Families of SOs Community Group
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Hello everyone, I have been reading stories and posts from this group for several months while I wrestle with whether or not to stay with my boyfriend who is awaiting sentencing for possession of CP. I feel like I have NO ONE to talk to about this. There were a few individuals who I felt comfortable talking to about it, but I haven't felt comfortable lately...I'm worried I shouldn't be speaking to them. One his my boyfriend's mother who has been very supportive and loving to my boyfriend and who I get along with very well, and the other is a friend/mentor at work who seems to be very understanding also, but I just worry I shouldn't share this kind of information with people in professional life. Thoughts on this anyone?
Anywho, I have tried to seek therapy from a professional personally and when I explained my boyfriend's situation without details, he literally asked me if I had rocks in my head for choosing to date him...needless to stay I stopped going to him. Now I'm afraid to talk to any therapist for fear that they will not be understanding or they will try to sway me to break up with my boyfriend. I don't want to break up with him, but I do want to know how I can be supportive of him, how to trust him, how to take care of myself in this relationship, and how to deflect nasty comments from outsiders. My whole family knows about it, and my mom and brother are very against me being with him. My mom and brother have typically been dissatisfied with whom I've chosen to date in the past. I have learned not to value their opinions, but a part of me still wonders what if they are right? I have another mentor I failed to mention who I find very easy to speak with about these things, she's one of my favorite people. She explains this is part of me growing up (I'm 25, just graduated from college) and deciding for myself how I want my life to look. My dad has told me he will support me no matter what, and he is very understanding and easy to talk to about these things as well. He tells me I make good decisions, and he knows whatever I decide I will have thought through it to make the best decision I could.
Right now, I want to stay with my boyfriend. He has been going to therapy for porn addiction for a little over a year now, and he has been turning his life around. He has relapses every now and then, but his therapist says that is normal for a while. What I love about my boyfriend is that he is willing to work through conflict with me and also willing to compromise with me. I also feel like I can just be myself with him - I have known him for as long as I can remember - he just gets me unlike anyone else. We share the same goals in life to have kids and love them, be loyal caring spouses, learn how to love and accept people, grow to know ourselves and each other better, etc. We also just have FUN together! These are significant qualities that have been difficult for me to find in a significant other, and I don't want to let them go. I also don't want him to go through this alone!!! I feel equipped to bear the consequences and partner with him in this, and I want to do so. I also worry people will think I'm crazy for wanting to take this on.... I feel like the only reason I would break up with him is because other people think I should. I do have a good rapport with a lot of people, and I fear that them knowing my relation to with him will make them turn their heads. A huge part of me doesn't care, because I trust God that He will provide supportive and loving people in our life. But there is this nagging worry I continue to notice that is fear of the future, the unknown - what friends will I have? Will my family disown me? Will I disappoint my parents?
He has court in a week and it could be the final, deciding hearing. I pray hard that he doesn't become registered, but I think he probably will be. I'm so fearful of this. I know if it happens, we are both going to be so fearful and anxious about it. Does anyone have ANY advice, words of encouragement, etc to offer to me? I have been so grateful just reading stories and experiences...it feels wonderful to know we are not alone, and they have truly gotten me through some fits of worry. Thank you for reading. I look forward to being a part of this support group!
Anywho, I have tried to seek therapy from a professional personally and when I explained my boyfriend's situation without details, he literally asked me if I had rocks in my head for choosing to date him...needless to stay I stopped going to him. Now I'm afraid to talk to any therapist for fear that they will not be understanding or they will try to sway me to break up with my boyfriend. I don't want to break up with him, but I do want to know how I can be supportive of him, how to trust him, how to take care of myself in this relationship, and how to deflect nasty comments from outsiders. My whole family knows about it, and my mom and brother are very against me being with him. My mom and brother have typically been dissatisfied with whom I've chosen to date in the past. I have learned not to value their opinions, but a part of me still wonders what if they are right? I have another mentor I failed to mention who I find very easy to speak with about these things, she's one of my favorite people. She explains this is part of me growing up (I'm 25, just graduated from college) and deciding for myself how I want my life to look. My dad has told me he will support me no matter what, and he is very understanding and easy to talk to about these things as well. He tells me I make good decisions, and he knows whatever I decide I will have thought through it to make the best decision I could.
