Family & Friends of Bipolar Support Group
This community is dedicated to parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives and friends of someone who is Bipolar. The purpose of this community is to help families and friends develop greater patience and understanding, as well as maintain a positive, caring relationships with those diagnosed as Bipolar.
Please can someone advise me? Ive only just found this support group after the weekend from hell drove me to seek help here. I was so distressed over the bizarre behaviour of my boyfriend, it was my father who suggested he could be bipolar.
We are both 49, divorced with adult children, and started dating about 18 months ago. After years of being single this man made me happier than I could imagine again, and we both fell head over heels in love. It was only about a month into the relationship that I knew something wasnt quite right. Despite seeming so normal, down to earth, and also the kindest, sweetest and most romantic man I had bever met with he would 'disappear' and go silent on me for days at a time, totally ignoring my texts and phone calls.
This used to worry me sick at first as I would think he had been in an accident or was abandoning the relationship, but then he would return full of sincere apologies and things would be great again. He also suffers from debilitating migraines which he also blames for the periodic withdrawal. I observed he seemed to be in a 3-4 week cycle of being very 'up' and engaged in the relationship one week, less so the next, offline the third week and then back again on the fourth. He kept saying he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me, so I hung on in there full of hope things would get better.
Things got really crazy when we were supposed to spend summer in Europe together visiting his family. I went ahead with my daughter to visit my friends and family and despite him promising that he was about to arrive any day, and us putting our plans on hold by waiting, he never actually arrived. I flew back to NZ to be with him, things were great for 2 weeks then he totally and completley disappeared. It was only by contacting his boss that I found out he had flown to South America without telling me!
I broke of the relationship after that because it broke my heart. He begged for a second chance and said he would never do that again. After 2 months of begging, I forgave him, but then followed more months of up and down, bizarre behaviour, dramas, disappearances, loving apologies, until he finally cracked and admitted he was having some sort of breakdown. He agreed to go into therapy and admitted he had a history of suffering periods of severe anxiety and depression, had attempted suicide in the past, He said he wanted a future with me but knew he had to get better first.
I was relieved about the therapy, afer each session he would discuss what 'triggers' they were working on and how he could recognise them before doing something stupid. It was also suggested he was suffering from PTSD since he had some very bad trauma in the past. He also admitted that he only sees me when he is "well' which is every second or third week recently. He phones me in between times, and often texts.
The main problem that has driven me to distraction is the promises he keeps making and breaking. The number of times he declares he is 'on his way over' to take me out to dinner or to finish a project at my house (he is a great handyman) but never turns up and never texts to cancel either. My friends think I am crazy to put up with this, but I cant tell you how loving, sweet, kind, sensitive, intuitive this man is when well, but it feels like he is living in some kind of alternative reality. Its really effected my mental health as well. I cant ever rely on him or make plans. The disruption to my social and family life, the disapointments.
The reason I suspect bipolar is that when he is 'up' he makes a lot of great promises, is full of energy, starts projects, and says he doesnt have a need to eat. He often works 60 hour weeks (he is a skilled tradesman) and drives himself hard. When he hit rock bottom about 2 months ago I withdrew from the relationship but offered to support him as a friend. Then a few weeks later he suddenly appeared again saying he was 'cured' and everything was going to be great. I get caught up in his 'up' mood and start getting hopeful again, things are wonderful for a few days, then he does the disappearing act and I am left feeling abandoned and distraught. He doesnt drink, and I dont think he takes any drugs apart from the meds for his terrible migraines. There are still so many things about him that I dont know because we dont live together and in the past few months his illness has meant limited time together.
On Friday night when he didnt turn up again after promising all week, and I had a bad day (I lost my job) I finally snapped and decided that I couldnt put up with this craziness any longer. Things were improving of late as his communication had become more consistent and we were making some practical plans together, so I feel gutted. Today I feel so bottomed out, depressed and abandoned because Ive been there for him all this time and he cant be there for me when I need him.
I wish I knew what this illness is, but at the moment all I can do is withdraw from the relationship and getting caught in this exhausting cycle. I dont know how to cope any more, can anyone help?
Thank you so much if you read this far,
Carmel
We are both 49, divorced with adult children, and started dating about 18 months ago. After years of being single this man made me happier than I could imagine again, and we both fell head over heels in love. It was only about a month into the relationship that I knew something wasnt quite right. Despite seeming so normal, down to earth, and also the kindest, sweetest and most romantic man I had bever met with he would 'disappear' and go silent on me for days at a time, totally ignoring my texts and phone calls.
This used to worry me sick at first as I would think he had been in an accident or was abandoning the relationship, but then he would return full of sincere apologies and things would be great again. He also suffers from debilitating migraines which he also blames for the periodic withdrawal. I observed he seemed to be in a 3-4 week cycle of being very 'up' and engaged in the relationship one week, less so the next, offline the third week and then back again on the fourth. He kept saying he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me, so I hung on in there full of hope things would get better.
Things got really crazy when we were supposed to spend summer in Europe together visiting his family. I went ahead with my daughter to visit my friends and family and despite him promising that he was about to arrive any day, and us putting our plans on hold by waiting, he never actually arrived. I flew back to NZ to be with him, things were great for 2 weeks then he totally and completley disappeared. It was only by contacting his boss that I found out he had flown to South America without telling me!
