Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
For reasons I have no clue about my older daughter R has been extremely angry at me. It started at fourteen but has escalated. She is now 37 and is extremely abusive to me, angry, and vile. She has three children and the only reason I have anything to do with her at all is the grandkids. Recently though things have gone way over the top with her and I am not sure what to do. My husband feels I should soldier on because it gives him pleasure to see the grandchildren. He feels put in the middle. My feeling is that I need to cut her out of my life. She is way too toxic.
This weekend was a family gathering for a fast break due to a religious holiday. i spent hours making a dish, and when I got to her house she raked me over the coals and tore me a new one because I just made the dish and didn't ask her mother in law about it. I asked her to stop and she wouldn't, and said, "You're not the boss of me." It got so bad I had to leave. I have a terrible back right now, excruciating. I was forced to wait in a mall for hours until my husband came back from prayer. I couldn't go back to that abuse. Then yesterday the same daughter called demanding we have a party for my husband Oct 6 on his birthday. I explained I had a professional commitment but we could do it Oct 7. I sent an email to her, my other daughter and husband that said let's make a plan. R emailed me and said the cc was not appropriate. I got very annoyed. The following emails ensued:
Rachel
I am happy to do something Sunday Oct 7 for dad's birthday. Dad is aware and has been for the last month that I have a wedding to do Oct 6 and he will be driving me there and attending the dinner afterwards. If sunday the 7 is not good we can do something the following week.
I'm sorry you reserved the 6th assuming we'd be doing something. I haven't really been on the ball lately. I've been in a lot of pain, and planning has sort of gone by the wayside. I'm sure Dad would love to have his day with you even if it's not on his direct birthday.
Mom
My husband's reply: Any day is fine.. I'm just happy to be with all of the people I love and love...
R's Reply
It is so inappropriate of you to cc dad on this email. Sunday the 7th for brunch works. Dad, we are looking forward to celebrating with you.
My reply to R
Excuse me..
You are the daughter and I am the mother. You do not get to dictate to me, you do not get to correct me, you don't get to do squat. As you so eloquently stated, "You are not the boss of me". This will also be cc'd to your father.
G's reply
be nice everyone. Any day is fine for my birthday. We are booked the 6th.
My reply: My reply: I have no issue with being nice...IF it's reciprocal. I will not be dictated to, or told what is inappropriate, or made to feel badly in any way. This is my stance, and if you haven't noticed for the most part I turn my back and just walk away rather than responding. In fact I left the house rather than deal with this during the break fast.
R's reply to me:
You are such a nasty, self centered individual and this is why I have chosen not to have a relationship with you. All other emails from you will be deleted without opening.
R's reply to my husband when he said again to be nice to me:
You have always taken her side and thrown me under the bus. And to cc her to prove to her that she's right and I'm wrong is so wrong of you. I did not include you in my emails. That vile woman cc you because likes to destroy people. I can't even believe you just did that
Given this last reply what do I do. If I cut her out of my life I cut out my grandchildren. If I don't I put myself in her direct line of fire. Any suggestions?
This weekend was a family gathering for a fast break due to a religious holiday. i spent hours making a dish, and when I got to her house she raked me over the coals and tore me a new one because I just made the dish and didn't ask her mother in law about it. I asked her to stop and she wouldn't, and said, "You're not the boss of me." It got so bad I had to leave. I have a terrible back right now, excruciating. I was forced to wait in a mall for hours until my husband came back from prayer. I couldn't go back to that abuse. Then yesterday the same daughter called demanding we have a party for my husband Oct 6 on his birthday. I explained I had a professional commitment but we could do it Oct 7. I sent an email to her, my other daughter and husband that said let's make a plan. R emailed me and said the cc was not appropriate. I got very annoyed. The following emails ensued:
Rachel
I am happy to do something Sunday Oct 7 for dad's birthday. Dad is aware and has been for the last month that I have a wedding to do Oct 6 and he will be driving me there and attending the dinner afterwards. If sunday the 7 is not good we can do something the following week.
I'm sorry you reserved the 6th assuming we'd be doing something. I haven't really been on the ball lately. I've been in a lot of pain, and planning has sort of gone by the wayside. I'm sure Dad would love to have his day with you even if it's not on his direct birthday.
Mom
My husband's reply: Any day is fine.. I'm just happy to be with all of the people I love and love...
R's Reply
It is so inappropriate of you to cc dad on this email. Sunday the 7th for brunch works. Dad, we are looking forward to celebrating with you.
My reply to R
Excuse me..
You are the daughter and I am the mother. You do not get to dictate to me, you do not get to correct me, you don't get to do squat. As you so eloquently stated, "You are not the boss of me". This will also be cc'd to your father.
G's reply
be nice everyone. Any day is fine for my birthday. We are booked the 6th.
