Corvus, don't hate yourself.

You didn't hurt anyone. Those who made those things hurt them.

I am a victim of those pictures, and please do not hate yourself. You are not a bad person. You are not evil. You are human.

Your life will be more complicated yes, but you are still human just like everyone on this planet.

We are all in this together and we are here for one another.

KnowNot: The bitter irony here is that I also had pictures taken of me, as a child, by the man who molested me. The pictures he took were not painful so I didn't think anything of it. When he molested me, it didn't hurt so I didn't think anything was wrong. It wasn't until someone else told me what he was doing was wrong that I said something.

My point is, I was one of those kids, how could I be bored and curious?

I don't know. All I know is, even with the blessings I have of friends and family that live and support me, I don't feel worthy of it.

I just feel worthless.

I'm sending you a message :)

You are not worthless, you are human. We all make errors in judgement, we all make mistakes, none of us are perfect. Yes, your life is about to become more complicated, the road you are on is not an easy road, but you can get through it. We are here if you need us.

Corvus, I can relate to much of what you say. I was never molested, but I find myself battling demons in times of boredom and anxiety...and I often feel unworthy, thoroughly beaten. Those thoughts are intermingled with moments of hopefulness. I have had words of a poem running through my mind for some time. Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote the poem, "Who Am I?" shortly before he was executed in a German concentration camp in 1945. I find the words challenging, yet comforting.

Who am I? They often tell me,
I come out of my cell
Calmly, cheerfully, resolutely,
Like a lord from his palace.

Who am I? They often tell me,
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me,
I carried the days of misfortune
Equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one who is used to winning.

Am I really then what others say of me?
Or am I only what I know of myself?
Restless, melancholic, and ill, like a caged bird,
Struggling for breath, as if hands clasped my throat,
Hungry for colors, for flowers, for the songs of birds,
Thirsty for friendly words and human kindness,
Shaking with anger at fate and at the smallest sickness,
Trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Tired and empty at praying, at thinking, at doing,
Drained and ready to say goodbye to it all.

Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and another tomorrow?
Am I both at once? In front of others, a hypocrite,
And to myself a contemptible, fretting weakling?
Or is something still in me like a battered army,
running in disorder from a victory already achieved?

Who am I? These lonely questions mock me.
Whoever I am, You know me, I am yours, O God.

Feeing worthless and being worthless are two differant things. I felt worthless as a child. My dad was very mean to me. Even as an adult i never felt accepted. I blamed my dad.

I decided one day that i was done and i was going to work at accepting myself.

I would close my eyes and see myself as a child. I would say to myself how important i was. I would hug myself. I gave myself what i felt i didnt get from my dad.

And then i realized my dad really loved me but didnt know how to show it. I forgave him and myself. He did the best he could.

And now he is my best friend. I love him dearly. It just took alot of work on my part to accept myself. And once i did it was like heaven.

Forvive yourself. Love yourself. Envision you as a child and give yourself the love you deserve. Your mind is very powerful. You can do this.

Corvus,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It is very understandable. You didn't think you were hurting anybody, and clearly you weren't. With child porn, you have to go back down the line a few steps before you get to the people who are hurting. As you said, your own experience led you to believe that it was not such a bad thing! No wonder you feel so bad. You had no idea others felt this way.

Now, of course, you are in a very difficult situation. We are here to support you. We have all been through something at least similar to what you are going through.

The way our society treats people who have viewed child pornography is very wrong-headed. There should be education, supervision, maybe even community service, but not the severe punishment that many get.

I hope and pray that the judgment you fear facing is enlightened and sees through this mess.

We care about you. Please keep writing.

Corvus, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's okay to feel these emotions, they are normal feelings. It will take time to work through all of this. Not an easy road ahead of you, but you are very lucky to have supportive family and friends so try to focus on that. They see in you what you don't see right now, that you are worthy of love. Now YOU have to start believing it.

Just a theory, but maybe your curiosity stemmed from you trying to make sense of what happened to you as a child? You were too young to understand, but just maybe it had more of an effect on you than you realize. It would be very helpful for you to talk to a therapist and explore your past and perhaps it would help you to understand your actions. You say bored and curious and that may be part of it. The other reason you were "curious" may be deep rooted since you said you were molested as a child. In any case, many people on this site can relate to what you are going through, so never feel like you are alone. Keep sharing your feelings and if you have any questions, people on this site are very helpful. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Corvus, I don't know if you are a person of faith, but I wanted to share this with you.

I have visited people in prison (I volunteer). One man told me that he was told that his actions were unforgivable (I believe it was a sex crime, but won't ask, I'll let them tell me if they so choose). I told this to him:

The bible tells us that NONE of us deserve forgiveness, that NONE of us are righteous. However, forgiveness is freely given to those who ask.

The bible is filled with people who did terrible things, yet God forgave and used them to reach others.

Forgive yourself, and allow God to forgive you. It will lift a weight off you that you never realized how burdensome it was to carry.

My husband abused our daughter, and although it was hard to forgive in the beginning, our family has been able to forgive and work with him to give him the help and support he needs. He now realizes that he had an addiction, and wants help to avoid those pitfalls again.

You were bored once; you can help avoid those pitfalls by having such sites blocked to prevent you from even entertaining the idea to visit.

You didn't harm anyone in the photos. The person who created them were the ones that abused and hurt them.

I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for the kind words and thoughts. I have to say I never expected so many people to respond to me and what I had to say.

Several of you took the time to even reach out to me privately and I am humbled.

Thank you so much, all of you! I am going to post a follow up to this post, as suggested my Rew, to give you all a more clear idea of who I am, my situation and the effect that your kindness has had on me.

Once again, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!

Congratulations, you are now a new member of the Rew Fan Club. Membership is free, too (lol)