Family & Friends of Bipolar Support Group

This community is dedicated to parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives and friends of someone who is Bipolar. The purpose of this community is to help families and friends develop greater patience and understanding, as well as maintain a positive, caring relationships with those diagnosed as Bipolar.

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/ Family & Friends of Bipolar Support Group

insults of a bipolar

maraconstantinescu
maraconstantinescu
I so hope that someone will see this message and give me an advice. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years and we had ups and downs, we survived his drepressions or manic episodes. He has been diagnosed 3 years ago and his on medication ever since. We love eachother very much and I think he is he one for me despite his problems and i would like to be with him forever. Unfortunately some months ago he stopped seeing his therapist (she quit her job). Although he takes his medication, he started having a beer every now and then, drinking coffee, not sleeping as he should... He also had some problems and work and he felt he was treated unjust and this stresses him a lot! The bomb exploded on Friday when I told him very nicely that the message he sent me bothered me. He started yelling saying that I cheat on him, that I have been lying to him all this time. And next thing I know he took his things and left to his parents' house. Yesterday he has been sending messages insulting me for 3 hours and asking me to just face the half of the times I cheated on him...I din't insult him...I just told him that that is not true. That I am madly inlove with him and I have never cheated on him. SIDENOTE: I am from Romania and he is from Colombia. I have moved here to be together. Today I wrote him that I hope he has a calm day and I don't want all these bad words to exist between us. He answered that: "WTF is this? Is it just to piss me off? Or is it that you had sex with the neighbor and wanted to let me know?"
I don't know what to do... of course that is not true but there is no way I can make him understand. And if I tell him now I think is bipolar talking and not you it will just make it worse. Should I wait few days and let him alone? I don't want him to think I abandoned him...I want to be next to him whatever happens but no he just hates me because he thinks I have been cheating on him...which is not true...
I will profoundly appreciate any advise! Thank you!
Community Leaderacuriousfish
acuriousfish
unfortuantely if this is an episode it may well escalate and last months.

meds help the management of bipolar but are not 100%. It could be the drinking that has reduced the effectiveness - or that the meds started to fail prompting the drinking.

If it is a bipolar episode rather than him just being mean then he needs further treatment.

if it is a bipolar episode and he truely believes you have treated if you do anything further it is likely to fuel his paranoia / delusions.

Bipolar episodes are defined by a change in behaviour so I'd expect his parents to notice - even if it is pressured speech, flights of ideas etc - might they try and help him get seen by a psychiatrist for a med tweak? Are you able to contact them without him knowing?
maraconstantinescu
maraconstantinescu
Dear Acuariousfish, I thank you so much for your response, it feels like I am not alone in this world.

Yes, I have contacted his parents and informed them on what is happening but I really hope they will not try to talk him out of this but help him instead. He has an appointment with his psychiatrist today and I hope he will attend!

So I just need to have a lot of patience...just that I would like him to know that I am here for him. It is devastating to have the loved ony thinking something like this. I really didn't cheat on him :(