I broke of the relationship after that because it broke my heart. He begged for a second chance and said he would never do that again. After 2 months of begging, I forgave him, but then followed more months of up and down, bizarre behaviour, dramas, disappearances, loving apologies, until he finally cracked and admitted he was having some sort of breakdown. He agreed to go into therapy and admitted he had a history of suffering periods of severe anxiety and depression, had attempted suicide in the past, He said he wanted a future with me but knew he had to get better first.
I was relieved about the therapy, afer each session he would discuss what 'triggers' they were working on and how he could recognise them before doing something stupid. It was also suggested he was suffering from PTSD since he had some very bad trauma in the past. He also admitted that he only sees me when he is "well' which is every second or third week recently. He phones me in between times, and often texts.
The main problem that has driven me to distraction is the promises he keeps making and breaking. The number of times he declares he is 'on his way over' to take me out to dinner or to finish a project at my house (he is a great handyman) but never turns up and never texts to cancel either. My friends think I am crazy to put up with this, but I cant tell you how loving, sweet, kind, sensitive, intuitive this man is when well, but it feels like he is living in some kind of alternative reality. Its really effected my mental health as well. I cant ever rely on him or make plans. The disruption to my social and family life, the disapointments.
The reason I suspect bipolar is that when he is 'up' he makes a lot of great promises, is full of energy, starts projects, and says he doesnt have a need to eat. He often works 60 hour weeks (he is a skilled tradesman) and drives himself hard. When he hit rock bottom about 2 months ago I withdrew from the relationship but offered to support him as a friend. Then a few weeks later he suddenly appeared again saying he was 'cured' and everything was going to be great. I get caught up in his 'up' mood and start getting hopeful again, things are wonderful for a few days, then he does the disappearing act and I am left feeling abandoned and distraught. He doesnt drink, and I dont think he takes any drugs apart from the meds for his terrible migraines. There are still so many things about him that I dont know because we dont live together and in the past few months his illness has meant limited time together.
On Friday night when he didnt turn up again after promising all week, and I had a bad day (I lost my job) I finally snapped and decided that I couldnt put up with this craziness any longer. Things were improving of late as his communication had become more consistent and we were making some practical plans together, so I feel gutted. Today I feel so bottomed out, depressed and abandoned because Ive been there for him all this time and he cant be there for me when I need him.
I wish I knew what this illness is, but at the moment all I can do is withdraw from the relationship and getting caught in this exhausting cycle. I dont know how to cope any more, can anyone help?
Thank you so much if you read this far,
Carmel
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I find myself going places in the car and not wanting to get out of the car. I come back home and I don't want to get out of the car. I think it's the only time I spend reflecting. Chronic tiredness from Long Covid plus the immunosupressing meds for my Crohn's is slowing me down but everything just seems a massive effort. I am dealing with the paperwork following my father's death but it's not...
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Wow, it's the middle of the week already!Today is our 11 year anniversary, so we're going out to a nice dinner. I'm losing a lot of sleep these days, hence a wonky schedule and uncomfortable feelings. But I know it will pass, eventually.I hope all of you have a peaceful day, and may good things come your way!
If he has Bipolar then he needs meds. Therapy without meds is next to useless because Bipolar cannot be controlled through psychology, it is a chemical imbalence that completely changes your level of arousal and therefore behaviour.
This behaviour does make you crazy and it will bring you down.. there is a lot of drama with them... they do not think like you and I and it will affect you mentally. You will start to feel like you are the mentally ill person and your life will probably start to be consumed with mental illness. Does he have, does he not? Is it me, or is it him? Denial from them is a big thing too... this is crazy making too.
You are not married to him, and no children with him either. If I knew what was in store for me with the bipolar man that I married 22 years ago... the ups and downs.... erratic behaviour at times, illogical thinking, violence, rages, manipulation etc. I would not have married him. You need to get yourself out of this relationship. You are already miserable, so why take it any further. It really is souls sucking stuff.
You said he is not getting medication for this? But then you don't know if he has it. If he goes and gets an evaluation and gets onto some proper medication, then maybe you could consider continuing with him... but even then, you will always have some drama for the rest of your life. Drugs can stop working and sometimes cause more problems.
If I was just dating still, and this was occurring I would leave. Good luck to you.
While there are things that do resemble bipolar symptoms - there are a number of conditions that give rise to similar effects. To see a list, look here:
http://www.emedicinehealth.com/bipolar_disorder/page2_em.htm
The thing that stands out in what you have said that suggests some other cause is that these cycles are so regular. That does happen in women but I've never heard any man with Bipolar having that unless there is a specific regular trigger (e.g working nights, drug abuse).
You might find some info here useful.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Family_and_Friends_of_Bipolar/forum/7938075-intro-bipolar-long
You should end the relationship. Sorry. Hugs...
cut your losses, carmelb. if you think the last 18 mos have been bad, what are the next 18 yrs gonna be like?? that kind of behavior doesn't go away. there are men that prey on women with trusting souls and giving hearts. they know all the right things to say....all the right buttons to push to make you feel like 'you're the only one' ........ they 'need you'........'nobody understands them like you do' blah, blah, blah! don't fall for it any longer. you're worth too much to waste your life being miserible.
best wishes!!