Family & Friends of Bipolar Support Group

This community is dedicated to parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives and friends of someone who is Bipolar. The purpose of this community is to help families and friends develop greater patience and understanding, as well as maintain a positive, caring relationships with those diagnosed as Bipolar.

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Mental Health
/ Family & Friends of Bipolar Support Group

How to stop the Guilt

alone1020
alone1020
I am still having such a rough time with my husband. He is going through so much. He is so depressed, but at the same time his manic anger shoots through the roof. He is not talking to me again because I asked him what he wanted for dinner. I'm not suppose to. Whenever I apologize to him I get a two hour lecture and then he tells me he is tired of explaining to me how sick he is and that he is tired of me. He wants me to make my life without him now cause he knows how he is. Most of the time know he blames me for fighting back (I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it) and for ruining the day. I know I do sometimes because I don't always watch what I say, like asking what he wants for dinner. He blames me because he tells me I am fighting not with him, but his illness and thats not him. I know this, but his illness is cruel and makes me feel useless and stupid. He tells me I don't understand cause he dosen't choose to be like this and if he could change it would be for me, but he can't so either I just take it or leave. I'm lonely for the man he use to be, but I know he isn't coming back. He always got angry, but he was never demeaning as he has been for the last few years. He is very far gone and we have minimal health insurance. He doesn't want to take meds because he know how it will effect him. He says do I want to take care of a zombie cause that is what it will be like. He tried meds before and they didn't work either. I feel guilty for wanting to go and yet don't know how, he kind of has been the strong one all these years. Not sure how his illness got so bad. I know I have changed too. I'm depressed all the time when I am home. I am exhausted. I feel really crappy all the time and has always had low self esteem. I have no energy to do anything but watch TV. I have been trying to make new friends and have even taken up a hobby. I started doing to make myself feel better. I am afraid to leave him. I feel guilty but on the same hand feel like I am his cause. He is always angry at me, but can act normal around others. He tells me to make a life for myself because he knows how he is and that he loves me and that is why he tells me to go. I just don't know what to do, I know I can't make him well. I am trying to find a therapist for myself, but again minimal insurance and not sure what to do. Its nice to have a place where you can write your feelings down and not be judged. Thanks for letting me vent and advise it is always appreciated.
Community Leaderacuriousfish
acuriousfish
I'm bipolar

"He doesn't want to take meds because he know how it will effect him. "

How can he know?Unless he's taken every kind of medication he cannot know that.

"He says do I want to take care of a zombie cause that is what it will be like."

Again, how does he know?

Tell him there's a huge community of bipolar people on DS, Bipolar 1, Bipolar 2 and schizoaffective who are largely functional. We've taken on the challenge of finding the right meds. We've had the side effects, we've had the disappointment of going from med to med but once we found the right cocktail we were glad of the effort.

He needs to make that effort too or he is simply wasting his life (as well as dragging everyone around him down).
pdwife9
pdwife9
Acurious fish is right. Encourage your husband to get help. My bp daughter was on a bp med that made her feel like a zombie but she is on her third drug change and she finally feels normal again. It takes persistence.

Let him know you want to help him get better. This is not your fault. You should definitely find a therapist for yourself as you shouldn't be abused because he is unwilling to deal with his illness.

Things can get better. Wishing you both the best.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You've taken the first step already by coming here. Your strategies are yours alone and unique to your situation. I suggest a therapist for yourself be a last resort. For me and girlfriend I keep one idea at the front, I didn't cause your bipolar and I can't solve it, I'm part of the support team. Also I'm not going to miserable just because you are, so if it gets to bad I will go on a time out. We don't live together so for us its usually 24 hours of separation only one phone call allowed during the 24. You can work this out unique to your situation. Early in our relationship I had an occassion where I questioned my own sanity, no moor, no more. You need to get to this status yourself. In the end, worse case, you can walk away just depends on how bold you are. Meanwhile take some time and determine your boundaries, might even write em down, what are your limits, you have to take care of yourself so that you can take care of him remember. Good future to you.
Colleen31
Colleen31
read your situation, was like reading exactly what i am going through . my husband is the extact same way to a t. gets angry at things that are not even that big of deal, the other night, my husband got mad at me because i didn't get a text message asking to pick up something from the store for dinner, even though we had discussed what we were doing for dinner eariler.my husband has own hobbies, and i try but nothing keeps my interest longer than a day or two. i usually just watch tv or movies. at least coming here you can finally see you are not alone at all. you have a safe place to vent, scream, cry, whatever. stay strong
deleted_user
deleted_user
It is so very common for people to hide behind "I don't want to take meds because they will ____." I hope you can encourage him to realize that this is a major mental illness that needs treatment. My husband was resisting meds and treatment for several years until he blew up his life so bad he could no longer deny. But I don't recommend that route! My husband, medicated and stable now, wishes he had gotten help way sooner, in retrospect. And remember that manic episodes can cause brain damage. Not to mention the fact that the longer someone is up, the longer they will likely later be down. I don't think you should feel guilty about setting some boundaries with him. You should not be living on eggshells. But I understand why you have been, because that was me too for so long.
alone1020
alone1020
I want to thank all of you for your support. I realize I am responding late but I haven't been signed on for awhile. All your advise as always is comforting and helpful. I appreciate it. I try to read everything I can on this subject and in my mind I know when he is in a episode it is not him but the illness, but I can't seem to help feeling so abused from it. Its so hard not to react and answer back and just take it. When he is in an episode like today, i just don't know how to act or what to do. I am really really overwhelmed these days. Thanks for all the support, for i really have no where to turn. My family doesn't know and I have just started putting myself out there for friends but no one I have met yet to turn to. I have reunited with some high school friends, but not yet close enough to turn to. Its really great to have somewhere to turn to. Thanks.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I won't go on about my story, its similar enough to yours only I have a two year old. My husband was a different person completely before we were married and now we arent living together because things got so bad. My advice regarding you saying you havent told your family is... TELL THEM. Seriously, I wish I hadn't been so protective of my husband because now that I have left, the majority of the family thinks that I am just having issues of my own and they dont get that his mental illness can override any attempts at working out even the most basic marital problems. Its good you are reaching out to friends. Keep it up I know its hard. You need people to remind you that YOU aren't crazy. I'm sorry he puts you down. I don't know you but I can tell by what you said that you are a good wife. You just got stuck with a sick husband. Its all well and good for him to love you but its not okay for anyone to treat you that way on any kind of regular basis. If you can, I second what acuriousfish says. There are so many kinds of medication options but that may not solve your problem even if you cuold convince him to try different drugs. Its like what they say on airplanes incase of emergency, place your own oxygen mask on before assisting anyonen else. Take care of yourself and best of luck to you!
blessuall
blessuall
Thank you very much for your post. I can really relate to it and what others have written. My adult daughter does not know yet that her father is bipolar...I was hoping it would come from him since I know she will not believe me or go straight into denial coming from me. This is a complex situation many times because they can be addicts/abuse meds in addition to being bipolar. Getting the right blend of meds is possible but most often very difficult along with whatever they are taking on the side that the psychiatrist does not know about and/or you don't know about or stop taking the meds because they feel better and you don't know that either sometimes. I am soon going to tell my daughter since she is such an enabler & covers up all the time for her father...it is insane. Her bipolar father just twists all the harmful things he does to my fault and somehow she goes along with it!!!!
Just know upfront when you tell others about your husband being bipolar those who don't know much about it may say things that will only aggravate you more just because they don't understand.
You always know you can come back here though....we do understand...my heart goes out to you.
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