Thank you so much for your support! I will try to stay away for a while and pray and hope...
mustgoon
mustgoon
Hello Mara I agree with Acuriousfish your boyfriend is already in an episode. He needs to get help. He really needs to see another pdoc to helo him get back on track. My fiancee is also mean when on an episode so it's very hard to not feel hurt when they say those horrible things but what really helps is to keep in mind that they're under the influence of bipolar. Bipolar has a hold of their thoughts, actions and emotions. By you already recognizing it's the bipolar talking and not him, it's a huge step. You can tell him that you will not tolerate the abuse and you will only deal with him until he sees a doctor and takes his meds. He needs to get well and stop hurting you. Be strong, you can do it. Sending them to get help is the best you can do for him and yourself.
maraconstantinescu
maraconstantinescu
Mustgoon, I cannot properly express in words how much it means to me this "you can do it". Unfortunatelly I cannot take him to the doctor because he won't listen, I just hope that he still has a bit of rationality and will go. On one hand I am happy that I love him still after all he has said and done, because this means I can tell bipolar reactions from non-bipolar. And I am glad that I am able to love him no matter what. I just hope I will get the chance to take better care of him...and us and not allow the disease to take control of our relationship. Thank you so much...it means a great deal to me!
mustgoon
mustgoon
I'm so glad I can help some Mara. I'm so glad you can see through the illness because many people have a hard time doing that. You're on the right track :) Your boyfriend is so fortunate to have you, but please take care of yourself. I have learned that one must not let the illness go rampant because it just causes more damage. Also one must not enable the bipolar's hurtful behavior, just because they're ill. I know it will be hard for you because you love him but he needs to treat his illness. I wish I would have known that. My fiance didn't tell me anything about bipolar, I had to do research on my own and go through agonizing months of mania not knowing that he needed to get his illness under control.
Please remember that you'll do him a greater good by being strong about him getting treatment. You'll help put an end to the episode. If he can't do it on his own so he needs your help, but please don't make him think that it's ok for the illness to go untreated. I've been there. I'm so glad my advice means a lot to you :) It means a lot to me being able to help. I hope Epicjourney shares his advice too.
maraconstantinescu
maraconstantinescu
Hello Mastgoon! It is finally so great to have found a place where somebody listens and understands. I am trying to follow your adivise and even he continues to text me and try to make me accept things that are not true I am not replying. I told him that the only thing I have to say is that I love him and I have never cheated on him. He has a new psychiatrist and after deep research I have found her and I will ask for help. Unfortunatelly his parents are very passive and the situation won't change without some adjustments in his treatment and therapy. I hope I will find a way to take him to the doctor and we will see from there.

I don't want to abuse your time and kindness, but I have a question. Supposing that this crisis will pass, how should I manage the things he is obsessed about now? Because I have noticed some of the things he says have been present in other crisis. I mean what do I do to help him understand that I didn't cheat on him so that there are lesser chances for a relapse. Most of his crisis are based on his lack of self-esteem (because he things I am too good, to nice, too pretty to love him and only him)! Add stress and work problems and there we have the crisis!

Thank you very much for your support and I hope I will learn a lot about this and help him to have lesser bipolar episodes, mania or depressions. I hope sometime I will be able to support you back!
Community Leaderacuriousfish
acuriousfish
"Supposing that this crisis will pass, how should I manage the things he is obsessed about now? Because I have noticed some of the things he says have been present in other crisis. I mean what do I do to help him understand that I didn't cheat on him so that there are lesser chances for a relapse. Most of his crisis are based on his lack of self-esteem"

my sugestion is that when he is well you might try couple therapy for this specific issue. BUt he must be well. This is obviously something just below the surface and not really related to the bipolar - it just gets worse when he has an episode. So in theory, when he gets his meds this is something fixable through therapy - rather than you just trying to assure him.
maraconstantinescu
maraconstantinescu
UPDATE: Apparently he has seen his psychiatrist yesterday and she increased his dose of Lithium by a pill (he used to take 2 dayly and 1 seroquel).

He continues to text me all the time reinterpreting all the things that have happened in these 2 years against me. He is saying that everything that has ever happened was my plan to destroy him. He says that I have said things that I am sure I haven't (for example he says I was using too much the word "behind" and that was to make him understand I am cheating on him).