Right now, I want to stay with my boyfriend. He has been going to therapy for porn addiction for a little over a year now, and he has been turning his life around. He has relapses every now and then, but his therapist says that is normal for a while. What I love about my boyfriend is that he is willing to work through conflict with me and also willing to compromise with me. I also feel like I can just be myself with him - I have known him for as long as I can remember - he just gets me unlike anyone else. We share the same goals in life to have kids and love them, be loyal caring spouses, learn how to love and accept people, grow to know ourselves and each other better, etc. We also just have FUN together! These are significant qualities that have been difficult for me to find in a significant other, and I don't want to let them go. I also don't want him to go through this alone!!! I feel equipped to bear the consequences and partner with him in this, and I want to do so. I also worry people will think I'm crazy for wanting to take this on.... I feel like the only reason I would break up with him is because other people think I should. I do have a good rapport with a lot of people, and I fear that them knowing my relation to with him will make them turn their heads. A huge part of me doesn't care, because I trust God that He will provide supportive and loving people in our life. But there is this nagging worry I continue to notice that is fear of the future, the unknown - what friends will I have? Will my family disown me? Will I disappoint my parents?
He has court in a week and it could be the final, deciding hearing. I pray hard that he doesn't become registered, but I think he probably will be. I'm so fearful of this. I know if it happens, we are both going to be so fearful and anxious about it. Does anyone have ANY advice, words of encouragement, etc to offer to me? I have been so grateful just reading stories and experiences...it feels wonderful to know we are not alone, and they have truly gotten me through some fits of worry. Thank you for reading. I look forward to being a part of this support group!
Feel free to drop me a message at anytime.
You are going to face a lot of questions with his charge, why you are with him, blah blah. Honestly you don't need to answer them. Its none of their business.
I did lose some of my family due to my husband, but I realized they weren't that important in my life and it was their loss, not mine.
It is hard to find who to trust when talking about it. I have been burned by several, and several have surprised me with their acceptance. I've learned not to tell people I don't think I'll have in my life years down the road. If people don't need to know (which are few) I don't tell them.
I made the mistake of telling one of my employers about my husband's charge, and it did become the ultimate demise of my job there. I would advise against telling people in a professional situation.
He most likely will have to register as part of his sentence, CP cases are hard to fight.
Just remember YOU are happy with him. It is a tough road, no lie.
Words of encouragement, love each other and be each other's rocks.
If you ever need to vent or talk, feel free to message me. Rough days are the hardest, but know the easier ones are ahead.
Like others said it is your decision. Down deep you will know what too do. If you meditate, meditation can help you get down deep, if you don't you might try it. Just know in staying with him (if he ends up being a RSO) that you will have to live with some limitations, but if you truly love someone that won't matter, you will just live a "new normal life". I found this online and wanted to share:
"If you are trapped between your feelings and what other people think are right, always go for whatever makes you happy. Unless you want everybody to be happy except for you."
In reading this, it was a good reminder to make the decision to be with my boyfriend myself, not on what others think is right or what I should do.
As far as whom you are dating, your dad supports you and even says you do make good decisions. He has your best interest in mind. If there was anything that he felt wasn't right, he would be there telling you to run, but he's not. Take things slow. But there is no harm to be there and support your BF through all of this. I personally have found this has made my marriage stronger, as we can fully trust each other now, talk about everything, and give him the help he knew he needed but didn't know where to look. As he continues to work on himself, to help prevent another offense, I will be there and support him...
Thank you SO SO much for your attention to my worries and for offering words of encouragement and honesty. Today at work I started off feeling fairly certain that it wasn't going to work out, then as I thought about it I felt hopeful again and more sure that we should stay together. He doesn't know this, and these thoughts were driven purely by a dream I had where I met a different guy and then by my own worrying, fearing thoughts. I realize how consuming this is when I can't even bring myself to take care of my pets or my house or am distracted at work and can't be very productive or focused. I realize it is not good to always be in a state of pondering this over and over. I am going to set time aside each week to read and respond to posts on here, to meditate (Steph2011, meditation is something my BF started during his therapy, and I have grown to appreciate it as well :-) ), and to exercise. I will also get some routine into my life. I started a job 8 months ago, and am still adjusting to the changing schedule and working full time. I also called my insurance company's EAP for a counselor in my town - I explained my situation, and someone is supposed to contact me in the next 24 hours. We'll see how that pans out. I will let you know!
