Family & Friends of Bipolar Support Group
This community is dedicated to parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives and friends of someone who is Bipolar. The purpose of this community is to help families and friends develop greater patience and understanding, as well as maintain a positive, caring relationships with those diagnosed as Bipolar.
hi
thank you for your time on reading this .
i'm new to sharing, and really need someone to talk to. you see I've never done anything like this before and reached out for help before, and am petrified. With tears, I am writing to you because it is too much for me take anymore.
I'm just over 40 years old and have lived with my mother my whole life. a miserable life. she is an angry, unreasonable, and contentious woman who is manipulative and leaves me so confused at times.
if she doesn't get her own way - a temper tantrum erupts - and she will continue yelling and repeating herself until she gets what she wants. my life has been rocked by violence - not physical abuse but emotional abuse - with aggressive, violent words, a bad temper (which anything could set her off), yelling, screaming, anger - she is always the one in control. its like walking on eggshells. she continuously blames me that's it my fault that she gets angry, never takes any responsibility, never shows remorse and never, ever apologizes. i don't know if this is bipolar. she is undiagnosed because she absolutely doesn't believe she has any problem.
it has been difficult - financially as well, and we've struggled up until recently. this has made living with her worse. within the last few years, things have turned to a positive and have recently found a good job that pays very well. I told her all about it (in hindsight, maybe shouldn't have) and now am providing her with money each month and trying to save every dollar. my whole life, I've never had any money - no savings to speak of, and was too afraid to leave and be homeless. for the first time in my life, I'm now in a position to help us both (and finally save some money) by working 3 jobs and finally have a say in my life.
Now she is asking for more money (she wants me to spend it all). she also wants to move to another more expensive apartment too with a much higher rent. we only have 3 months remaining on our current lease, yet she insists on leaving now. I'm seriously considering this so that we can finally live separately but haven't told her this yet (too scared). we had lived separately before for 8 glorious months when i returned to school to get my masters degree and lived away on campus - she didn't take that well. any new apartment for her would be a huge financial burden and will cut any possibility of saving any money.
she also keeps threatening to legally go after me and garnish my salary- she says that the government requires adult children to take care of their parents and that she will report me if i don't. legally don't really know if this is true. I have recorded this conversation (and many others too) so they are on the record. she has sued people before because she has owned her own business so she knows what she is doing.
on the one hand, as a Catholic, I feel obligated to take care of her and continuously forgive her because (as she continuously points out) she has taken care of me my whole life - and i owe her. although i've never taken any money from her so i don't owe her anything.
am unsure what to do next.
Please help if you or someone you know can offer some advice.
tks so much
bnu4
thank you for your time on reading this .
i'm new to sharing, and really need someone to talk to. you see I've never done anything like this before and reached out for help before, and am petrified. With tears, I am writing to you because it is too much for me take anymore.
I'm just over 40 years old and have lived with my mother my whole life. a miserable life. she is an angry, unreasonable, and contentious woman who is manipulative and leaves me so confused at times.
if she doesn't get her own way - a temper tantrum erupts - and she will continue yelling and repeating herself until she gets what she wants. my life has been rocked by violence - not physical abuse but emotional abuse - with aggressive, violent words, a bad temper (which anything could set her off), yelling, screaming, anger - she is always the one in control. its like walking on eggshells. she continuously blames me that's it my fault that she gets angry, never takes any responsibility, never shows remorse and never, ever apologizes. i don't know if this is bipolar. she is undiagnosed because she absolutely doesn't believe she has any problem.
it has been difficult - financially as well, and we've struggled up until recently. this has made living with her worse. within the last few years, things have turned to a positive and have recently found a good job that pays very well. I told her all about it (in hindsight, maybe shouldn't have) and now am providing her with money each month and trying to save every dollar. my whole life, I've never had any money - no savings to speak of, and was too afraid to leave and be homeless. for the first time in my life, I'm now in a position to help us both (and finally save some money) by working 3 jobs and finally have a say in my life.
