Families of SOs Community Group
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Hi everyone. It has been awhile since I wrote a post. Since my last post my husband has finally entered the Main line and is now in Chuckwalla Valley state prison. He is doing well. For what I gather that prison is now being turned into level 2 SNY prison. They are moving all The GP out of there. He has also started going to vocational studies for HVAC system. Which is great considering he never wanted to go to school while he was out. He has also turned himself over to God and has become a more devout Christian than ever. Which I am forever greatful. Religion is a big thing for me. In my eyes, a family that prays together stays together.
On 23-24 October, I finally paid him a visit. This visit was very costly since I had to travel over the Pacific Ocean for a weekend. It finally was great to be able to hug and kiss him. I've missed his touch!! During this visit I was able to ask the hard questions of why? Will ever it happen again? How can we prevent it? And what do you really want? My husband has told me the answers and I am standing by this man. I see that he has made a grave mistake that cost him his family and his is very remorseful. He has opened up to me more than ever. I can see the goodness in his eyes. I have told him in no uncertain terms that if this ever happened again, that I would be the one to put him In jail. He has assured me repeatedly that this will NEVER happen again. And I believe him.
I come back home and my sister who was Watching our kids tell me that her and her husband are enabling me. That I can no longer visit him unless it was a emergency. She said that if comes back into our life and home. That she will call CPS on me and take my girls away from me. I have told her she can take the oldest ( his victim and stepdaughter) but never our daughter. That we had together. She says that I am blinded by love for this mans. That I have taken sides. That I have chosen him over my daughter. Since then I have not talked to my sister and we live in the same house!! Crazy huh??
Today my daughter(the victim) receives a call from her Navy lawyer and basically was told that the state of CA is now informing the state of Hawaii about the incident. Since his lawyer was able to get some charges dropped because they occurred In Hawaii. They now want Hawaii to pick up the dropped charges since they have jurisdiction. Then my daughter tells me that If I allow him to come home that she is leaving. I have told her that I am not choosing sides that if she leaves that it is her decision. I am just trying to support them both. But to don't believe that my daughter, sister, and brother in law, can see that. All they see is my husband bs his crime and nothing more. They do not believe. That this man can change. But I know he has. I can hear it in his voice when I talk to him. I saw it in his eyes when I visited him. People will never understand my position as the mother of the victim and the wife of the perpetrator. They do not understand the decisions I make unless they are in my damn shoes!!!
When will people be able to get past the crime?? When will they stop persecuting us? I am praying that Hawaii will not pick up the charges. Can they do that??
I am so hurt at the moment. That all I want to do is sht down and not talk to people any more and kick my sister and brother out. Why will they not let us move forward?
On 23-24 October, I finally paid him a visit. This visit was very costly since I had to travel over the Pacific Ocean for a weekend. It finally was great to be able to hug and kiss him. I've missed his touch!! During this visit I was able to ask the hard questions of why? Will ever it happen again? How can we prevent it? And what do you really want? My husband has told me the answers and I am standing by this man. I see that he has made a grave mistake that cost him his family and his is very remorseful. He has opened up to me more than ever. I can see the goodness in his eyes. I have told him in no uncertain terms that if this ever happened again, that I would be the one to put him In jail. He has assured me repeatedly that this will NEVER happen again. And I believe him.
I come back home and my sister who was Watching our kids tell me that her and her husband are enabling me. That I can no longer visit him unless it was a emergency. She said that if comes back into our life and home. That she will call CPS on me and take my girls away from me. I have told her she can take the oldest ( his victim and stepdaughter) but never our daughter. That we had together. She says that I am blinded by love for this mans. That I have taken sides. That I have chosen him over my daughter. Since then I have not talked to my sister and we live in the same house!! Crazy huh??
Today my daughter(the victim) receives a call from her Navy lawyer and basically was told that the state of CA is now informing the state of Hawaii about the incident. Since his lawyer was able to get some charges dropped because they occurred In Hawaii. They now want Hawaii to pick up the dropped charges since they have jurisdiction. Then my daughter tells me that If I allow him to come home that she is leaving. I have told her that I am not choosing sides that if she leaves that it is her decision. I am just trying to support them both. But to don't believe that my daughter, sister, and brother in law, can see that. All they see is my husband bs his crime and nothing more. They do not believe. That this man can change. But I know he has. I can hear it in his voice when I talk to him. I saw it in his eyes when I visited him. People will never understand my position as the mother of the victim and the wife of the perpetrator. They do not understand the decisions I make unless they are in my damn shoes!!!
When will people be able to get past the crime?? When will they stop persecuting us? I am praying that Hawaii will not pick up the charges. Can they do that??
I am so hurt at the moment. That all I want to do is sht down and not talk to people any more and kick my sister and brother out. Why will they not let us move forward?
It's not Hawaii picking up the charges, if any molestation occurred in Hawaii they have jurisdiction to prosecute and it is separate from the prosecution in California. If your husband isn't planning on going back to Hawaii I think there may be less of a chance for the state to decide to prosecute because flying him out to Hawaii would be expensive and he is already in prison. The problem would be if and when he gets out he decides to come back to Hawaii when the statute of limitations hasn't ended.
http://www.criminaldefenselawyer.com/criminal-case-statute-of-limitations/HA-felonies-misdemeanors.htm
Hawaii statute of limitations is tricky and I'm not a lawyer, but if I'm reading it correctly the state has 6 years for any class A felony charge. Since he is out of state at the moment there is an additional up to 4 years that can be added on. So 10 years from the time of the crime in Hawaii. However the statute doesn't run in your daughter is still under 18. So I would assume that it's 10 years from the date of the crime in Hawaii or until your daughter is 28. It's worth getting with a lawyer to ask the question.
