Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
My husbands 19 yr old sister just moved in last week. She was raised in an extremely disfunctional home, dropped out of high school her senior year and we flew her out to live with us last year bc her mother was trying to get her to do heroine (its insane...I know). At that time she was on xanex and drinking and we had to kick her out of the house. She was disrespectful and didn't follow our boundaries.
exactly one year later we have her back in the house. In the past year she started dating a 28 year old alcoholic with a 12 year old daughter. She moved in with him in another state. His family has money and paid for their apartment, gave her a car and a full time job with benefits. We found out over the holidays that the boyfriend has been physically abusing her. His sister told us we have to get her out of there.
So here we are. She moved in last week. She has been pretty good so far. It seems as tho she is sober and much more clear headed. She is looking for a job.
The issue is she is continuing to reach out to the "ex". It is a strict boundary we set in having her stay with us. She still calls him her boyfriend, but she doesn't want to go back. My husband has zero tolerance. He feels completely disrespected by the fact that she has reached out to the boyfriend.
I don't know what to do. We need to set boundaries and we need to have consequences, but what consequences can we really give her. She is 19, has no money, and absolutely no where else to go. What real consequences can we give her? What realistic boundaries can we set?
exactly one year later we have her back in the house. In the past year she started dating a 28 year old alcoholic with a 12 year old daughter. She moved in with him in another state. His family has money and paid for their apartment, gave her a car and a full time job with benefits. We found out over the holidays that the boyfriend has been physically abusing her. His sister told us we have to get her out of there.
So here we are. She moved in last week. She has been pretty good so far. It seems as tho she is sober and much more clear headed. She is looking for a job.
The issue is she is continuing to reach out to the "ex". It is a strict boundary we set in having her stay with us. She still calls him her boyfriend, but she doesn't want to go back. My husband has zero tolerance. He feels completely disrespected by the fact that she has reached out to the boyfriend.
I don't know what to do. We need to set boundaries and we need to have consequences, but what consequences can we really give her. She is 19, has no money, and absolutely no where else to go. What real consequences can we give her? What realistic boundaries can we set?
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Which explains the mysterious fevers and my extra fatigue. I'm so glad I pushed for answers.
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Due to my increased paranoia, anxiety, and a panic attack over the weekend, my psychiatrist has put me back in a full dose of Zyprexa until further notice. Every time I think I'm getting ahead something happens and it's back to square one. I knew he was gonna do this but I can't help feeling disappointed. It is what it is.
The best thing you could do is be her friend, be supportive and also have strict guidelines on what's acceptable in your home! She needs to believe that she's worth more than what she's gone through in the past and it's time to move forward.
Counseling is a good idea. Personally I would be there for her no matter what she decides. The break up has to happen when she is completely ready.
I went through this with my daughter. It took her 3 times to leave and not go back. I listened to her and supported her. No matter what her decision was I let her know I loved her and was there for her even if I did not agree with her.
The 2nd time she went back The advice I gave her was hope for the best but prepare financially for the worse. She did. Everything was in her name and she made sure she had a nest egg. As we all new it did not work out. We wished it would but it did not.
It is not personal on your husbands part. Its not that she does not appreciate what use are doing for her but she has feelings for him and it can be confusing. She needs to have someone to turn to. Abusive men want their victims family to be estranged from them.
Abusers can also manipulate with love and honeymooning... She's confused and wants to be loved... It seems that a lot of people in her past have mixed love with abuse so it's what she knows
I would try and get her involved with a battered woman's/abuse group... Most of them are free so it won't matter that she's not working yet... I do think she needs a lot of help/therapy once she is providing for herself and I would try and encourage it.
Everyone seems to want to tell her what she can and can't do so I would back off as gently as you can while still protecting your home... Eg she can't abuse substances in your home
I don't see this as disrespecting you or your husband at all.... All I see from what you've written is a sad young woman who has had far more obstacles put in her way by those who are supposed to love her then anyone should have... Kudos to you for trying to help.. I hope that she will reach out for some help....x
1. No contact with the EX bf
2. Get ANY job- even at Walmart. Give her a week.
3. Have her sign a lease once she gets a job. Make her pay rent, part of utilities, and either she buys her own food, or she pays for part of that, too.
Don't tell her, but save her rent so when you think she's ready to get her own place, you have her first, last and security.
Write in the lease that she breaks it if she engages in ANY illegal activity. This includes drinking.
I think that's a pretty good start, don't you?
No point in putting in a boundary if you don't know what you'll do if she violates it. And you have to be willing to enforce it.
Watch out for the lease or even utility payments...that gives her legal rights. Even if she only signs it and never pays you anything, you're legally supposed to give her written notice, etc, etc. It may never matter, or it might... Much depends on local codes, local enforcement, and where she ends up going after your house. Personally, I'd avoid the headache and skip it.
http://real-estate-law.freeadvice.com/real-estate-law/landlord_tenant/eviction-of-family-or-friend-from-home.htm
We took in my ex's older brother for a short time. We ended up paying first months rent and security deposit on a room to rent (very basic place $100/ month rent), on a bus line to get him out. Then it was up to him.
At 19, she's of a legal age, so it's time to start growing up.
Yes, it may be difficult to hold her to a boundary, but even though she already contacted him, the OP can say, "From now on..."
I missed that part first.
Options are NIL if you didn't even graduate high school...
It IS possible for one person to live on minimum wage. Not easy, but possible. YOU have to believe first...then she'll scaffold into believing off of you.
The first hurdle is getting started. Looking for and finding a job.
The second is feeling that you're not a complete looser because of where you are in life. (I have countless stories of people who's lives were a mess in their teens and 20's and pulled themselves together. She's got to believe that she CAN do it, and IS worth it.)
You want motivation to set boundaries? Buy some of those things (keep the receipts) and tell her that if she plays by the rules, that they will be hers (sometimes seeing is believing), but don't let her use them yet.
Patti22 thank u so much for the advice and encouragement. Any other pointers you have would be great;) I think the biggest hurdle after she gets a job, is finding housing that is cheap enough. We r in Los Angeles so rent is a bit pricey.
https://www.google.ca/webhp?tab=mw&ei=_8SbVq78BumHjgTx9LzIBw&ved=0EKkuCAQoAQ#q=los+angeles+women%27s+shelter+US