce. We have a severely Autistic child. I worry about what would happen to her, and my son (who is normal). They are actually both teenagers. I don't have a job because I spend so much time taking my daughter to therapy, and dealing with her problem. I don't know what the outcome would be if I got divorced. Maybe I (we?) Would end up living in a room.
Sometimes I wonder how much (if anything) my husband's parents did for him growing up when he had a birthday. I could go on and on about his " Mom". She never, ever ever calls here, and I know its because he is married to me. He tries to say nothing is wrong with that, but obviously there is!!!!! I keep telling him that anyone and everyone would agree with this. Even if my husband's parents didn't treat him right growing up, he could rise above this.
I'd appreciate any thoughts or advice anyone has. Please don't think I'm crazy.
-
Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
-
Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
It seems to me though that there must be going a lot more going on then not getting a special birthday gift??
You've written that you don't believe your husband loves you??... Have you discussed this with him?.... Would you consider some marriage counselling?....
You've written that you have no friends?.... what about getting out to make some friends?..... maybe joining a MeetUp or some type of group or volunteer work that you could interact with others?
I think to make a friend you have to be a friend.... You might get a lot out of having others in your life as well as your family
For example, lots of young married couples get in fights about what kind house to buy, which is better leather or fabric upholstery for furniture and who's going to do what household chores. Only the deeper issue is power and control in the relationship. The husband is worried about if he's being manly enough and leading in the relationship. The woman is worried that he's thinking this is going to be some traditional marriage where she cooks and he takes care of the yard. They working that shit out by arguing about thousand other things and they don't even know it.
Your strong emotional reaction to your situation is probably honestly warranted. I think the issue your struggling with is feeling marginalized, unappreciated and maybe even truly unloved. He's the breadwinner. You take care of home, hearth and a disabled child, in addition to you non-disabled child. I'm guessing you shop, cook, clean, carpool, worry about treatment plans for you daughter and if she making incremental progress each month. You also have to worry about your son and if he's doing well in school and if he happy and well adjusted. That is a tremendous strain on a person and a relationship.
The problem is, you husband under a lot of strain as well. From your prospective, he has it easy. He just has to go to work and you pretty much do everything else. It must seem lopsided sometimes. Being the financial provider carries its own subset of stress and worry. You and your husband is older as well. He's probably struggling with in an ever changing workplace, where people his age might be being replaced all the time. He could be stressed, knows full well you are stressed and doesn't feel comfortable sharing with you, for fear that you will lose what little peace of mind you have that at least the bills are covered.
I honestly think you might need more respite than you have been getting and you and your hubbie need to take some away together to reconnect. I know that might seem like a wild fantasy and my whole post may seem like something from the twilight zone, but this is the best I've got for you today.
Second,have you ever thought that maybe he was NEVER taught how to do birthdays? One of the ways kids learn is by observing their parents. Maybe his parents didn't celebrate birthdays the way yours did.
For him getting what he gets you is him trying. He's trying to be the husband you desrve,need,and want him to be BUT,unless you show,teach,and have patience with him, he'll NEVER get it! Because as hard as he tries he has NO comprehension(and understanding) of what you want from him! It's like your speaking Greek while he's speaking(and ONLY comprehending) Spanish!
Third,you have to make peace with the fact that 1) he might NEVER fully "get it" and 2) a 2nd reason why it's made harder for him is because he's a guy!
Guys,even if their taught right, NEVER fully get it! It's part of being a guy! Their just denser than women when it comes to emotional stuff-that's how guys are wired,unfortunately!
I know because I grew up in a family of men! Only one,out of ALL those men, doesn't need to be given hints(not so subtle hints either) or told out right that Mothers' Day is coming up,a b-day is coming up, or some other special and important day is coming up! The ONLY 2 days,that guys remember with ANY frequency, is their own b-day and Christmas.
Example: My grandmothers' youngest son is in for a little while. He visited her first thing when he came in and he was going to do it one last time before he leaves. Thing is he's in for several days. It doesn't occur to him that his own mother will want to see him more than twice! She,literally, has to come right out and tell him! When she told him his reaction was priceless! His reaction "Really?!" **As his face displays a surprised(and then shocked) .
So.like I said before, I sympathize and I wish you the best!!
P.S.: I know this from my grandmother. I no longer have a lot of contact with that side of the family. They've chosen my father over me.