I really feel like saying he is crazy...but I know he is ill and I have to have faith that it will pass. And I really don't know how much of this will still be on his mind when he will be ok...I am so confused and I feel like a higher power should tell him that I love him with all my heart and I have never cheated on him...
maraconstantinescu
maraconstantinescu
And the thing is that I cannot continue living (even if we won't continue together) knowing that the only man I have ever loved thinks I have cheated on him. I don't want him to believe this because he is a wonderful person who deserves to be loved even more that I love him and he deserves to know that....
mustgoon
mustgoon
Hi Mara I'm glad to help so don't worry about asking questions :) I agree with Acuriousfish, when your boyfriend is well please seek counseling. I have to share with you that my fiance does the same thing to me, he's always suspicious of what I'm doing or that I might be getting in touch with my ex. He thinks I'm looking for someone new (it's frustrating) and it only happens when he's on an episode. I just tell him "when you're ok to make sense of things and the bipolar isn't present, then we can talk". I have also told him that if I didn't care about him then I would have already left but I am here, that I would be honest and I would rather walk away than to be unfaithful, but here I am because I do love you.
I have also told him that bipolar makes him think things that are not even happening.
Your responses are very well said. I'm so glad you have found a new pdoc, you are doing so much and I'm proud of you for doing that. I'm also glad to learn he's taking medication and doing his part :)
I keep in mind this illness is very unfair to those who have it because it outs them in a bad light and few people are able to understand that it's the illness and not the person hurting those around them.
His parents being passive won't help, but your strength and determination will. The illness is serious and so it's important that he understands that. Just like a diabetic won't let the sugar levels do what they want, a bipolar must not let the illness do what it wants. He needs to keep it under control.
When he's ok please go to couple's counseling. He needs to understand what the illness does to his thoughts and feelings and he needs to see the truth. He needs to realize that if you didn't love him, you wouldn't go out of your way to help him. He needs to realize that you're a valuable person that has genuine feelings for him. We can tell that you in fact love him and true love does not cheat, ever :)
maraconstantinescu
maraconstantinescu
Good moorning! I am writting here so I don't go depressed myself cause I feel really really sad. He asked me to send him a picture of us but he won't talk to me. His parents told me that he's very sad and heartbroken. I know he suffers a great deal but he won't let me be by his side and hug him and tell him I love him no matter what because all the things he thinks are true. I don't know how I can be there for him if he won't let me... I feel powerless and it hurts so much. If I would know he is happy and better off without me, I would be happier...

Hugs for you guys and thank you for being there and listening. It keeps me hoping...
maraconstantinescu
maraconstantinescu
*because of all the things he thinks are true and are not
mustgoon
mustgoon
Hi Mara good morning :) Try your hardest not to get depressed, just be sad. I say this because one can't help but feel sadness because our loved one is in the withdrawal phase. It hurts when the illness makes them pull away from us and they distance themselves. The illness makes them do different things, I call them phases. If you can think of this as a phase of bipolar, you'll feel better.
Sometimes it's as if bipolar wants to take my loved one away from me. I will give it time because I know that when the episode is over my loved one is gonna want me back :) and I'm gonna want him back too.
Hugs for you too, lots of them and there is hope! :)
maraconstantinescu
maraconstantinescu
Thank you so much for everything! Although I live in the sunny Colombia, seeing a message from you these days is my sun. He drop by while I was away and took most of his things (leaving what I gave me but also what he gave me - drawings and love notes - which I see as a good sign so I feed hope). He didn't write to me anything today!

What do you do when your boyfriend withdraws. I know he is suffering both because of his illness and us not being together. How do I let him know that we can still be togther, that I am here for him and I still love him. Do you think texting is a good idea? I am sure that the answer differs from one person to the other. But do you have any idea what sign would he want in this phase to assure him I am still here for him and I love him?

Thank you so much...and I really hope I will be able to pay you back the amazing support you are giving me. But at the same time I hope everything will be ok with your boyfriend always and you won't need it!
mustgoon
mustgoon
I'm so glad I can cheer you up :) so glad to be of help :-) Take this time away to reflect on things and refuel, that's what I do. Also you could send him a get well soon card or a thinking of you card. Or maybe you can make the card yourself and write very positive messages full of hope, like "hope to spend time with you soon" "please get well, looking forward to happy times again".
You can also use the time to learn more about the illness. I have learned so much and I still am. Then when he's well you can share your knowledge with him. Empower yourself with knowledge, it really pays off :)
I put myself on hold, I yearn for his company but I have to remind myself that he needs time to get well and I'll be here when he comes back to me :)
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