It is called "loving from a distance." We may love as closely or as far away as we choose. You love your family. That is obvious from your post. But they have hurt you. When they have hurt you enough, you will realize that it is not good for you to be around them very much. If they never hurt you that bad then you should be around them as much as you can tolerate, endure, accept. It is all up to you. Only you have the power to decide that, not your family.

Sometimes estrangement is a good thing because it removes you from abusive environments that will only create emotional damage and turmoil for you. But sometimes it can be worked out with hope and love. Put yourself first. Do what is best for you and your own family. Be happy, loving, and positive. If your family of origin cannot love you and respect you as they should, increase the distance.

best of luck to you,
--EJ

The power of a new attitude:

http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/13574522-the-power-of-a-new-attitude

Enjoy!
--EJ

I don't know how your situation will turn out but if the separation remains and can't be repaired, please know that time does heal and the pain does fade. I am a few years into estrangement from my siblings and parents. Back then, I never would have imagined it would last or that the pain would ease. In my situation, the relationships were beyond repair. I couldn't get passed their cruelty and shouldn't have to. It's been years now and I have dealt with the emotional turmoil and moved on. It will always be a sore spot in my heart, but I have grown into a much stronger person. My life is much better without all the negativity and emotional abuse.

All I can say is that I hope your situation improves and works out. And if it doesn't, then just know that the pain does eventually get better and the tears do dry up. My heart goes out to you!

In my view, estrangement is something that should only be a last resort because it can end up being a very final thing with hardened positions and no finding your way back. Sometimes, distancing is an option. But I agree with Syeera that where there is cruelty and abuse, estrangement is sometimes the best option.

Another good thing about estrangement is that it often allows you to focus on yourself and your own needs which is something that we really should be doing anyway. Love yourself. Think about your own needs and desires, and take good care of yourself.

very best,
--EJ

Hey there Carebear. I am so sorry that your parents and brother have mentally abused you. You are very strong for taking yourself out of that situation. I do understand wanting to have your family together. Now is this a case of where you are moving on and want no more contact with them or are they punishing you? What's the deal with your brother? What is the fight about? What all was said?

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support, it's really nice to have that. I do want a relationship with my parents just not sure how to get back there. The fight stemmed from 3 months ago my brother flew off the handle at me cussing me out because I was at work and couldn't respond to his texts fast enough to give him a lawyer referral. Everyone is out to get him, he's always the victim, his life is so hard. Meanwhile, we had a wonderful childhood where our parents are still married and provided us with a loving home. However, in the past few years with my brother's asshole behavior, verbally and physically once I find it unacceptable. So, 3 months ago when he cussed me out I said I was done until he could grow up, even though he's 25. I stated I didn't want him around my daughter. My mom did watch my daughter while I worked and set it up to where he would be there when I dropped her off. No, that didn't fly. This turned into me "tearing the family apart" "making them choose children etc" I simply don't want to be around him or him around my daughter. He has major issues and I have said for years he's on drugs. Fast forward a few days and my parents and I had a huge screaming match where they blame me for his behavior, I'm basically a bad person and spoke to me about my character in a way that things never should have been said. Speaker phone, both my parents against me. Never thought we'd be here but here we are. So I haven't seen them since, it's been very stressful. I'm trying to pick up the pieces and be strong. As if now I can't even be in the same room as them. That's the summed up version! I know God will give me the strength to get through this and I pray we come out of it stronger although it'll never be the same. My husband has been so amazing through all this. I am doing my best to keep my head up and not dwell on it but it is still so painful. Thanks again for reading my post.

Your instincts as a mother are right-on. You are right to protect your daughter from your brother or anyone else that doesn't know how to act properly around a child. She only has you and your husband to protect her. If your mother has poor judgment about who to leave your daughter with, then I would not leave my child around your mother either, sorry. See if you can arrange family therapy with all present, but don't sacrifice the health or happiness of your family in order to "fix" the dysfunctions of your family of origin ("FOO").

best to you,
--EJ

Thank God for your DH, right? : )

I'd say that your parents are deflecting and putting their heads in their sand. They don't want to deal with the fact that their son's a drug addict and would rather blame you than face any guilt that they failed as parents in some way.

Just do your best with your own family and leave them out of it.

Hugs.

There is nothing more tearing than being separated from your family. I would take this time to work on yourself and establishing good boundaries. Boundaries books by Cloud & Townsend are very good at helping to understand how to set appropriate boundaries with family. It sounds like there is some dysfunction going on and perhaps although you view your childhood as wonderful there were issues there too but more subtle. Obviously something is going on with your brother and you are right to distance yourself and your child if he is behaving in an abusive manner toward you.

You may look at getting counseling for yourself. Dysfunctional people are very manipulative, controlling and down right crazy making people. Draining. It takes strong support and mental toughness to deal with these type of people. You also have to know your own energy level and when is too much because it is exhausting. Having lots of distance is good. I think in time you maybe able to extend an olive branch in a way that allows the relationship to continue in a protected way. Not the same but in time if they extend respect you can return it.

I am separated from my family now over a year and it has been very hard and I worry about if something happens to them. But in my situation my daughter was sexually abused by my step-dad and everyone has supported him and not me and my daughter. My kids come first always and I won't have them treat her that way after all she has been through. I have had falling outs in the past that we've worked through but this I can not find that branch to extend their way until they can acknowledge what happened and believe and support my daughter. I wish it wasn't so and I know it wouldn't be if it was not for this situation. I pray about it often. I pray for them also. Praying often helps relieve the ache and the anger. Blessings.

@EJ, thank you so much, I really appreciate the support and kind words. @Deli Completely agree and thank you! @hearts- It is true both my brother and my parents are extremely manipulating and guilt driven. Therefore its only recently that I've realized how much of a toll its taken on me and am trying to break the cycle-meaning no longer going to allow that behavior to have such an influence on me. I do feel a little stronger everyday.
Regarding your comment with your daughter, I am so so sorry to hear that you both are going through such a horrible time. You are doing the right thing by putting your kids first and taking care of your daughter. That must be incredibly painful, and you are right-prayer does help. Hugs back!

Keeping your distance is your best move because people who hurt us intentionally may be our family but in essence they are our enemies. They are attempting to make us lesser people.

Only hang out with people who make you feel like you are really important. Best way to fight damaging oneself.

Hi Carebear,

I just read your post and boy what a mess! Very sorry that you are the target at the moment. Like others said, you have to protect your daughter and at the end of the day, she comes first before your parents or brother. His behavior is unacceptable and you don't deserve it. Although the way your parents reaction towards you was totally uncalled for, I agree that they are just very hurt and are choosing to turn a blind eye to what is going on. Maybe come to them with sympathy and say that you are sorry they are having to deal with all of this and that your brother's choices are his and no one elses. It is nobody's fault for the situation he is in except your brother. Setting boundaries with family is hard but necessary. Yes, time will heal and no, whatever they said can't be taken back but be proud of yourself for not responding to them in the same way. We all have moments of weakness and remove our voice filters (like your parents and brother) but you can't control that. They can sit there and point the finger at you all they want but if I were you, I would make it perfectly clear to them that your daughter and husband are your #1 priority now, not them. It can be very difficult for family to understand that after we have grown up and made our own family. Good luck and look for cathartic ways to handle this, journaling, exercising etc. Take care.