Personally:
This won't be a popular opinion, but I have been through this as an offender of a contact crime while most who will respond haven't. I was a young teenager when I committed my crime but was charged as an adult.
I think your husband needs to understand that he thinks he won't commit another crime right now, but not offending again is a process. I saw many people say, "I'm a Christian I don't need therapy, I'm a new creation in Christ." And yes I agree you are a new creation, but that doesn't mean you won't sin again and the sin of sexual abuse causes so much pain! It's certainly no excuse to not go to therapy and learn your offending cycle and find ways to make sure it never happens again! My answer to those folks is, "you don't think God can use your therapy for his purposes?" I think God used my therapy as a time of understanding and healing.
The biggest thing to understand is that restoration, like not offending again, is also a process. It doesn't come overnight like the forgiveness that God freely offers. Things will never be the same because of what your husband did. He has lost the right to have the benefit of the doubt now. He shouldn't be trusted alone with an underage girl. And your daughter may never be able to forgive your husband. That's between her and God. Your husband has to be okay with all of this. It doesn't mean he is any less forgiven or is not a new creation.
Unfortunately you are stuck in the middle. There is a reason Jesus said, "blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God." And honestly there is nothing that YOU can do except pray that God will make a way. I'm so sorry you are in the situation you are in.
-independent
Maybe you need to remind her of marriage vows before God that they took too. "...For better for worse..." Yes this is the "worse" part. She can not tell you any more what she would do than if she was in the same situation. Sounds like she would handle things differently. That's okay. You are choosing to do what most people would run away from.
Remember, and I am sure and hope that your hubby knows this too. He's going to have to earn your trust back even after he gets out. I am still learning what it means to earn trust. My best friend that has stuck with me through all of this bought some tickets from me back in Feb and still has to send me money. He said that he sent a check but after finding out that he sent one I told him that I never received anything.
He said, "When you get the other check don't cash that one too." Right at the point he said that I was hurt.
He knows (but probably had forgotten) that I paid my former roommate back $3,000.00 for miscellaneous things that happened as a result of my arrest. I then told my friend, "Don't worry I won't." "I even have a shredder if you just want me to do that." He said, "Okay."
I still have it in my mind that if I do get an extra check I am going to mail it back to him Certified Mail so that way he knows he can trust me in the future.
Would he ever question me again? He probably will. But I have to stay consistent in order for that trust to be built back.
I don't know if that will happen in my lifetime or not. If it doesn't then heaven won't keep it against me once I leave.
That doesn't mean that myself or others here and everywhere are doing their best to stay 100% consistent in everything and show them that they are wrong and the few should not influence the whole.
Talk with your daughter, see if she has any need she feels is unmet, that makes her feel like she isn't supported by you (and she can't use that you are supporting her dad as one).
People can and do change. You have seen it, I've seen it, all of us have seen it, or were the ones who proved it.
I know exactly what you are experiencing with your family. I have a sister, her husband, my brother, and mom who have told me that I will go into the depths of hell if I stayed with my husband, who is serving time for CP, a no contact offense. They have all forbidden him from their homes and interaction with children, even with me around!!!
None of them really respect the decision that I have made and disagree with my choices. Therefore, I keep a distance from them and I pray for them daily.
Unfortunately, there is nothing more that you can do in regards to your family's feelings. As for your daughter who is the victim, she should be in counseling to deal with the trauma of her experience. I'm sure you know that. As for your siblings-respect their opinions and don't let them influence yours. Stand In your own truth and if you know in your heart of hearts that you are doing the right thing, then take ownership of it and stand strong. .
It's true that a stable marriage can and does reduce recidivism. You are not enabling your husband by remaining married to him-he can still be held accountable. I want to strongly encourage you to get counseling and then when he is released, seek marriage and family counseling so that you two can work on rebuilding trust between each other. My husband and I did this for the two years before he starting serving out his sentence after a plea deal, and we are stronger now than before he was arrested. I have no regrets.
I lift you and your family up in prayer-take care sister!
Hope this helps.
Do what you think is right, they are your decisions to make and difficult ones too. Hold your head up high!
My prayers are with you.
I wish you all the best in the world, I really hope it works out for you.I guess I am one of the lucky ones, I still have my family, some friends even though I destroyed the trust of many by my actions those many years ago. My life is good now , it could be better if I was off the registry but I have learned to live with it for now. Most people do better when they have the support of family or friends, a job, decent housing, etc. I guess depending on the nature of the crime some people cannot forgive, my thought would be if you have forgiven your husband that is a start, the family may never accept him back and all you can do is move forward with the life you have. I know in some of the groups I help mentor the men and women in them go through highs and lows which sometimes seems every month. The more stable ones have support, some are off probation or parole so do not have that to worry about each day. I hope you find the peace you need.
Regards
buildingupslow