The day I found this website I was searching for some outlet to reach out to, to know I am not alone in what I feel and think. Where I live, there is nowhere I can turn to for even simple moral support, let alone advice or what not. To some extent I am in a position unfamiliar to most because I am a legal Guardian. While there are others out there like me, it's like trying to find a needle in a haystack - and it really s**ks.

When I decided to take guardianship I had this crazy idea that people would get on board with the idea of doing what is really needed to help my ward - rather than just lock him up. Boy was I stupid and it has been a living nightmare day and night ever since; one endless battle even with so-called mental health "professionals" boy is that title a joke inside prisons.

One of my worst days is the day I had to deny consent for my ward to go through the prison sex offender program. Talk about guilt - knowing that I made a decision that is going to force him to serve out his entire prison sentence. But the alternative was even worse; something he did not want and I could not do to him.

The prison sex offender program here is intentionally designed to cause people like my ward to fail. It is used as an avenue to gather intelligence to secure civil commitments for the rest of their lives. I spent a great deal of time researching the program and talking with all sorts of people. I hated having to say no but I knew in my heart it was the choice I was forced to make to try to protect him from the greater harms to come.

As a condition of being allowed to participate and to graduate the program, he was required to sign away all his legal rights and confess guilt not only to his current conviction, which he has previously done, but also to any and all mere allegations that might have been made against him at any time during his life. The state does not care if he is 100% factually and truthfully innocent of mere allegations - participants are forced to confess guilt nonetheless. If they don't then they don't get paroled or out on conditional relese - not that they would anyway but that's the candy the state uses to lure them to blieve that if they go along with the program there is a reward at the end.

I try not to hate people but what I have seen and experienced in the time he has been in prison causes me to wonder if hate is not such a bad thing after all. I have watched them completely trample on his civil rights. I have been blackmailed for money. I listen to their ignorance and sometimes outright stupidity about what guardianships mean. I see them sabotaging my wards theapeutic opportunities, growth, and successes. And routinely we are being threatened and harassed.

All I wanted to do was to help one human being - to give him a quality of life he has never had before in his entire life; where he could feel safe and dare I say, happy for a change. But most times I feel like I am standing at the bottom of a extremely huge moutain; sometimes I gain a step but most times someone is shoving me off the ledge.

I want to cry, to scream and shout. I wish I had just one day that I did not have to wonder, worry and ask who is going to screw with us today.