Families of SOs Community Group
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Today I went to counseling, and I left feeling very depressed. The counselor explained that my bf's inability to refrain from looking at CP for several years is indicative of an impairment to his ability to make good judgments. I was angered by this, and it made me emotional...it is as if because an individual makes bad decisions at one point in their life, they are doomed to make bad decisions for the rest of their life. Any opinions on this? I told my bf about it...and comments like this make it seem like he is messed up and there is nothing he can do about it. I asked him if he believed this to be true, and he said no - there is something he can do about it (I'm so proud of him). And he is taking the necessary steps to do this! I believe there is something he can do about it, too.
The way I see it, everyone is messed up to some degree...nobody is perfect. I just can't help, but believe that nothing is impossible. I have seen two therapists that have said he is the way he is, and he will never change. Then I attend therapy sessions with my bf and his therapist, and it is a totally different perspective. He is empowering my bf with tools and discussion that enable him to be the person he wants to be, and was made to be, and to rehabilitate. I wish I could find a therapist with this mindset. Any tips on finding a good therapist for support?
Am I missing something? I know all the details of my bf's CP experience...I know that he will be on the registry for 10 years...I know that some people we know and love will find out, and we may lose their friendship...I know that even family members may walk out on us...but my love for him overthrows all of this. I just believe that going through this with him will be worth it. I've known him my whole life practically, and our relationship is the strongest one I've ever had. This obstacle...mountain if you will...just doesn't seem insurmountable. There is so much more to life than this...and I really want to go through life with him...he has the same mindset I do, that nothing is impossible.
We were talking today...reflecting on the type of people we want to be known as by our children, family, grandchildren, etc...what we want our legacies to be...I believe that by considering your vision for your life, you can live in the present working towards that vision...someday this could be behind us...right now we are just passing through the door it seems...but nothing is impossible. We are both still living, so therefore we have a purpose...just because he made a mistake once and gets "quarantined' from society does not mean that his life is now purposeless. He is MY best friend and greatest supporter. There's one purpose!
Do any of you have examples where, during the probation/registry time, you found purpose in your lives? I can't stand the attitude that says, "This person is now marked as a deviant for life - keep away." It is not humane, nor true. My boyfriend has purpose, I believe it, and I'm going to tell him that whenever I think of it...our loved ones going through this need our support and encouragement.
Please share any examples of purpose in your life! Or any thoughts of inspiration - NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE! WE CAN DO THIS! OUR LOVED ONES CAN GET THROUGH THIS, TOO!
The way I see it, everyone is messed up to some degree...nobody is perfect. I just can't help, but believe that nothing is impossible. I have seen two therapists that have said he is the way he is, and he will never change. Then I attend therapy sessions with my bf and his therapist, and it is a totally different perspective. He is empowering my bf with tools and discussion that enable him to be the person he wants to be, and was made to be, and to rehabilitate. I wish I could find a therapist with this mindset. Any tips on finding a good therapist for support?
Am I missing something? I know all the details of my bf's CP experience...I know that he will be on the registry for 10 years...I know that some people we know and love will find out, and we may lose their friendship...I know that even family members may walk out on us...but my love for him overthrows all of this. I just believe that going through this with him will be worth it. I've known him my whole life practically, and our relationship is the strongest one I've ever had. This obstacle...mountain if you will...just doesn't seem insurmountable. There is so much more to life than this...and I really want to go through life with him...he has the same mindset I do, that nothing is impossible.
We were talking today...reflecting on the type of people we want to be known as by our children, family, grandchildren, etc...what we want our legacies to be...I believe that by considering your vision for your life, you can live in the present working towards that vision...someday this could be behind us...right now we are just passing through the door it seems...but nothing is impossible. We are both still living, so therefore we have a purpose...just because he made a mistake once and gets "quarantined' from society does not mean that his life is now purposeless. He is MY best friend and greatest supporter. There's one purpose!
Do any of you have examples where, during the probation/registry time, you found purpose in your lives? I can't stand the attitude that says, "This person is now marked as a deviant for life - keep away." It is not humane, nor true. My boyfriend has purpose, I believe it, and I'm going to tell him that whenever I think of it...our loved ones going through this need our support and encouragement.
Please share any examples of purpose in your life! Or any thoughts of inspiration - NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE! WE CAN DO THIS! OUR LOVED ONES CAN GET THROUGH THIS, TOO!
It has been 17 years. Yes, everyday is still a battle. Not in fighting urges, and what the public says in that we all can never change.. but in not thinking of how much damage I did and how I hurt everyone that I thought I loved, and that society will always be afraid now after 17 years and after 50 years.. is it right, no but it is a reality that I face daily.. All bad, no, it keeps me ware and honest. I always am aware of where I am and who is around me because all it takes is a "he tried this" from someone that just, to say it bluntly, wants you out of society.
Purpose:
1) Have and build a life for myself. Hard at times and there are many times that tossing in the towel has looked great.. but that is not what course I set 17 years ago.
2) Continue consoling - dealing with the ups and downs of everything that we, RSO, face on a day to day
3) Work hard at my job. Like a fired told me, we need to be the best, not just good, to prove that we deserve the job and they need us.
4) Set real weekly goals that you can do and then slap yourself on the back when you reach them.
5) Last, and this is hard at times, try to have fun at times. To live, get away, etc...
6) Go back to 1.
I all this there is now hope, faith and a sense of drive to get tot he next level in them all....
Good luck. I have things falling in place that I never could have imagine after the past, 8 yrs in jail etc... It has not been easy and still is not but I wake up everyday. Thank God for the chance and then... go back to #1 above..
Hope this helps
He wants to change, he really really does. He's taken numerous steps over the past year to address his problems. But I recently discovered that he's still using adult porn, and crucially, had lied about it to me. We can't live together, but a long time ago, he asked me to set up monitoring software. He'd bypassed it, plus allowed me to believe it was still operational...While there's nothing wrong with adult porn, there is for him...it's a sliding scale to illegal stuff.
He's been much more honest recently, and has told me when he's slipped. But I fear for his ability to break this addiction, which ultimately puts him at risk for reoffending.
We've had v similar conversations about the future too. I told him that I want him to find something positive that the kids can be proud of in the future. But again, I worry about his ability to pull himself out of the hole he's in. His self esteem is v v low & his confidence is shot. I really hope this will recover, given time. But it really is an 'only time will tell' atm.
Last night my brother asked me if I was afraid this would interfere with my career, and I didn't really know what to tell him. I'm a Registered Dietitian, and I give talks and presentations to community centers where I live - I'm trying to get a nutrition counseling business started as well. I do think about this a lot. Mostly from the standpoint that it will be hard for my bf to find a job he enjoys, and I want to try and make as much money as I can to help us. I was thinking of coming up with a few steps like 3hopeful1415 did to help me mentally separate my career from my bf's status. It helps right now that we don't have the same last name, and I have a very good reputation at my respective community locations. I don't want my career to be my life, but I want to use it to help people where I can and to support us. I guess if I go into it with that in mind...and keep him separate from it - keep it strictly business - I will be able to do that, and prevent it from failing due to his status. Any thoughts or experiences on this?