Tomorrow, I am going to a therapy session with my BF and his therapist to address fears we both have about our relationship. I have met with he and his therapist a few times, and he is very supportive and helpful! I'm a little nervous though because I know one of his fears is me leaving him...and I don't know how I can prove I won't, especially with all my thoughts right now. So if you could pray/think of us for that time tomorrow, or offer any advice about that situation I would be grateful. I'm also having a hard time trying to figure this out without my mom's support - I just don't want to do the growing up part. She and I have had a hard time relating with one another for several years now...and this doesn't help. I wonder how I'll ever survive without my family's support...but I guess that is just irrational fear...maybe they will come around...maybe it's not as bad as I'm fearing it is.
It is freeing to know I don't have to make a decision right now, and it's also freeing to know there is no harm to be there and support my BF through all this...that is what I want to do right now. We both feel that if we can make it through this, and we decide to marry, our marriage will be very strong because of it.
In the meantime, I'm seeking ways to help myself right now because I'm all I've got! And he is doing things to help himself right now...and he is very supportive of the decisions I make in regards to helping myself so that is good.
Fears are normal with any relationship, and there are many more that go along with types that are out of the norm.
As for your mom, I had problems with my mom too. My dad is a lot more accepting of people, and my mom flew off the handle when she found out about my husband's charge. My dad really doesn't jump to conclusions, knows I'm smart and I think that helped my mom with her fears.
The more my mom got to know my husband, the more she liked him.
Our friend that I recently told about my husband's charge said something and she is right. I am probably harder on myself than anyone else is. I know its true because I go into every situation fearing the worst, thinking my world is going to crash and burn and it turns our fine. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy.
I'm glad you both are supportive of each other. That is so important.
I hope the best for both of you!
The session today went very well, I think we were both pretty nervous. One of his fears was that I would be influenced by family to leave him, and I was able to reassure him saying that they will not influence me and that I've recognized my life goals are different from those of my family members. One of mine was for him offending again and he was able to reassure me by reminding me of all the steps he is taking to prevent that, including SA groups, therapy, meditation, yoga, new habits to cope with stress, etc. He also continues to firmly state he does not want porn to be a part of his life again. We have learned how to reassure each other in those fears. We feel rejuvenated :-)
My daughters boyfriend raped a woman he didnt know. At the time he was a college student in a differant city than my daughter. When he was arrested, my daughter told me she was going to support him.
After my intitial shock....i too, decided to support him.
When it came to my job...deputy sheriff...i had no choice but to tell my supervisors of the situation. As LE we have strict rules about relationships with inmates. As for my close friends at work i told them. I got alot of support from my supervisors and coworkers with the exception of one. She kept telling me to move on and get over it. Thats when i said to myself....its about me and my daughter. Its about him and his family. I choose to support both of them.
Was i scared or worried? At first i was. If this man could do this to a stranger...could he do this to my daughter?
My daughter taught me a valuable lesson.....forgiveness
It wasnt until his sentencing of ten years prison....my daughter had to let him go. Both so young and so tragic.
My family supported me and my daughter.
I continue to write him in prison and visit when i can. Even though my daughter moved on she also approves of my contact with him.
As time goes on you will know what to do. You will have family and friends on both sides of the fence. But it is you that matters. You have to be ok with your decision.
I too have different life goals than that of my family, I live a very different life from them and different than they ever have. I live states away from them, and even when the visit and this last visit to them, I've learned I have to love them from a distance.
It's hard, because I've always wanted that more normal mother/daughter relationship and its a hard pill to swallow when I realize that is just never going to happen.
It takes a lot to move on from that point. I still love my mother, father and rest of my family, but I have to do it in a different way than I thought I would.
One thing I realized about my parents, mostly my mom and it carries over into my relationship with my husband, is that I'm never going to get an apology. I'm not sure how your relationship is with your mom outside of your boyfriend, but mine was strained anyway. I always just wanted my parents and family to apologize to me, and it's taken me two years to realize I'll never get it. It's hard to be at peace with that because it hurts, but it's just the way it is.
My husband had the same fear, that my family was going to convince me to leave him. I told him from the very beginning I chose him. My husband's offense stemmed from a porn addiction and he also told me that porn won't be a part of his life again either. We've talked about it and I told him if he ever feels he needs to watch it to either talk to me, or talk to someone else about it (because I know he won't talk to me.)
I'm glad you both are being so proactive in this, that is awesome!
If you ever need to talk, please message me.