This is my first post. My mom was verbally and physically abusive to me as a child. I moved out of the house at 16. My father died when I was 18 and she pulled over on the interstate and physically kicked me out of the car so that I missed his funeral. She’s terrible in times of stress but there are times where we can go On an outing and actually get along even though these times seem to get rarer as she ages.  We go through long periods of not speaking. I’m almost 40 with 3 young children and I’ve been trying to have a decent relationship with her for the kids sake. She’s pretty much the only extended family we live near and the kids love her. Though my oldest (7) is starting to notice her mood swings and general meanness. She fights with everyone. Her sister and son haven’t spoken to her in years and that has strained my relationship with them. They avoid my kids birthday parties just so they don’t have to see her. She fights with all her neighbors, her coworkers, her church, government agencies... pretty much everyone she comes into contact with but of course, it’s everyone else’s fault. Her rants about all these things are so draining and then she gets mad at me and says no one supports her and I’m always snarling at her. I get these ridiculously long emails from her written at all hours of the night and early morning venting her frustrations at me and the world. I feel like I’m still being verbally abused. It also makes me doubt myself. Am I not empathetic? Do I only think about myself? Have I exaggerated how bad my childhood was? Im not very patient with her and I do snap easily at her.  

In the past 2 years, I’ve been having panic attacks, and avoiding driving which is inadvertently hurting my homeschooled children. I often have an overwhelming feeling that I’m doing something wrong, or that I’m going to get in trouble, or make someone mad.  My husband does so much for us but just cannot understand having come from a near perfect family. Sometimes I think I should cut her off because she is toxic. But the kids get sad when she doesn’t come around for awhile and even though her help is very limited, it is the only help we get with the kids (babysitting for a short time or being with me in the car for excursions).  She won’t get professional help or take meds. Most of the time, she denies she was ever diagnosed.  I found someone to go talk to in January but even spending the money on therapy gives me anxiety. I’m so tired of this cycle. I wish she would have some self awareness, stop being so narcissistic, and I could stop walking on eggshells when she’s around. I’m tired of fighting and then being down for hours instead of present and focused on my children. She makes my heart ache and I wish I didn’t give her that much power over me.