Is he on meds? Can you give him an ultimatum to get oin meds and get stable? Then you leave for the period that he gets himself stable? Or leave and wait until he comes back to his senses and then ask him to get stable.

Thank you acuriousfish I appreciate your response. No he's not on meds, he won't take them and I will have to do what you suggest, leave until he's well enough to make sense of things and ask him to go see his doctor.

I think that's the best thing to do.

If he's not going to do this I can't see how the situation is going to improve - you need to protect yourself and your children physically and emotionally.

Generally without meds bipolar doesn't improve and there is evidence untreated it gets worse.

I agree with acuriousfish. You must draw your lines. He needs to know there are conditions for your support. Your fiance sounds a lot like my brother and how he treats his wife. It will not get better until you take a stand. God luck. :)

I agree but would put it a little differently. If you accept his refusal to take meds you are, in essence, enabling his improper behavior. He must change his behavior, not only for the sake of you and your babies. He must do so for his own sake. His illness may make it difficult for him to understand this but he has to do it. Sometimes it is necessary for people to go through a crisis or have forced intervention to get them to realize that they need to be on medication. That can be sad and tough, but it is better than suffering a truly horrible catastrophe where he becomes a danger to himself or others. Let him know you care about him, but stay away and protect yourself and your children until he obtains treatment. There are many "normal" bipolar people, but all the ones I know, are on daily meds.

best of luck to you,
--EJ

Thanks everyone for your advice I'm taking it seriously and following your recommendations. I'm very thankful for people like you and your words of wisdom. :-)

mustgoon, the other thing is to make resources available to your brother if he is open to it. sometimes intervention is required of one sort or another. but if he is open to seeing a therapist, attending support group meetings, or even blogging with support groups here on DS, anything might help. Hopefully, he will receive your suggestions in the spirit to which it was intended. If not, then you can cease communications for awhile. it is always tough to help those who refuse to help themselves. I wish you all the luck in the world.

--EJ

Hi there, I am so sorry you are going through this! I recently left my boyfriend of three years for a similar litany of reasons. For the first two and a half years of our relationship, he was undiagnosed. At the beginning, his symptoms were at bay. However, after a concussion the bipolar within became exacerbated rapidly (unbeknownst to anyone). Thinking he had post-concussive disorder, he started having wild mood swings, extreme anger, blackouts with fits of rage, etc. The man I thought was "the one" became a different person in front of my eyes.

He was put on dozens of different psych meds over a two year period, which only made him worse. The general anger he expressed toward other people turned toward me. He'd have manic times of road rage where he could have killed both of us, would not only name call, but put me down, blame me for things out of my control, as well as several other outbursts that put my life and safety at risk. At the time, I wasn't employed full-time and felt trapped. I also love him beyond measure and thought that I could "fix" the issue by being there for him.

A few months ago, he was properly diagnosed as bipolar with intermittent explosive disorder. Started taking the right meds, and it helped somewhat, but wasn't yet at a place where he could manage his disorder. I finally started a new job and was seeing a therapist, both of which empowered me to look at the situation with a fresh set of eyes.

Aside from managing my own depression and anxiety disorders, I realized that I couldn't also be his caretaker no matter how hard I tried. He has to take responsibility for his (extremely unfortunate) disorder, take his meds, learn coping strategies, and seek out help and support for himself. Aside from that, the thought of staying and potentially having children with him knowing what I was in for terrifies me.

I give you so much credit for staying strong for both yourself and your children!! I don't know what it's like to be exactly in your shoes, but I can empathize 100%. Deciding you have to walk away is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. When I made up my mind, I was extremely terrified of his reaction. Fortunately, his reaction wasn't as severe as I imagined. I explained to him that it's not healthy for me to be with him any more. I told him I want to support him, and not abandon him completely, but if I stayed living with him and being his caretaker, we would both eventually 'sink' because I couldn't care for myself in that environment. I felt that by staying, I was enabling him to not get better. He had become truly co-dependent on me to be his therapist (and emotional punching bag).

The night I broke up with him, he almost accidentally overdosed on muscle relaxers. I was home, and had to call 911, his mother, etc and go to the emergency room. I had a panic attack in the ER seeing him so unresponsive. A nurse had to take ME aside and help calm me down. She helped me understand further that no matter what I do, something like that could happen and it's not my fault. He spent the night in the psych ER, and was released the next morning. Fortunately, it was a huge wake-up call for him (and for me). I knew I made the right choice; is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?? No. Is it easy moving forward?? Absolutely not.

I still struggle every day with my choice that's why I'm here :)
I'm on my own, living closer to work and taking baby steps. Every day is a struggle, but I have faith that it will get easier. I'm still in touch with my ex. He is doing much better now that he's been on his medication for a few months, going to therapy and starting to accept his diagnosis. Needless to say, I also struggle with how much contact to keep with him.... He would love for us to get back together, tries convincing me he's fine now, etc., but I do my best to explain to him it's time for us to work on ourselves.

There's no simple answer to "how do I move on," but I hope my experience helps you in some small way. Even though I am sometimes still in agonizing pain over my choice, miss the good parts of our relationship, and question myself whether or not I could ever be back with him, I am 100% rock solid happy I am no longer walking on eggshells every day. I come home to my own apartment where, even though it feels lonely, I don't have to worry if I'm coming home to someone who could potentially hurt me.

I'm here for you!! Stay strong & remember that you have to take care of YOU and your children first. Take care! :)

els1219, thank you for your wonderful and thoughtful post. You have provided many practical insights into the life experiences of living with BPs. There is not always a one size fits all answer, but you have certainly expressed the concerns and feelings that one contemplates.

best wishes,
--EJ

I know these posts are from a few months ago but I came across them while searching Intermittent Explosive Disorder. I just want to say.... I agree with everyone else. With this disorder HE MUST be on med's and he he MUST learn what his triggers are and manage his illness properly. I myself have IED and have struggled with it since I was a child (though at the time I didn't have a name for it). I've had moments in my life when I thought I could manage it without med's but the fact is; it really cannot be managed without med's. IED is violent and unpredictable and it will destroy the individual and everyone around them if not taken care of properly. Be careful! Be safe!