Families of SOs Community Group
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My husband is an RSO. He spent over a decade in prison for sexually abusing a child, something that he always denied. I met him a few years ago and he told me what he was in prison for but assured me that although he was high on drugs he didn't do it.
Well, recently he finally told me the whole story, that he got high and sexually molested the girl. This time I could tell he was finally telling me the whole truth. He said that he didn't want to tell me because he thought I would think he was a monster. I told him I understand that people who do drugs do and say many things that they wouldn't normally do.
However, he himself was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused as a kid by family members, and I am trying to get him to see that seeing a psychiatrist for his bipolar disorder is good but it's not enough, that he also needs to see a psychologist. His psychiatrist said the same thing. It is very painful for him to talk about what happened either when he was a victim or a perpetrator in this instance and I know that I as his wife am not enough.
I'm trying my best to be understanding since I know he has had an extreme few decades on this earth, but I feel like he's just existing now and not really living. He hasn't done drugs in years, by the way. I get the feeling that he's stuck, unable to move forward by setting and meeting goals because he hasn't ever moved passed any of this.
He can't even talk to me about anything in specific terms, and he says that talking to a psychologist (he saw one briefly in the past) is exhausting because it drums up bad feelings, but I know it's only exhausting for him because he never got help as a child when he was violated and is now a full grown adult just now seeking treatment.
Not only that, but my feelings are hurt because he never trusted me with the truth. I feel like he should have given me a fair chance to decide if I wanted to be with him or not given the truth of his past. Probably I would have been understanding because of the role that drugs played, but I don't know. It's hard to tell since I want given that opportunity. I also find myself wondering what else he's hiding from his past and present. I've read that adults who were s sexually abused as children are not very trusting of their mates in a normal way. He's made a lot of progress from the way he was when we first married as I basically taught him how to treat me and people in general, but he still withholds very important information from me, leaving me to figure things out on my own.
Ugh! This whole thing is very frustrating. I love him and I take my views very seriously. It's not his fault that things beyond his control happened when he was a kid, unleashing a domino effect of events in his life, but I also don't want to eek like I'm the only one trying to get help for him that I know he needs, and I don't want to force him. Furthermore, I also just want a regular husband.
Like I said, very frustrating!
Well, recently he finally told me the whole story, that he got high and sexually molested the girl. This time I could tell he was finally telling me the whole truth. He said that he didn't want to tell me because he thought I would think he was a monster. I told him I understand that people who do drugs do and say many things that they wouldn't normally do.
However, he himself was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused as a kid by family members, and I am trying to get him to see that seeing a psychiatrist for his bipolar disorder is good but it's not enough, that he also needs to see a psychologist. His psychiatrist said the same thing. It is very painful for him to talk about what happened either when he was a victim or a perpetrator in this instance and I know that I as his wife am not enough.
I'm trying my best to be understanding since I know he has had an extreme few decades on this earth, but I feel like he's just existing now and not really living. He hasn't done drugs in years, by the way. I get the feeling that he's stuck, unable to move forward by setting and meeting goals because he hasn't ever moved passed any of this.
He can't even talk to me about anything in specific terms, and he says that talking to a psychologist (he saw one briefly in the past) is exhausting because it drums up bad feelings, but I know it's only exhausting for him because he never got help as a child when he was violated and is now a full grown adult just now seeking treatment.
Not only that, but my feelings are hurt because he never trusted me with the truth. I feel like he should have given me a fair chance to decide if I wanted to be with him or not given the truth of his past. Probably I would have been understanding because of the role that drugs played, but I don't know. It's hard to tell since I want given that opportunity. I also find myself wondering what else he's hiding from his past and present. I've read that adults who were s sexually abused as children are not very trusting of their mates in a normal way. He's made a lot of progress from the way he was when we first married as I basically taught him how to treat me and people in general, but he still withholds very important information from me, leaving me to figure things out on my own.
Ugh! This whole thing is very frustrating. I love him and I take my views very seriously. It's not his fault that things beyond his control happened when he was a kid, unleashing a domino effect of events in his life, but I also don't want to eek like I'm the only one trying to get help for him that I know he needs, and I don't want to force him. Furthermore, I also just want a regular husband.
Like I said, very frustrating!
Welcome to this group. You fit right in here.
Welcome to the group. We will always listen. We will always understand.
This is really not about him "with holding" from you." The fact that he has told you at all is a miracle AND is testimony to how much he loves and trusts you, so don't demand more. More may come when it's possible. for him once he sees how you react to hearing this. Picking at scabs won't help the healing. Just love and trust him and move forward. What you both have been doing in your relationship so far seems to have been working, The two of you have made it this far.
But you are right, this is more than he needs to try to cope with on his own. Also this is more than you need to cope with on your own. I don't know if couples therapy would help at this stage but you have a foundation of love and trust and the two of you can build on that. You probably aren't a "perfect" wife any more than he is the "perfect" husband. None of us are. there is an organization RAINN that can help you find a therapist experienced in these issues in your area.
Try this link. https://rainn.org/get-help . Their confidential national hot line is 1 (800) 656-HOPE (4673) It's not only help for adults (males) who were molested as children and struggle with these issues all their lives but you'll find help for your situation there too. .
Sadly, we are all,everyone of us, all-too human.. We all have faults. We just have different faults. This man may be frozen in pain from his own childhood but he sounds like he wants to be a good husband and it sounds like he is kind and open to the extent possible for him right now. You both are vulnerable right now. Take your time. Don't throw away what you both have already achieved as a couple.
I know it sounds trite, but we really are here for you. As you can tell from the comments above this one, we do know what you are talking about as few others might. Been there, survived that and still keeping on keeping on....