Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
Hi. My MIL and I aren't getting along at all. See the post about Finally Done with MIL. She has made it clear I am not welcome at her home, but that husband and kids better be at Thanksgiving(we originally told her we were going before the recent events). So, there are 3 options, but not sure what is best. Please weigh in with your thoughts.
1. My husband and kids go over to MIL home without me on Thanksgiving. I could probably go over to a friend's house or there's a soup kitchen in town that I think I could volunteer at (I think they're open on Thanksgiving).
2. My husband and 1 child go over to MIL for Thanksgivng. Our other child and myself can celebrate at home on our own.
3. Husband, Kids, and myself stay home for Thanksgiving this year due to recent falling out and the fact I'm not welcome at MIL home.
Thoughts? Thanks in advance.
1. My husband and kids go over to MIL home without me on Thanksgiving. I could probably go over to a friend's house or there's a soup kitchen in town that I think I could volunteer at (I think they're open on Thanksgiving).
2. My husband and 1 child go over to MIL for Thanksgivng. Our other child and myself can celebrate at home on our own.
3. Husband, Kids, and myself stay home for Thanksgiving this year due to recent falling out and the fact I'm not welcome at MIL home.
Thoughts? Thanks in advance.
Work it out with your MIL.. Nothing short of you telling me she chased you around the office with a machete will convince me that you couldn't work this out with MIL.
I've read so much about your involvement in the Catholic church.
Sooo What is up with that??
I am actually a former Catholic. One of the reasons being this exact situation... As long as we knelt and confessed and didn't chew gum in church.. and tithed enough... goodwill and kindness didn't seem to matter much..
I'm being pretty tough with you, I know.. I have had differences with my inlaws as well.. so I'm not just dishing out advice that I haven't taken myself.
But really.. You are making your husband and children suffer. Give In at least a little bit and piss the Devil off!
I really want the best for you and your family!
If your MIL is not willing to have you in her home well in my opinion none of you should go as I feel you are all a package deal. If your husband does not agree with that I would tell him to go alone as I feel he should be putting you and the kids first. You certainly can't force your MIL to like you but you can set up boundaries and demand respect especially in front of those kids if she is not willing to do that then she has no choice but to accept the fact you and the kids will not spend any time with her.
After all she is not your future but your kids and husband are. As for tension it will create if you do not allow yourself and the kids to go well heck you already have that now so I say rock the boat a bit here and see what happens. Anyway have a talk with your husband and let him know things need to change hopefully he will see that and start to take some actions that will benefit you all. Wishing you the very best and hoping that you have not just a wonderful thanksgiving but a much better future as well.:)
I'm sorry about your husband's heart trouble.
I read your post on the Healthy Relationships board... If your husband needs to cut back on his stress level I wouldn't give him a hard time about texting his Mother.
With her giving him hell for not visiting and you giving him hell because he lied to you... yikes! poor guy!
The only way he can reduce some of the emotions and stress he is going through is to take control of the situation. Perhaps even consider a career change. As for dealing with feeling guilty about his mom I believe if he works closely with a counselor they can help him cope with that too. The best you can do is tell him you are there for him but I still think things have to change between him and his mom because even if you are not in the picture it will not eliminate the stress factors even though it might seem like it should.
In all aspects giving in to your MIL to me is not going to make life any easier for you or your family because if that were the case you would not be having these problems now. Change is needed. It won't happen over night it will take time and patience and that is where you can be helpful. Not demanding or anything like that but encouraging him to see that he has the control to not allow his mom's behavior affect him in negative ways. In saying that I think he needs to work on his feelings and slowly adjust to not being around his mom so much.
It is not easy but in my opinion the more time he spends around her the more stress will come even if you do not say a word. Just my thoughts:)
I would say that she overstepped her boundaries and if your hubby and children want to go 'visit' for Thanksgiving for an hour or two before or after dinner (say, apps and/or desert) great - let them go and cook while they are gone, or clean up, but dinner in this case - they should stay home with you and you should be a 'family' together. Her son married you, respect goes both ways. Unless you've volunteered out of the home on a holiday before, don't do it this year to avoid confrontation. Set the rules straight at the beginning - You won't go, and you're family will be together for holiday's. Period. They can go see her, but you don't need to budge on spending it together as a family, nor should your children/spouse have to pick a side. Make a compromise from the beginning, it's a fair one, and if she disagrees - well, then no one goes over. That's that.
HUGS...