Welcome to this group, Cindy! You're in the right place. We have a lot of very nice people here who will help you through this ordeal.

I have two adult sons in prison with very long sentences. They are in two different states, so I have to travel a long distance to visit either one of them.

You're correct that things will never be the same again. However, I have to believe that there is a higher purpose for the way things have turned out for my sons and me. I have the same worries you have about when my sons do get out of prison...except I have those worries times two! Where will they live, where will they work, etc? How in the world can I, a 66-yr-old retired woman possibly help them with the steep costs of being on lifetime parole and sex offender treatment? I don't know, but I'm trusting God to give me what I need when I need it, just like He has always done.

I can also tell you that I have already experienced silver linings to these dark clouds. My oldest son, who hasn't even gone through SO treatment yet, has been getting his own form of treatment that I believe God is administering. My son was raised in the church, but he claims to be an atheist now. Since I'm a believer, that makes certain things about our relationship rather strained, but we're very respectful of each other's beliefs and don't try to push our beliefs on each other.

This son shared with me two poems that he wrote in recent weeks. He has given me permission to share his writings on this forum, so I'll put them in a separate posting in a minute. But for now, I also want to tell you about my second son and his spiritual journey since being in prison.

My second son is a confessing Christian and has been studying the Bible and the Hebrew language, since being inside. He has more time to do those things than he ever would on the outside. He has been so excited with what he's learning and figuring out about the Book of Revelation that he's stared writing a book about it.

It's fascinating to listen to him talk about his studies and the revelations he's received about the Book of Revelation. I'm really looking forward to helping him write his book. He doesn't have access to a typewriter or a computer, so he's doing everything in pencil on paper. When he's ready, he'll most likely start sending me his handwritten notes and I'll type them into my computer and print the pages and send them back to him for proofreading.

This whole process deepens my relationship with my son in a way that could never happen, if he were on the outside. When I visit him, I have his undivided attention and he has mine. There are no distractions from cell phones, TVs, radios, or the obligations of everyday life. The only distractions are bathroom breaks and getting food out of the vending machines.

I've gotten to know him in a way I never would, if he weren't in prison and I love every minute of it. He calls me twice a week and thanks me profusely for all I do to support him. I put money on his commissary account, buy him magazine subscriptions, and send him printed news articles related to his interests. I do this for both my sons. It get's expensive.

I’ll post the poems by my oldest son in the next post.

Here's poem #1...

I walked outside this morning, and was struck by how vivid is the sunshine,
and above the gusty wind a bird was singing in the deepening green field.
It was a lone robin, his proud crimson chest echoing his call.
For a minute I couldn't help but be still and take in the unexpected beauty...
the sparkling sand and the echoes of Spring around me.
I have passed these things a hundred times so far,
and couldn't notice them beyond my grumbling heart.
But today, the threads of grass and the air's unquenchable life
inspired me, my friend, to share this bud of love
that I found inside, with you.

Here's poem #2...

If There Were No Laws...

I would treat others kindly.
Still.

I would be polite and respectful.
Still.

I would take deliberate steps to ensure that everyone in my life -- young, old, strong, weak, big, small -- were not harmed by my decisios or my actions.
Still.

I would go out of my way to show basic human decency to those who have been mistreated by others.
Still.

I would analyze my actions to see how they inadvertently may have offended someone, and never take those actions again.
Still.

I would pay attention to the interactions of others and notice the outcomes, positive and negative, and set the course of my life toward increasing the positives from my own interactions.
Still.

Thank you so much for the response. I am sorry about your sona. That's wonderful you keep in such good contact with them. I wish I could say the same about my Dad. I am horrible about writing and he is always patient and never gr rd upset, although I know it hurts him I don't write him more often. It's not that I don't think about him everyday. I do and it weighs heavily on my concious. But all I can do is start from today. I love the poems your son wrote. I used to write a lot of poems in my younger years. I sure wish I would have found this group years ago. I have always felt in a situation all of my own because so many people have been affected by sexual abuse but they don't realize they aren't the only victims. Even among other Christians many times people can be cold and unforgiving towards sex offenders. And many times they judge us for loving them I feel. It's nice to know there are others in my position that understand and can relate.

Cindy don't beat yourself up. One thing you can do to send your dad a smile is buy a stack of cheap cards and mail them once a week. You don't have to write much, just send something funny, he will appreciate that. Really your dad may have suffered abuse as a child and it came out in his viewing of the garbage. If you ever get a chance to talk to him, maybe you can find out. His being in his sixties, he will draw social security so he should be able to survive and maybe get a part time job on the side. Most mom and pops don't do background checks. And depending on where he is released to, a lot of people may never find out about him. Don't worry about those who judge, just ignore them and move on. There are churches out there that are non judgmental, you will find them. Sometimes when he gets home, the local sheriffs dept for tell him of the local chaplin will. My families life will never be the same again, but we just have to move on and we refuse to desert someone we have loved for 35 years. They made a mistake, will never do it again and the chips will fall where they may. God has a reason, and it was for his soul. Take care of yourself.

You want to know how God can use this for good? I can say my husband was an agnostic but when I choose to stay by his side he looked to God. He has been studying anything he can get his hands on to learn more about God. He had led others to Christ as well, including his family.

Sometimes we may not always see the reasons but over time you can see how being exposed to all of this has changed your views. I know it has changed mine. I was very judgemental person before all of this started (though I didn't think so at the time). And God placed several people into my life where I am helping them through this journey. It's not a life any of us ever wished, but it has certainly opened our eyes to the injustice of this world. That has helped me to be an advocate for change.

Great post, ThoughtAsWeak. Thanks so much for sharing. I'm encouraged.

Thanks for the encouragement and responses. And that's great your husband is now a believer because of your unconditional love. yeah speaking of judgment, the last person who spoke evil of my Dad to me is now looking at doing 8 yrs for felony injury to a child. That's why I try and take what people say with a grain of salt because many of them are no better I've noticed. We all make mistakes and have our vices. Nobody is above falling. The important thing is to get back up and try again. Thankfully my Dad does keep a positive attitude about starting over too.