My reply: My reply: I have no issue with being nice...IF it's reciprocal. I will not be dictated to, or told what is inappropriate, or made to feel badly in any way. This is my stance, and if you haven't noticed for the most part I turn my back and just walk away rather than responding. In fact I left the house rather than deal with this during the break fast.
R's reply to me:
You are such a nasty, self centered individual and this is why I have chosen not to have a relationship with you. All other emails from you will be deleted without opening.
R's reply to my husband when he said again to be nice to me:
You have always taken her side and thrown me under the bus. And to cc her to prove to her that she's right and I'm wrong is so wrong of you. I did not include you in my emails. That vile woman cc you because likes to destroy people. I can't even believe you just did that
Given this last reply what do I do. If I cut her out of my life I cut out my grandchildren. If I don't I put myself in her direct line of fire. Any suggestions?
Believe me I did everything I could when she was fourteen, therapists, interventions, nothing helped.
Lightbulb went on in my head
In her email she said how my husband threw her under the bus, picked me over her remember?
Well suddenly it was as if a light bulb went on...and i remembered all the times she said something similar
That she felt he was always picking me over her
That somehow I never deserved him, but he kept picking me even when she felt I didn't earn it.
I had left him many times because he was so abusive, and each time he managed to portray himself as a victim. She has an unresolved Oedipus complex apparently, and couldn't understand why he'd pick me no matter what.
He is her natural father
But somehow in her head she felt I deserved to be kicked to the curb
That he was the victim
That he should pick her
Not sexually mind you, but emotionally pick her over me
THAT is why she is so angry
After he died I gave both children 50% life insurance even paid funeral , money was mine as I insured his life continue pay for it.My son was fine but my daughter then in her 30s began raise issue from her childhood it began by ringing me hour day and night going over his original accident his cancer , her estrangement .My Daughter kept feeling his presence here it was distressing me , my now husband and son lived here .I spoke honestly suugested she went grief councilling she refused demanded I be their for her .I said I would be limiting such calls to hour after which time was nothing useful be said . I also said I wanted time limits so wouldnt be taking calls 3 am ! Her marriage was having problems she felt I had deal all her issue . I felt she constantly seemed think it was my fault he got Cancer shock divorce that was nonsense he was remarried .I worked looked after him 2 years after accident when he was in coma , raised them worked looked after head injured man until marriage failed when had ms this was my reason for limiting these calls .I felt her anger was directed me not for dad she did have but Dad she didnt , she rant me her councilor didnt like me ? how could he say that he didn't even know me ,
for my own sanity did this sent her letter that stated I was sorry I failed help her with this but I was withdrawing from this that I need space grieve myself also felt she did suggested she stop all contact . I told her stay away 3 month give us needed time to sort out own feelings .I wasn't able be mother she wanted or needed I come realise that and this time she wasnt daugher I wanted or needed either so somewhere relationship needed to change .By now councilor was refusing see her insisting she change to another this told me this was for her own good he felt unable move her forward she also said he felt her problems were not all about dad dieing but her relationship with me.
for 3 months we had zero contact no phone no mail nothing but had told her if she felt ready some point try again , call me I leave that option open . She did call me asked come see me asked could we draw line start again.
my story not same yours but perhaps write her apologise relationship not working suggest what you both need is some space to grow as 2 head strong woman ! that in 3 month what ever period call her see if you can move things on . I do feel for you as sometimes it happens clashes personality sometimes we almost to much alike . sometimes with space we see things . hope you can resolve things . I didnt have Grandchildren but if I had then during cooling off period write them family news such.
"I am the mother, you are the daughter" If a Mom wants to enrage her daughter, invalidate her, tell them they will always be wrong, her opinions will never matter, suggest that her worth is equal to almost nothing, create a power struggle, lose respect, and is actively seeking to destroy their relationship or make it toxic,
Use this phrase! It will work every time!
If you need to ask why, Ask a Psychiatrist or Psychologist :)
"I had left him many times because he was so abusive, and each time he managed to portray himself as a victim. She has an unresolved Oedipus complex apparently, and couldn't understand why he'd pick me no matter what.
He is her natural father
But somehow in her head she felt I deserved to be kicked to the curb
That he was the victim
That he should pick her
I dont think anyone should pick someone they love over another, especially a mother and daughter. I do not know both sides but you asked for comments and I just feel you are doing the same thing she is and calling her names and being cruel. I am sure you have had enough abuse but there is no reason to treat anyone like that.
You are the mom no matter what her age and you should not have to take her abuse but do you think you might be at part to blame in all this?? Just my 2 cents
Kallie
The title of "Support Group" creates a bias of its own; discouraging people from saying that someone has behaved wrongly. Being guilty of this myself is the reason why I thank you Kallie. You expressed what I had been thinking.