Hi. I have been looking on this SG for awhile and makes me feel better. I have been having a rough patch for a bit now and feel like I need some extra support.
I have been with my bipolar husband for 13 years now. I know he has been not taking care of himself for about a year at least by self medicating, taking his meds on and off, and not seeing the proper doctors. I have been enabling this behavior and I am not proud of this.
A couple months ago, we had some issues where he had me arrested for domestic violence. No hitting, was freaking out and holding me down where I told him he was hurting my arms and when cops came he had a mark on him from me defending myself. I believe he was having some sort of paranoid, hallucination sort of thing because of how things happened that evening. I had been out and got home about 10:30 pm, and when getting ready for bed, woke him up (nicely) to ask if he had taken his meds. He started yelling and threw meds at me, then after I left the room barracaded door with furniture and things. Very odd behavior. I couldn't get a straight answer from him when asking why moving furniture around. Kept telling him to go back to bed, just let me into bedroom to get some things. Came out eventually yelling and freaking out on me, holding me, etc. I told him if he didn't stop I was going to call police, and when he got up he called and made up a bunch of garbage which then led to me getting arrested.
Prior that, his brother had gone to jail (which we had a new girlfriend texting alot for money to coms for him), mothers anni of passing away, a close relative had passed away, another close relative getting sick and passing, and his job is in seasonal stuff so iffy. All of these things along with having me arrested I think set him into a manic state.
When I came home from jail the next day, I had a no contact order which is standard for that I guess. He had taken my vehicle, left no keys for his vehicle, took several hundred dollars out of the bank and charged another 100+ on my credit card causing me to have both cards cancelled, and I couldn't go anywhere.
The following day he came home and had his brother with. Told me to leave (which I had to) so I went to my mom's to stay. I was at first in contact with the bro because we have always gotten along good. We had discussed the day he had me arrested that he wanted to let him come stay so he could get a job and get back on his feet. While talking with the bro, my husband had told him that he didn't want me to be arrested (has a wildly different version of what happened), then that he had the no contact order extended, then was going to a "victim witness" class so the order would be lifted, then that he had a restraining order filed (which he didn't). So after almost 3 weeks at my mom's (with our 2 kids and my son from previous) I contacted a lawyer who informed me that the no contact is only for 72 hours. HA! Wish I would have found that out much earlier, things might be better now.
When I finally did go home, he was out of town at his dads for Thanksgiving and it was just the bro and I for a few days. By this time, this dipstick is acting like it's his house and everything my husband says is golden. I kept trying to explain what I thought was going on, but we can't rock the boat because after all that time, still has no job and living for free in my house. (Which aside from rent, no bills were being paid because they were too busy going to the bar and my husband will use drugs when feeling manic.) Get into an argument with the bro, tell him he can either leave or stay but not drinking in my home. (He has in the past had this same issue when staying places because he can't handle himself. Gets beligerant and self-rightious, starts fights, etc. Which is what happened and why I told him this.) He was ok with that until my husband came home, then back to the drinking again, and not listening. I told him what had happened and he said to let him deal with the bro.
The following day, we actually had a very good discussion where we made alot of headway. My husband was going to quit drinking and take better care of himself, loved me more than anything, wanted to grow old w/me, etc. We made some good plans for change.
For the next 3 days, I had asked him to look through his pills, see what he had and needed. Did not happen. The brother had been staying in the basement whenever I was home, asked my hub, said he told him he had until the weekend to find somewhere else to go. Then my hub comes home with beer again. I asked him why he did that when he said he wasn't going to drink anymore. He just told me he never said that. Then I ask the brother if he had found somewhere to go, "Didn't know I was supposed to" is what I get. I ask my husband about it and he tells me I should leave again.
Now, I had a court date 2 days prior that he didn't go to because he was working (had been missing alot since I had been at my moms and was worried about getting fired), so the judge reinstated the no contact because he didn't go. I had asked him to go to the DA's office that same day because he was done with work before they closed and he wouldn't because he was tired but not to worry because I didn't have to ever leave again. Well that didn't work because when I asked him about the brother he told me to go. (Back to my mom's till court)
Now, when I went back to court, I had enough things with me (pictures and prior history on him) that they dismissed my case entirely. Went to our landlords and had a formal lease written up in just my name (he was aware what was going on) and I went home. I told the brother he had to leave, and my husband went with. But not before telling me how much he dislikes me. When I reminded him that he loved me last week, he just said not really.
It has been 2 weeks since I have talked to him. This is pretty typical for when he gets like this (not the having me arrested thing, I think that just helped him get further gone). Had taken the brother to another relatives house and I have seen him 1 time. He came to get a few things. Now usually when this happens I try talking to him and letting him know that I think he is in a manic phase, and this time, I had his clothes from the bedroom and his bathroom items in the garage packed. And usually I try to call and let him know he needs to get into the doctors. I have not been doing this either. I did speak to him on Christmas and basically what I got then was that he doesn't make me happy and there is really nothing to talk about because nothing matters. I told him when things matter to give me a call.
He is not helping with money as far as bills we have together, or things for the kids. And as far as the kids, he is only talking with our middle one who is mad at me most of the time because she wants to believe everything he says. My oldest he has raised for 13 yrs and our youngest is 9. Telling our friends and kids outrageous and untrue things. He has lost his job at this point. He has changed his address to his dad's house which is where he has been 300 miles away.
I just want it all to stop. I want him to realize what he is doing before things get much worse and much deeper in debt.
I don't know if I should be doing more or just letting him go until he hits bottom. Usually I have alot more control over the situation, which obviously this time I had no choice for a few weeks. I feel if I do call he will just tell me crap I don't want to hear, but will it do him any good to hear what I have to say. Does he think he has done so much bad that there is no fixing at this point?
I think with the him not making me happy thing he is feeling guilty at this point for the way he handled things, but who knows. Even if I ask, he could tell me something and mean something completely different.
Just I guess feel like a lump sitting here waiting for something to happen. Helpless.