Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together 10 years. We have ALWAYS had issues, but things just seem to never really change. He blames me; I blame him, but its truly both sides. I feel like the kids and I walk on egg shells, he claims he does. One time something can happen it will be just fine, the next its a problem (depends on his mood). We all know how he is because we have been thru it me & my daughter for 10 years. My oldest daughter is 14 and is not his biological, but been her dad for most of her life, my middle daughter is 9 and son is 7 (they are both biologically his). Anyways. I have the kids asking why was daddy yelling and cussing you, why is daddy in a bad mood.....the list could go forever. I do notice we are all better when he is gone on his hunting trips, or comes home late from work or whatever. When he isn't home! I do take meds for depression, but I don't need them when he isn't there.
My question is one that I know no ONE can truly answer....but is it time to move on and get out?
I know I only have one life and I don't want to live unhappy anymore. I love him, but I truly dream about him not being a big part of my life and feel happy. He is a great person (sometimes), he has a huge heart, but its always something against him when things happen. FOR EX: He will be trying to pick up something from the cabinet and will drop it (happens to all of us), but his comment will be: "That fucker in the sky loves fucking with me" or "WTF, why me, never just easy" or "I hate my fucking life" (Which is said in front of the kids). I take the kids to church; my 9 year old goes every Wednesday and the other 2 will go occassionally, but this confuses them so badly. I have had the kids (especially my 9 yr old) ask, "Mommy why does daddy say he hates his life?" It is so sad and disheartning, All I can say is that he was just mad/upset about whatever and don't worry he loves you very much.
I know if I leave it will kill my 2 youngest, my oldest could careless, bc she has been thru so much crap with him!!
BTW: Marriage Counseling / Counseling is out of the question, he plays way too many mind/head games and I would coward down to him anyways. He loves to twist it all on me and talk above me, till I am so confused I have no clue what I was trying to say before hand.... It has always been this way, which is another issue: COMMUNICATION - we can never talk....it turns into me feeling like I am getting all the blame and him twisting anything I say! He constantly tells me I am being defensive and will confuse me so badly I can't remember anything I was going to say!
ANY suggestions/comments will be appreciated! I know its kind of everywhere, but I didn't want to write a novel.
Thanks in advance.
My question is one that I know no ONE can truly answer....but is it time to move on and get out?
I know I only have one life and I don't want to live unhappy anymore. I love him, but I truly dream about him not being a big part of my life and feel happy. He is a great person (sometimes), he has a huge heart, but its always something against him when things happen. FOR EX: He will be trying to pick up something from the cabinet and will drop it (happens to all of us), but his comment will be: "That fucker in the sky loves fucking with me" or "WTF, why me, never just easy" or "I hate my fucking life" (Which is said in front of the kids). I take the kids to church; my 9 year old goes every Wednesday and the other 2 will go occassionally, but this confuses them so badly. I have had the kids (especially my 9 yr old) ask, "Mommy why does daddy say he hates his life?" It is so sad and disheartning, All I can say is that he was just mad/upset about whatever and don't worry he loves you very much.
I know if I leave it will kill my 2 youngest, my oldest could careless, bc she has been thru so much crap with him!!
BTW: Marriage Counseling / Counseling is out of the question, he plays way too many mind/head games and I would coward down to him anyways. He loves to twist it all on me and talk above me, till I am so confused I have no clue what I was trying to say before hand.... It has always been this way, which is another issue: COMMUNICATION - we can never talk....it turns into me feeling like I am getting all the blame and him twisting anything I say! He constantly tells me I am being defensive and will confuse me so badly I can't remember anything I was going to say!
ANY suggestions/comments will be appreciated! I know its kind of everywhere, but I didn't want to write a novel.
Thanks in advance.
Have you both opted out of marriage counseling or is this something that you have tried in the past and it's not worked? Your husband has learned over time what buttons to push on you that keeps him in control but a "counselor" isn't so easily influenced.
You stated it yourself that you still love this man; it would very well be that you love him but don't like the person he's become? Those comments that he makes are meant to be hurtful towards you but what's the reason behind them? He's looking for a reaction!
Maybe it's time to have a long serious conversation with him and find out what you both are looking for out of the relationship in the future. It sounds as though that won't get accomplished without a mediator in the middle that will point out his repeated attempts at conversation and personality control.
If you can record one of these conversations; you could listen to it a few times to see what was said when and when the tone changed and he took over the conversation. You could also sit with him and play it back for him to hear just how overpowering and insensitive he is but that may again cause another argument.
I would recommend researching articles and there are a lot of publications out there on verbal defense in an argument. I think if you want to work this out with him you definitely as one of the steps is to learn to protect yourself in a verbal argument. You can beat him at his own game once you learn the skills.
The kids also pick up on it and it's sending the message that you (and by extension, them!) are not worthy of anything better.
Your husband sounds like he's got some persecution/victim complex and it borders on emotionally abusive.
I'd tell him that you DEMAND that you go to at least a month of sessions so you can tell him with a professional present all that you have on your mind and in your heart. He should at least know how bad it's gotten and give him the chance to change. If he won't, then I'd start searching for attorneys.