Family & Friends of Bipolar Support Group
This community is dedicated to parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives and friends of someone who is Bipolar. The purpose of this community is to help families and friends develop greater patience and understanding, as well as maintain a positive, caring relationships with those diagnosed as Bipolar.
Ive been married for 18 years and dated for 10 prior to that. So there is a long history of the relationship with my husband and Ill do my best to summarize. In the early years of dating as well as marriage, there were hints of issues that never made any sense. They were few & far between and were easily dismissed as they were not impactful to the relationship or to my own mental health. For many years I could feel the bond between us. Then in 2006 there was a shift in our relationship. He tried to control and manipulate me. Words were also said that I would consider being verbal abuse with apologies following once he had time to reflect. As one who has always been strong and knew that I need to take care of myself, I worked hard to combat the manipulation, control and verbal abuse. It was also around this time that he began to see a therapist for an addiction. As time has gone by there have been ups/downs but I always managed to maintain my mental health as I tried to understand his behaviors. For the most part, I was successful. In 2012, the on/off mood swings he experienced became more frequent and carried over into the early part of 2013. There have been moments where he tried to control, manipulate, blame me, angry words, etc. with lots of tears followed by his apologies. With the increased frequency, I started to experience anxiety and always waiting for the next mood swing to occur.
As of July 2013, his psychiatrist (not his therapist) prescribed Lamactil on a small dose with increasing his dosage over several weeks. He is not officially diagnosed as being bipolar but the medicine is supposed to help with the mood swings. And it has. Initially, I kind of got my husband back The one I knew from many years ago and he was happy. Hes acknowledge for all the wrong and pain hes caused me over the years and wants to make it up to me. Now that hes been on this medicine for a few months, it does seem that the happy has leveled out and has fallen back into mood swings. However, they are not as impactful as before, more short-lived and not directing any of it towards me as in the past. Hes recently begun to question if the medicine is doing him any good. I remind him that his mood swings are less severe now.
A little info on my husband to provide some insight:
*His father was an alcoholic and apparently his father used to tell him that he was worthless in some fashion.
*He has officially been diagnosed as ADHD and OCD and does take medicine for this.
*He has only recently been able to acknowledge his childhood and how it is affecting him now.
*He has lots of anxiety and it is easily triggered by life events.
*We do not have kids but have pets (3 dogs & 3 cats)
*In addition to medicine for ADHD & lamactil he has started to see a cognitive behavioral therapist
Now that I know & understand a little from his childhood, Im able to have a little more understanding to his behaviors. While my patience dwindled over the years Im working on maintaining patience & understanding. My anxiety is a bit higher now and not sure I understand why. Maybe its because of the insight I have now instead of just telling myself that hes a jerk. Its really been a weird & long road to wrap ones head around and understand. I am fortunate in that I have dear friends that understand. I do refrain from sharing with my family except for one sister because I do not have faith that they would understand.
Im not real sure of my intent behind the post other than to begin to establish another form of support. I once used another group to help deal with my diagnosis of a pituitary tumor and it was quite helpful. I think my biggest concern is knowing that I will need to keep dealing with his struggles as he works towards getting better and I find myself feeling tired and need to pull on strength.
As of July 2013, his psychiatrist (not his therapist) prescribed Lamactil on a small dose with increasing his dosage over several weeks. He is not officially diagnosed as being bipolar but the medicine is supposed to help with the mood swings. And it has. Initially, I kind of got my husband back The one I knew from many years ago and he was happy. Hes acknowledge for all the wrong and pain hes caused me over the years and wants to make it up to me. Now that hes been on this medicine for a few months, it does seem that the happy has leveled out and has fallen back into mood swings. However, they are not as impactful as before, more short-lived and not directing any of it towards me as in the past. Hes recently begun to question if the medicine is doing him any good. I remind him that his mood swings are less severe now.
A little info on my husband to provide some insight:
*His father was an alcoholic and apparently his father used to tell him that he was worthless in some fashion.
*He has officially been diagnosed as ADHD and OCD and does take medicine for this.
*He has only recently been able to acknowledge his childhood and how it is affecting him now.
*He has lots of anxiety and it is easily triggered by life events.
*We do not have kids but have pets (3 dogs & 3 cats)
*In addition to medicine for ADHD & lamactil he has started to see a cognitive behavioral therapist
Now that I know & understand a little from his childhood, Im able to have a little more understanding to his behaviors. While my patience dwindled over the years Im working on maintaining patience & understanding. My anxiety is a bit higher now and not sure I understand why. Maybe its because of the insight I have now instead of just telling myself that hes a jerk. Its really been a weird & long road to wrap ones head around and understand. I am fortunate in that I have dear friends that understand. I do refrain from sharing with my family except for one sister because I do not have faith that they would understand.
Im not real sure of my intent behind the post other than to begin to establish another form of support. I once used another group to help deal with my diagnosis of a pituitary tumor and it was quite helpful. I think my biggest concern is knowing that I will need to keep dealing with his struggles as he works towards getting better and I find myself feeling tired and need to pull on strength.
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I find myself going places in the car and not wanting to get out of the car. I come back home and I don't want to get out of the car. I think it's the only time I spend reflecting. Chronic tiredness from Long Covid plus the immunosupressing meds for my Crohn's is slowing me down but everything just seems a massive effort. I am dealing with the paperwork following my father's death but it's not...
