Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
My bf of almost 5 years has just been approved for a house loan. I wish I was more happy right now. He's only 23 and he's taking a huge step to set up a future for us but I feel like I have been totally cut out of this decision. He decided to buy a house last year with his brother when he had decided to break up with me. He said he wanted a "party house" for him and his brothers in walking distance from his favorite bar and to have his little brother N move in.
We eventually made up but now he still wants to move in the same neighborhood as the bar and move N in as our room mate. We can afford the house payments perfectly fine on our own, and as far as I knew when we reconciled our relationship we were planning on starting a family as soon as my health problems are under control. He still wants a baby, but I feel like he will be partying all the time and drinking too much, and I am not going to get pregnant and be stressed beyond belief and deal with a newborn while he walks to the bar every night.
I also am a highly private person, I have always hated living with other people and I feel like it will create a lot of tension in our relationship and my relationship with his family if his brother is living with us and always criticizing my house keeping(which he loves to do). I suffer from bad anxiety and the idea of living with someone else gives me literal panic attacks. I have tried to explain it all to him but he says I am paranoid and making a big deal out of nothing. I told him I am not going to move with him if N moves in and he just shrugged because I'm sure he doesn't believe me.
It's making me feel like a naggy shrew that I am asking this of him. I know he is close to his brother and wants him around, but if we move in that neighborhood he's going to be there EVERY DAY anyway so why can't we have nights to ourselves without having to have a room mate? I feel like I have sacrificed a lot in this relationship and it is unfair for him to ask me to do something I am so uncomfortable with. And if he can't compromise on this what does that say about our future and having kids? Is he going to ignore all my opinions and wishes about raising our family too? Am I being totally ridiculous and selfish??
We eventually made up but now he still wants to move in the same neighborhood as the bar and move N in as our room mate. We can afford the house payments perfectly fine on our own, and as far as I knew when we reconciled our relationship we were planning on starting a family as soon as my health problems are under control. He still wants a baby, but I feel like he will be partying all the time and drinking too much, and I am not going to get pregnant and be stressed beyond belief and deal with a newborn while he walks to the bar every night.
I also am a highly private person, I have always hated living with other people and I feel like it will create a lot of tension in our relationship and my relationship with his family if his brother is living with us and always criticizing my house keeping(which he loves to do). I suffer from bad anxiety and the idea of living with someone else gives me literal panic attacks. I have tried to explain it all to him but he says I am paranoid and making a big deal out of nothing. I told him I am not going to move with him if N moves in and he just shrugged because I'm sure he doesn't believe me.
It's making me feel like a naggy shrew that I am asking this of him. I know he is close to his brother and wants him around, but if we move in that neighborhood he's going to be there EVERY DAY anyway so why can't we have nights to ourselves without having to have a room mate? I feel like I have sacrificed a lot in this relationship and it is unfair for him to ask me to do something I am so uncomfortable with. And if he can't compromise on this what does that say about our future and having kids? Is he going to ignore all my opinions and wishes about raising our family too? Am I being totally ridiculous and selfish??
You are seeing/mentioning some huge red flags. Let me rephrase...more like a flashing red neon billboard.
1. He's not ready for commitment. Brother is coming before you. That's ok if you are just casually dating. Moving in together and having kids...that spells out alot of resentment on your part and possibly your kids getting cheated out of daddy time. In my opinion, that's not ok.
2. Brother disrespects you and criticizes you. What does bf do? Does he allow this to happen? If so, there's a respect problem with not only the brother but with bf.
3. BF isn't bothering to understand your fears/stress with living with other people after you've explained it. This is a major problem. Either he's very self centered or disregards your feelings as not important. Not someone you want to raise a kid with at this time.
4. If you want kids, the party/bar scene is NOT a good thing for either of you. It brings around things not compatible with kids. Now, if kids are a few years down the road, this may not be an issue...didn't sound like that from your post, though.
Sounds like you may be in a different place than he is. He probably cares and wants to keep you around but doesn't want to grow up yet. I would not suggest moving in with him or having children with him at this time. He has to make the relationship and your feelings a priority over brother and partying first. I'm not saying break up, just don't do anything that you can't easily walk away from should he continue to not mature and show disrespect. I know this is very hard to hear and I'm sorry. Hope it works out. **HUGS**