Families of SOs Community Group
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I have been so torn and devastated. I know that everyone around me would tell me to run and run fast, but for some reason I find it so hard to leave. I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 months and things had started getting serious. He had confessed very early on before we were exclusive that he currently struggles with a porn and sex addiction. He has had multiple partners before which has been a difficult pill to swallow since living a virtuous life is very big in our religion. Turns out that only a year ago he had forced himself on a woman. We'll be talking about it in greater depth tonight together, but the overall idea is that he felt it was consensual and she clearly did not since charges were pressed. He said that he even called her the next day because he wanted to talk about what happened and apologize for being so forward. Instead of fighting the charge however he took the plea deal because he was scared. Which is understandable. However I also have a hard time thinking that she made it up because very few cases of sexual assault are reported. He told that I could read the police report whenever I wanted and has it available for me. All of this I found out because he told me, and he hasn't hidden anything from me. He's been sober from his addictions for 42 days now, is going to group therapy, meeting with a therapist, and his church leader. He shares with me the notes and insights he gets from these meetings, and I feel like I can be myself without any fear of judgement from him. Right now, it's simply a question of do we take a break or do we break up? I know that right now however I need to take a step back from us. I believe that people can change, but when is it going to be too much? And what about my future family and kids? Any advice and insight would be appreciated.
Whether or not you believe the girl that accused him or not, you know yourself that it takes two to tango, that some women are not clear when they protest and men do not read minds. I recall in my youth young women and girls regretting their choices the following day and discussing just saying that someone 'raped' them or whatever. I have seen them lie about who they slept with for social status as well, so the same would apply for those that want to avoid tarnishing their social standing as well. Either way, I have seen enough of my own gender lie, cheat and steal to not believe them beyond a shadow of a doubt. The female gender can be very cruel to those around them.
Sounds to me like his conviction has many more layers to it, that there is probably fault on both his and that girl's side and that he has learned in the worst way possible these hard lessons of life. Being addicted to porn, in my opinion, is a minor thing in the grand scheme of things. It would seem better than a drunk, druggie or a woman beater or verbal abuser. I am not trying to minimize an addiction, but I am trying to bring perspective to the crimes that obviously concern you because you are considering leaving a relationship that you also seem to cherish.
You can still have a family and children in your future. You can still grow in your career and make new friends. But if you really care for this person and you have trouble picturing a life without them? It would then appear that you don't want to take any breaks from them. It would appear to me that he is doing everything he can do to make amends, learn new habits and move forward in life, which are all good things.
Finally, the hard questions, does he make you happy? Does he make you laugh when sometimes you'd rather cry? Does he support you on your bad days and support you on the good one too? Do you think he would make a great dad? Can you see yourself sitting on the front porch with him in your 80s giggling at the people walking by? Then when you are done asking yourself those questions, think about whether you fulfill those same things for him too. After all of that, you won't need to ask anymore questions, you'll just know the answers you seek.
I say whatever you do, ask him any and all questions you have. Obtain whatever information he has to read over. This way you can get a complete picture of what happened. Can you see that he is in denial about his charge, or can you see that it's a clear case of regret sex? Then, look at the relationship between you two. Do you trust him? It's clear he isn't hiding anything, he has been upfront and honest about every aspect, and even said he was willing to share the documents, and answer your questions.
At the end of the day, can you handle being in a relationship with someone with the SO label? Can you look past his past and see who he is today, or only what he pled guilty to? Is this someone you see a future with?
These are questions only you can answer. Only you can decide if it's good for you to stay or to leave. If you can't handle this life, then be fair to him, you should be honest about your feelings. If you can get past his conviction and label and see a real future with him, then give it a chance.
I know this may not be the answer you are looking for, but it's an answer you need to hear.