Now she is asking for more money (she wants me to spend it all). she also wants to move to another more expensive apartment too with a much higher rent. we only have 3 months remaining on our current lease, yet she insists on leaving now. I'm seriously considering this so that we can finally live separately but haven't told her this yet (too scared). we had lived separately before for 8 glorious months when i returned to school to get my masters degree and lived away on campus - she didn't take that well. any new apartment for her would be a huge financial burden and will cut any possibility of saving any money.
she also keeps threatening to legally go after me and garnish my salary- she says that the government requires adult children to take care of their parents and that she will report me if i don't. legally don't really know if this is true. I have recorded this conversation (and many others too) so they are on the record. she has sued people before because she has owned her own business so she knows what she is doing.
on the one hand, as a Catholic, I feel obligated to take care of her and continuously forgive her because (as she continuously points out) she has taken care of me my whole life - and i owe her. although i've never taken any money from her so i don't owe her anything.
am unsure what to do next.
Please help if you or someone you know can offer some advice.
tks so much
bnu4
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"she also keeps threatening to legally go after me and garnish my salary- she says that the government requires adult children to take care of their parents and that she will report me if i don't. legally don't really know if this is true"
What country are you in? If it is the UK then it's a no and I think the same for the US.
Not being unkind but I don't quite get how someone who is 40 yrs, someone who is capable of covertly recording conversations but isn't able to easily verify if they are legally responsible for their parent themselves?
Is there a reason why you are still living with her, it sounds very toxic but not an uncommon situation perhaps.
Actually I don't think you have said anything that sounds like bipolar.
Bipolar you would see periods where she is normal, times when she is markedly diffferent, rapid speech, lots of strange ideas, hallucinations and delusions and periods of depression where they can hardly get out of bed.
From what you have said I don't particularly see any disorder - she doesn't sound pleasant but normal people can be perpetually angery and manipulative too.
Many empathic people sabotage themselves by becoming overly enmeshed with and manipulated by sick and destructive people like your mother.
Work on your own autonomy and set firm limits with her. As long as you allow her to dominate you, she will only continue to do so.
.
Your mom sounds a lot like someone I know and he's been diagnosed (by a psychologist) as a narcissist. nothing is ever his fault, he has no responsibilities, only rights. I would high-tail it out of there ASAP.
Do you have siblings? Any other relatives who may be able to help? Not financially, I mean, more emotionally. Is she (mom) also Catholic? Maybe someone at the church can help? Talk to her?
I'm a Christian, and I've struggled with forgiveness at times, but the statement that makes sense to me is it's one thing to forgive someone for doing something, it's something else to allow them to do it again. And again and again and again. So if you put down boundaries and don't allow her to manilpulate and abuse you any more it doesn't mean you haven't forgiven her for what has happened in the past.
HTH!
Once you make the move, there will be an adjustment period, believe it or not you will doubt yourself for moving, stand your ground. Get a one bedroom, so you cannot change your mind. Then get into some kind of group counselling you will need it because believe it or not you will have feelings of guilt.
I live in the US and there are no laws requiring adult children to care for their parents so she cannot take you to court for anything. The only thing that would get you into trouble is elder abuse and that doesn't sound like what you have.
Check laws in your area for clarification...you should be able to do this at your local public library.
Good luck.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It sounds so familiar to the home environment and relationship that I have with my mother. Most of the time I feel like I'm walking on egg shells too. I never know what I'm going to get and I'm also often faced with rediculous requests. The thing that I see that is different about your mother is that you say she is always angry, screaming, yelling- my mother does have periods where she is kind towards me and loving. However- the angry upset periods seem to outweigh the periods where she is in a good mood. As far as being legally obligated to care for her- I don't know that to be a fact. If it were so there wouldn't be a country full of elderly people who suffer from financial problems. I do pray that things get better for you. It sounds like it is time you moved out and got a place of your own but I understand that would be very hard for you to do emotionally.
40 years is an awfully long time to put your own life on hold for another person who doesnt seem to have her own life either.
You may end up doing both of you a tremendous favour by leaving the nest.
take steps, however small, away from this situation, each day because she is not being fair with you. she is being selfish and will try to swallow you up financially and emotionally.