Families of SOs Community Group
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Okay everyone, I need some advice.
I'm currently with my boyfriend, who has a year and a half left to go in prison. His crime was not a violent one, and his therapists in the prison agree that he is not a danger to children in the least - his crime was an act of immaturity more than anything. In spite of that, he will still be a sex offender when he comes home.
I'm asking those of you that are currently in a relationship with a sex offender - do you ever regret your decision to stay? I know it's different for those who were married to an SO before they were imprisoned - that's a lifelong commitment that is vastly different than a couple who is merely dating when a partner is imprisoned.
I love my boyfriend with all of my heart. He's taking advantage of all of the therapy in the prison, he's becoming a better person, and I know he's going to come home and turn his life around. He has his faults, as we all do - right now his low self esteem is leading to jealousy and feelings of inadequacy that are putting a strain on our relationship. We're still trying to make it work, regardless.
However, I'm a very logical person. I think things through and look at the facts, most of the time ignoring my feelings. I've, until recently, been totally focused on maintaining a relationship with this man, and working through his low-self esteem. I haven't had time to really consider what being with him entails - until now.
I'm beginning to get scared. I'm scared of what I am subjecting myself to, by remaining with him. I want a family - the one thing I've ever wanted in life is to be a mother. With him, that may not be able to happen, and if it does it will be incredibly difficult. Even living with him will be hard if he's put on the NJDOC website. Getting married is a possibility, but taking his last name is not. I'm going to have to sacrifice a lot of my life goals in order to be with him.
I'm NOT saying that sex offenders are undeserving of love - if there is anybody that deserves love, my boyfriend is it. He's a kind, loving man who made some stupid decisions as a young man. But my concern becomes that what I want in life may not be compatible with what he is capable of giving me.
So, to those significant others of sex offenders - what makes you stay?
I'm currently with my boyfriend, who has a year and a half left to go in prison. His crime was not a violent one, and his therapists in the prison agree that he is not a danger to children in the least - his crime was an act of immaturity more than anything. In spite of that, he will still be a sex offender when he comes home.
I'm asking those of you that are currently in a relationship with a sex offender - do you ever regret your decision to stay? I know it's different for those who were married to an SO before they were imprisoned - that's a lifelong commitment that is vastly different than a couple who is merely dating when a partner is imprisoned.
I love my boyfriend with all of my heart. He's taking advantage of all of the therapy in the prison, he's becoming a better person, and I know he's going to come home and turn his life around. He has his faults, as we all do - right now his low self esteem is leading to jealousy and feelings of inadequacy that are putting a strain on our relationship. We're still trying to make it work, regardless.
However, I'm a very logical person. I think things through and look at the facts, most of the time ignoring my feelings. I've, until recently, been totally focused on maintaining a relationship with this man, and working through his low-self esteem. I haven't had time to really consider what being with him entails - until now.
I'm beginning to get scared. I'm scared of what I am subjecting myself to, by remaining with him. I want a family - the one thing I've ever wanted in life is to be a mother. With him, that may not be able to happen, and if it does it will be incredibly difficult. Even living with him will be hard if he's put on the NJDOC website. Getting married is a possibility, but taking his last name is not. I'm going to have to sacrifice a lot of my life goals in order to be with him.
I'm NOT saying that sex offenders are undeserving of love - if there is anybody that deserves love, my boyfriend is it. He's a kind, loving man who made some stupid decisions as a young man. But my concern becomes that what I want in life may not be compatible with what he is capable of giving me.
So, to those significant others of sex offenders - what makes you stay?
Our relationship has improved so much since then. Even when he was sentensed to several decades, I still wanted to stay. If he is able to get his sentence, and come home, I am willing to endure whatever we have to face being on the registry.
I don't know what your boyfriends status will be when he gets out, but my fiance is on probation. Quite simply, it sucks. We are financially stressed a lot because of him not being able to get a decent job due to his record. He has a fairly good one now, but it is still hard. He came by this job through a stroke of luck. He spends a considerable amount on weekly group fees and probation fees. Plus all the other various tests and polygraphs. Finding a place to live was very hard. Most of the time the places we had found would be rented out by the time his PO approved it, or it was 2 feet to close to a park or something else.
Not only does he have to deal with group and probation, but I have to as well. My life and past has been in question several times. I don't know if your state has a chaperone program, but mine does and I had to go through that. So, if something comes into question I have to answer for it. I get to answer the door when probation does a check up and sign a paper stating that he still lives here. Half the time I feel like I am a babysitter because I am constantly looking over my shoulder when we go to the store or anywhere because I have protect the public from him and make sure I know what's going on in case something happens because I will be called to verify things. If my fiance messes up I am called in to question as well.
We can't go for walks in the park, or the beach. We can't just up and go to the movies for a date night. We can't do a lot of things normal couples do. PDA is a big no no past holding hands. We have to assume everyone knows what he is. We can't just be normal.
As for the children issue, it really depends on your state. I am unable to have children, so that is never an issue. I know if we did have kids, my fiance would have to be left out of a lot of their life. I would have to do the bathing, diaper changing, potty training. He would not be allowed to discipline them. I would have to do a majority of their school functions.
My fiance's offense is CP, so his computer and smart phone have to have filtering/monitoring software on them, as do all the sex offenders in my county. My computer and phone and anything else that can connect to the internet have to have passwords on them and I have to change them often so he can't access them.
I love him dearly, but these are the things on my mind constantly. I do regret being with him sometimes. I have thought of walking away. Sometimes it is too much to handle. I love him though. I love him so much. I love how hard he works. I love how much he wants to make things right. How determined he is. How smart he is.
There is a lot to consider. It is not easy. You really need to decide if he is worth it. He has low self-esteem. It's going to hit him really hard when he gets out. My fiance went through therapy in jail as well, but when he got out he tried to kill himself after a year. I'm not saying that is what your boyfriend will do, but he was so pissed off at how things are when he got out. I know he was more mad at himself, but living with this is hard.
I know my post was mainly negative, my fiance has a lot of positives. I just dislike all the crap I have to put up with.
I chose to stay because, although we aren't married, our families consider us married, and I truly believe in marriage is a life-long commitment. You love them for their greatness and their faults, and they should feel the same way about you. (Mind you, had he been abusive, all bets would be off!)
Again, thats just my two cents and I've not faced the fire of him being out of prison yet... but I know I will endure for him.