Family & Friends of Bipolar Support Group
This community is dedicated to parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives and friends of someone who is Bipolar. The purpose of this community is to help families and friends develop greater patience and understanding, as well as maintain a positive, caring relationships with those diagnosed as Bipolar.
My husband's birth mother and his brother are both bipolar. I fear that my husband may be too. Where to begin with this...?
My husband is has these odd shifts in mood and behavior. One minute, he is perfectly happy and talking to me about anything and everything. But anything can set him off without warning. We no longer live together because of his violent behavior. So, when I ask him if we can talk about our marriage, just the mention of it sets him into this violent rage. He screams at me and says I'm trying to start a fight.
He also thinks I'm out to kill him. He accuses me of trying to poison his food, trying to cause him to have a heart attack, and so many other unspeakable things that are too many to mention.
He had surgery for his back June 1st, and I was staying with him when he got home from the hospital so that I could help take care of him since he couldn't walk. Things were fine for a few days, but then he started screaming at me out of nowhere and told me I was useless. It got so bad that I left (again) after just 20 minutes of his yelling. But here's the really weird part- he accused me of trying to blackmail him a few days later because I wouldn't go over there and help him. He says that I'm trying to "force" him to be nice to me by not cooking for him, making his meals, and refusing to help him in any way at all. And he really believes in his head that this is blackmail!
He also thinks he said things or did things that he never did. He has these "memories" of us that never even happened either. He claims to have answered a question that I asked 5 minutes earlier, when I was standing right there, staring at him and waiting for a response. When I ask him again, he screams and tells me that he just answered me. But he didn't even say a word.
He seems to go through these mood changes rapidly throughout the day, and it seems to be different throughout a few weeks/months. Right now he seems to doing his typical "happiness" thing where he tells me he loves me constantly, is a 'good' dad (just calling him a "good dad" is so weird to do considering the abuse), and he generally seems 'on top of the world'. But I know the ugly side is coming. I've been going through this for years with him, and I know that something I do or say is going to set him off.
Does anyone have any advice on this? Is there a way to maybe force him to get a psychiatric evaluation? He refuses to get help, claiming it's all MY fault for anything bad that happens to him (like him never paying the gas bill and it getting turned off, even though he won't let me have even a dollar, and i reminded daily to pay it). Asking him to get help will set him off and after he busted my head open in one of his rages, I'm afraid to even bring it up anymore. So is there something I can do about this legally?
** Just so everyone knows, I do not allow our son to be unsupervised around my husband, and I do not take my son to see him when he is in one of his mood swings. I keep my son as safe as possible.
My husband is has these odd shifts in mood and behavior. One minute, he is perfectly happy and talking to me about anything and everything. But anything can set him off without warning. We no longer live together because of his violent behavior. So, when I ask him if we can talk about our marriage, just the mention of it sets him into this violent rage. He screams at me and says I'm trying to start a fight.
He also thinks I'm out to kill him. He accuses me of trying to poison his food, trying to cause him to have a heart attack, and so many other unspeakable things that are too many to mention.
He had surgery for his back June 1st, and I was staying with him when he got home from the hospital so that I could help take care of him since he couldn't walk. Things were fine for a few days, but then he started screaming at me out of nowhere and told me I was useless. It got so bad that I left (again) after just 20 minutes of his yelling. But here's the really weird part- he accused me of trying to blackmail him a few days later because I wouldn't go over there and help him. He says that I'm trying to "force" him to be nice to me by not cooking for him, making his meals, and refusing to help him in any way at all. And he really believes in his head that this is blackmail!
He also thinks he said things or did things that he never did. He has these "memories" of us that never even happened either. He claims to have answered a question that I asked 5 minutes earlier, when I was standing right there, staring at him and waiting for a response. When I ask him again, he screams and tells me that he just answered me. But he didn't even say a word.
He seems to go through these mood changes rapidly throughout the day, and it seems to be different throughout a few weeks/months. Right now he seems to doing his typical "happiness" thing where he tells me he loves me constantly, is a 'good' dad (just calling him a "good dad" is so weird to do considering the abuse), and he generally seems 'on top of the world'. But I know the ugly side is coming. I've been going through this for years with him, and I know that something I do or say is going to set him off.
Does anyone have any advice on this? Is there a way to maybe force him to get a psychiatric evaluation? He refuses to get help, claiming it's all MY fault for anything bad that happens to him (like him never paying the gas bill and it getting turned off, even though he won't let me have even a dollar, and i reminded daily to pay it). Asking him to get help will set him off and after he busted my head open in one of his rages, I'm afraid to even bring it up anymore. So is there something I can do about this legally?
** Just so everyone knows, I do not allow our son to be unsupervised around my husband, and I do not take my son to see him when he is in one of his mood swings. I keep my son as safe as possible.
Given that he's both abused you and is unwilling to seek help, the answer looking in from the outside is for you to leave the relationship for the health of you and your son.
I don't think you can force him to have an evaluation unless he is in imminent danger of harming himself.
At best, you can let him know in a non-threatening way, even if its in writing, how his behaviors are impacting you and what you feel is needed to keep your marriage going. You are not telling him he has to change, you are simply telling him the result of the choices he makes. Ultimately its his choice on if he takes action.
I've seen it so many times on other posts and heartily agree with it: the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and your son. If he every comes around, then maybe their can be a future together.
I stay with my bp wife because she is staying on her meds, is not abusive in anyway, treats both me and my daughter with kindness, and is working hard to stay in the marriage. If she wasn't I worked through my codependency issues enought that I believe I would make the decision, no matter how hard, and divorce.
I also have told him he can not be alone with our daughter not just because of his mood swings but also because of the things I found out that he did and still does. Our son is 17 so if he wants to see him he can. He just doesnt want to.
It took me almost 2yrs to listen to everyone here about taking care of myself 1st. I always tried to help him and a horrible cost to me and my kids. I did everything I could to convince him to get help. All it did was give him control over me and gave him the opportunity to drag me around for all this time.
Unless he wants to get help there is nothing you can do. I have to remember this all the time. I tried for 2 yrs and all it got me was alot of lying, cheating and bancrupcy. BTW today is my 18th anniversary. So you know that I really loved this man. I put everything I could into this and no matter what, you just cant help them unless they want it.
Good Luck!!!!
My husband is now on medication for bi-polar disorder but I have started to realize that the issue was not bi-polar, it is just him. If your husband refuses treatment, there is really nothing you can do. As theronson said, unless he is in danger of hurting himself...
Two things I was told (which I consider wonderful advice) is (1) does he have the ability to change and (2) does he want to change. The patterns that you have described, to me, does not appear that he want to change (especially if when you bring up seeing someone, he rages). Maybe he has the ability, but is not in a place to do it.
Protect yourself, protect your son... there is nothing that you can do to change him or make him seek help. Your son's and your own well-being are what is important. Hopefully he will begin seeking help eventually... but how far does the situation have to go before that happens? I wouldn't recommend waiting around to find out.