At the very least, the FIL is an exhibitionist !! Whether or not he's a pedophile is something that will be determined. Only your FIL knows the real reason he gave up babysitting his GS twice.

I would agree with you that your FIL should have absolutely no contact with this man. If your husband needs further validation for your feelings on the subject he should talk to your FIL's attorney. I'm sure there is a "no contact" with any child until the trial date at the very least. And, since he's already admitted guilt to your husband, there's no chance on earth I would allow my child to be the subject of his disturbing fantasies!

Thanks for your response. I had not even thought of the no contact with children thing, that's a good point. This whole situation has been emotionally exhausting to say the least. DH and I have never argued or disagreed more then over this and other issues surrounding this situation with FIL. I just can't and don't think I will ever understand how DH thinks it's OK for DS to be around FIL. He has actually said it is unfair of me to "punish" him for something he did to someone else's child?!?

Wow. Your DH is in denial. Would he be okay with a rapist dating his sister or daughter with that same reason? Don't punish him with another woman he didn't rape???

Too bad, FIL... this is what you get for having inappropriate boundaries with kids- no access to your grandson.

Sorry but I'm leaning to the other side on this one. We never know what anyone we encounter is thinking. I've been told by several men that they are undressing the women they are talking to. I'm sure men and women have fantasies all the time. It's only when they act on them or act out that we have any idea there is something going on.

My guess is that your FIL stopped watching your son because he knew he was tempted and didn't want that to happen. I'd give him some credit for that. After all he could have kept watching him and exposed him to his urges and you would never have known.

We have a family friend who is a convicted pediphile. Nicest, kindest man you could imagine. I would never leave my kids alone with him and as they were old enough we explained it to them so they would understand not to be alone with him. I compare it to an alcoholic...I wouldn't leave my kids alone with them but I also wouldn't cut them out of my life.

Your FIL probably does have restraining orders against him until the trial. He will probably have them after the trial as well if he is found guilty. So this is not going to be an issue for a while. When he is legally able to be with your son I would go with your husband to talk to him. Explain your concerns and see what he says. Short closely supervised visits would be a good start.

But Tigg, he DID act out- over the course of 5-6 months. He's sick.

Maybe a happy medium (if that's the right word) would be to make sure he's in therapy and to allow supervised visits after the trial?

But still, I'd be upset that your DH would side with his dad over his son and wife on this... Who knows- maybe HE was molested, so he thinks this is no big deal???

But Deli as far as anyone knows he didn't do this with his GS. He stopped watching him several times...probably because he was tempted. They did talk to his counselor and were told he is on the low end of likely to reoffend. This sounds like a man who has some control. If you think about it his crime was standing inside his home on the other side of a window and dropping his pants. People do far worse just walking around a shopping mall.

I'm not excusing what he did. I think the parents need to be very vigilant. But this grandfather sounds like he really loves his grandson. The old saying "don't throw out the baby with the bath water" applies here. Protect the boy but keep the love of his grandfather.

I appreciate all your replies and opinions. It's been a very difficult few months and my DH and I have almost separated over this issue a few times. I know my son has no real idea what is happening and has not asked to see FIL or why he has not been around for months (we used to see him weekly)

My DH does seem to think that it's not as big deal as it is. And I know that it is not even close to the worst thing that could have happened. FIL suggested the visits so I would assume that there is currently no non contact order in place. I do know that he cannot have contact with any of his accusers, but we have not been given a lot of information.

Overall this has caused great damage to my entire family. Arguments over opinions of FIL and how to deal with him and my son have virtually no one in the family speaking to each other. My MIL (FIL and MIL are divorced) and DH think that FIL is so kind and that he would never hurt a relative. My mom thinks that FIL should never be around kids and be locked away forever. I firmly believe that if I did let my son see my FIL my mom would stop speaking to me, Needless to say the rift that this has created goes beyond anything I could have imagined.

My mind can literally not comprehend how anyone could think that this person could be around a child right now. I also come this to being an alcoholic, but to that end I would ask this. Would you take an alcoholic that had only been sober for 60 days to a bar? Would it be fair to them or those they could hurt in a DWI to take that chance?

I think that MAYBE if more time had passed or a plea taken or a verdict rendered I would be able to have a better picture of the situation. The fact that he has rejected a plea deal that included no jail time (he did not want to register as a sex offender) and the idea that he was able to hide this from his family for God only knows how long makes me wary.

I have met with his wife, my SMIL, and she also seems to be in denial about this. She has mentioned many times that he would not "attack" anyone. They all believe because of his age (72) and his failing health that he should receive leniency and mercy. But I keep asking if they would fell that way if it was their kid on the receiving end of his exposure.

I have also used the example with DH that what if this was DS's bus driver or our neighbor, would it be ok for DS to be around them? He actually said NO WAY?!? His reasoning is that he "KNOWS" his dad, but if you knew him how could he have done this for so long with no one knowing?

I feel like there is no good answer here. If I continue to say no it will create a rift in my marriage that will likely be irreparable, but I can not let my son be around someone I feel could be such a danger to him.

I hope FIL knows the damage he has caused because of his "fantasies."

Platypus, thank God your son has you! It seems that no one on this earth is in a position to protect your son from his grandfather, other than you. Make no mistake about it. Your FIL is a sexual predator! He exposed his genitals to children walking to and from school and was caught red-handed. Who knows what other sexual or criminal offenses he has committed where he was not apprehended.

Stand strong, Platypus. Do not listen to anyone else on this issue when it comes to the safety of your child. If you have any confusion, talk to Child Protective Services. They are experts. If it were my son, I would tell the FIL that he will only be able to see his grandson when you are there watching everything he says and does. I would also tell him that if he ever laid an inappropriate hand on my child I would kick his ass in no uncertain terms. Forgive me, but that is the way I feel about it. Children are innocent and deserve our protection.

best,
--EJ

I would feel the same way as you do. If your husband feels the need to have a relationship with is Dad he should do this every once in awhile on his own just them two. Keeping your children away from him is the best way to protect them. I wonder if anything happened to your hubby growing up.