I am new to this, but was wondering about getting advise. I am married to a man for 23 years and he has bipolar. I think he has gotten worse over the years. I am so tired of feeling bad all the time. He makes everything my fault and says I make all the wrong decisions. He has a way of making me feel guilty for just about anything. If he is not yelling at me, he is feeling sorry for himself. He is always feeling sick. I listen to him complain all the time. All he does is complain and if I don't want to hear it he gets angry at me. He call me at my job and when I can't talk he accuses be of putting my job before my family. My job is my outlet and frankly sometimes I prefer to be there. He tells me how lonely he is and I don't comfort him any longer. He doesn't realize how lonely I am also. He starts fights with me and frankly lately I have been irritated myself. I lose my temper and yell back. I know I should understand after all he is Bipolar, but sometimes I just can't help myself. Then I feel guilty because I should be more understanding. He some how always makes me feel like its my fault for the fight. He tells me he can't help what he says, but if I even answer him in any way, it could be nice, it could not be, he would then somehow say is this where you want to go today. Sometimes I just try and tell him how I feel and it always becomes about him. I always want to be alone, I know apart of that is depression. I don't have any friends because I never leave him alone, and also I feel so depressed I don't want to do anything. I watch TV to escape. We don't have health insurance so it hard to go and find a doctor even for me. Money is tight. I think my writing is all over the place, but I so tired of feeling this way. I don't know how to explain this to our son. I try to explain the mental illness to him, but he also feels the tension in the house when he is here. We both walk around on eggshells in our own home. I feel guilty because I want out. My husband tells me I don't except this as an illness like Cancer, but he tells me this is an illness and I just need to except this. What I really want, I can't have. Don't get me wrong, I do Love this man, but I think it the man he use to be. Time has made me selfish, bitter and I feel like I don't want to be the doormat any longer. I know I don't always understand how he feels, cause I always think he can control himself. He doesn't cheat, and he is careful with the money, but he is angry, and mean and he puts me down. He makes me feel awful about myself. In his world he can say whatever he likes, but if I say one thing that he doesn't like or agree with, there is a night of extreme anger in it. Never Physical, but alway hurtful. I guess there was a time where it did not happen a lot, but in the last few years it happens all the time. I just needed someplace to write this and maybe get some support. We had another fight yesterday over something so small, but it got out of hand and now won't spend Christmas with me and our son. He says to have a good time without him. My son stays to himself when we are like this and I try to explain to him that its his illness, but like me he doesn't like to see the anger. Financially we are not really in a position to just leave. I am really torn on what I want to do. I want to help, but also want out at the same time. I realized I posted this in the wrong support group. Thanks for listening.