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Wow, it's the middle of the week already!Today is our 11 year anniversary, so we're going out to a nice dinner. I'm losing a lot of sleep these days, hence a wonky schedule and uncomfortable feelings. But I know it will pass, eventually.I hope all of you have a peaceful day, and may good things come your way!
Lamotrigine as well as being a mood stabilizer used for bipolar (it's other main on label use is for epilepsy) is now also being prescribed for "normal" depression, PTSD, Borderline personality Disorder and a few other things.
My guess is that you initially saw the ant-depressant type effect it is famous for but that has now depleted.
My suggestion would be to pursue the diagnosis because a correct diagnosis leads to the right treatment.
The doctor might be thinking the mood swings are from Borderline Personality Disorder (see http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Family_and_Friends_of_Bipolar/forum/12521924-borderline-personality-disorder-article ) especially if he had a difficult childhood - plus you mention blame and manipulation. The treatment for that is principally a type of therapy, DBT.
Or it could be he thinks the mood swings are down to PTSD.
The problem is that the doctor has attempted to control the symptoms but a much better approach would be to nail down the diagnosis.
If it is bipolar there are a lot of meds and work that can be done, ditto for Borderline or PTSD but he needs to determine what the root cause is first.
I hope that helps - there is hope for a way through this.
@JayneTG... I read your post this morning and to some degree I felt as though I was writing the words. Your post inspired me to write on this forum. I have also in the past underestimated the need for support. This is something that can't be dealt with alone. Stay strong!
He states that he has changed now, no longer will I control him, he will do what he wants to do. He has left to go to a bar, telling me not to phone him, he will just do exactly what he wants to do and come back if and when he wants. Things reached new lows and some of the revelations he came up with this time were truly out there - stuff from 20 years ago when we were kids, I have no idea where it comes from - if these were his true emotions wouldn't he feel like this all the time and just leave?
Why is he sometimes so amazing - for weeks or months at a time as well, it's not like he's a manipulative person either, he is genuinely lovely. Right now, this minute I know he truly believes that I am a piece of shit and god forbid if I even look like I am about to cry as this makes things worse. God, is that lovely man even in there????I can tell like feels he is totally justified in everything he says, and so cruelly too, like I've had it coming for years and he's glad to get it out. Just what if I really am the cause of all this? I am really very confused. If I am of course there isn't any point in keeping this going.
Can a psychiatrist help us get to the bottom of all this? I really need to just to see what a third party person, seeing this kind of dynamic between us can make of it. God, this is awful, so "poor me" again. Sorry for ranting, I am just having a bad evening. I am sure things will be better tomorrow. Think I will go to bed with a book and a cup of tea.
Getting the right diagnosis is a challange. Finding & tweeking the right medications is a challange. Getting our loved one into appropriate theraputical or educational environment. Learning how to support them while protecting ourselves or our children.
But these are the things we must learn how to do if we are committed to our relationship with them. And the amount of time this takes can be weeks or years. And the process may repeat itself over & over, while it is often complicated by co-existing diagnoses.
I say this not in discouragement, but because I know you will need to be strong. And I believe understanding what may be required of us makes us stronger.
Love.
Another thing you mentioned that struck a note with me you referenced how if you cried, it made things worse. I used to also experience the same behavior from him. I had to fight tears so many times just to try and keep some peace between us. I was not always successful however. I do believe that therapy would help me learn how to deal with this but Im also spending a lot of finances to get him the help he needs. So therapy for me right now is out of the question. Instead, I work out. Im a runner/triathlete so Im able to redirect a lot into fitness. Sometimes Im able to relate the mental endurance/toughness it takes to run a marathon to how to stay strong for complicated times. It does help sometimes.
Hope that helps some.
Things are a little calmer though this is because I am pretty much avoiding my husband right now. I know that the process for us to get better would be a long one but without any positive input on his side it is very hard. He has grudgingly agreed to see the psychiatrist next week if "it will shut me up" though he will refuse to go if is is very expensive, I have yet to ask the price but I relate on the finances though abbybaby, we are not well off and this will no doubt dig into our savings.
I have this feeling that if we do go he will just be hostile and clam up, I will try, carefully, to steer us to getting the most out of such a visit but I am not confident. I think that taking some notes might help? what do you think?
I have spent today planning a little bit about what would happen if we aren't able to move forward together from here. it is having a very deep impact on me now, the negative comments are pretty constant now and I am really very nervous and on edge at all times. I have backed off completely and am asking nothing at all from my husband and in return he is showing absolutely no interest in me or our kid and is 100% up his own arse - god, it is boring listening to him talk about himself all the time right now!! What a bitch right, still I need to keep a bit of a sense of humour :)
I am going away for the weekend with my daughter and I already know that I will not want to come back. Today I applied for a new job which would give me extra financial security in case we separate and I am running through new scenarios and plans seriously in my head for the first time. This also is giving me the strength to know that i DO have a choice too...
Things don't bode well but I am not giving up yet, if we get some kind of diagnosis and he agrees to starting some medication I will stay forever, if not, or it turns out he is perfectly normal and it's just us together that's toxic then I don't really have a choice but to protect myself and my daughter and make some space between us. Harsh and sad but a reality none the less.
Thanks again for listening. x
Hope you had a good weekend and wishing you luck this week.