I haven't been on here, well because it was always the SSDD, and after 15 years with my husband, this is just about as bad as it's ever been.  Finding women's names and numbers in his phone, sexual texts from 1 woman to him (which supposedly she meant to send to her husband Jeremy and accidently sent them to my husband Jerry), taking my ATM card and spending hundreds of dollars a day, taking off in the middle of the night, not sleeping for a week at a time, daily rages (throwing things, breaking things, holes in doors from him punching and kicking them), screaming and cussing me out every other day for hours at a time, continuously accusing me of cheating with people I haven't seen in years, he's smoking pot and taking meds that expired 4 years ago.  This has been going on for the past 2 months, non-stop.  In between all of this were moments when he would apologize profusely, saying he's just stressed and frustrated, and professes his undying love and faithfulness to me.  Then says he's not leaving til he's done bleeding me dry.  I just don't know where the truth lies in all of this mess.  Has my entire 15 years with this man been a giant con?  Or is he really that psychotic off his meds?  He has left me, and has a psychiatrist appointment on the 16th that I fear he won't go to.  I just keep crying because he says the most horrible things to me, then in the blink of an eye, he acts like everything is fine and he didn't say anything.  Tells me I need to quit hanging on to things, he says that stuff since he's crazy.  He has screamed in my face that he hates me and hoped I died on the operating table the day before I was having surgery.  The people he was living with while we were separated got a 3 year restraining order on him for assault but didn't press charges, so clearly this madness is not only directed at me.  I just feel completely lost and confused.  I needed his help when I broke my arm and needed surgery, so I really didn't have much choice but to ask him to come home and help me.  But this has been 2 months of torture for me and I just keep crying because it's too much.  

For those who have read this far and don't know me from way back when, my husband was a wonderful man when we married.  He coached the kids' soccer and baseball teams, never missed a game for his own kids or mine.  He would drop everything to help me, family members, friends and strangers.  His best friend was a homeless man that we helped, even the kids gave up receiving expensive gifts one Christmas so we could help furnish his apartment.  Sadly, his friend passed away, later that year his dad passed away, and the following year he lost his mother.  After all that loss, I lost my husband to insanity and will see glimpses of him now and then, but not for any significant length of time.  He ended up 5150'd after his dad's death, and ended up arrested and in prison after his mother's passing.  All of which he blames me, not his threats of suicide and to harm others.  He did have a good year after his release, in a sober living, regular therapy and stable on his meds.  Anyway, I'm just feeling heartbroken, sad, confused, and don't know which way is up at this point.  I've been praying, going to church, and trying to just let go and let God through my tears.  I know the right thing to do will be revealed, and I just really hope and pray he can find his way, with or without me.  Oh, and a big part of why I haven't divorced him was to keep him on my insurance.  He has needed multiple surgeries, and I wanted him to be covered any time he did want to see a therapist or psychiatrist. And yes, I still love him, despite how awful he is to me.   

Thanks for letting me vent.