My sister still lives with my mum at the moment (moving out real soon). Anyway she rang me yesterday, woke me up. To tell me mum keeps going in late to work and that she has been laughing at nothing (which I told her was a sign of mania starting).

We talked. I felt scared and freaked all day. I rang mum in the afternoon like I always do, she seemed relatively normal. Talked fine. Didn't say anything weird.

This morning my sister rings again. Later in the morning this time, because she remembered that I am on holidays after yesterday's phone call. Tells me mum was late again today. And came in her room and woke her up wanting smokes. And then couldn't seem to find them even though my sister had told he they were in her handbag on the back of her door.

My sister and I spoke and I told her to actually ask mum what's happening with her getting to work late and let her know she has started to do the laughing thing again. That she's needs to do it because I'm not actually there to see all this. Sister said she would and would message me after. (Because I do most of this. My sister just goes along not even really knowing what it means if mum starts acting strange. I dont even live there and I do. Knows barely anything about bipolar only what Ive tried to explain. There are a few books Im going to get her to read).

So spent today being even more scared and freaked out. Talked to mum at usual time. Still seems fine. though I can't actually see her through the phone.

I never got a message from my sister. I thought well she hasnt done it...I went to message her about 7.30pm to ask and then thought no, I'll let it go. But at about 9.30 is started having one of my little anxiety attacks and decided to message and ask. 5 minutes later my sister wrote back Shes fine, I'll ring you tomorrow, dont reply ok.

Now I'm guessing she was asleep but still she wakes me up ALL the time to tell me every little detail when she knows how anxious and upset I get. And her sending me that back had made me freak worse, if she had just said she's fine I would feel ok. But her wanting to ring me tomorrow makes me panic thinking theres something else and she can't be bothered to tell me right now. And I'll get another phone call tomorrow...

The reason I ask if I'm a bad sister and daughter though is I said to my sister today on the phone "now I feel really upset and panicky" and she said do you want me to not tell you this stuff. And I said uuuuummm I don't know. And then we stated talking about something else.

BUT I DON'T WANT HER TOO! but I don't want to actually say that because I don't think that's fair on her.

Is it horrible for me to think Like that.

I just want all this to be over. And it never will be...

You see my sister, nothing much worries her. I freak out real easy and nothing much shakes her. Something happens with mum and I can't function. She can still just go on with her life. She puts her self first and I feel guilty at the thought of it. It just doesn't effect her like it does me.

I feel like I can't get a minutes piece If for some reason I'm not near my phone at the time and there is a missed call from her I feel so scared and panicked till I get back in touch with her. So there's no way to just not answer like I have had some people tell me. the anxiety would kill me.