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Here's a letter I received from my son, who is four years down on a 20-year sentence for sex abuse of a minor. The little girl was 9 years old at the time. There was nothing forceful about the episode, but because of the vast age difference (he was 40-something), it's classified as a sexual assault.
He gave me permission to share this on this forum. He wrote this while he was in solitary confinement a month or so ago.
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6-22-15, Still Trying To Figure Out ME
I still hold children in the highest regard: they're the fragile seedlings that will someday support the weight of this crazy world. They MUST be protected from harm. They MUST be free to grow and play and learn in an environment of trustworthy caretakers who have the CHILDREN'S best interest at heart. To want to be with children for ANY purpose other than to enrich their lives is simply unacceptable. To be more specific, it is unacceptable to want personal gain or pleasure from children and for that to be THE reason one wants to be with them.
Examples, even though it's obvious what I'm talking about: To want to be around little girls primarily for the purpose of seeing panty peeks is unacceptable. Or anything like that. Duh. This is so obvious as to be rediculously un-needed to be stated.
The Point is: Why the hell are you here? To help them or to get your !^@$^$@% rocks off? If it's the latter, then get the !@$#!@ out of here. This is clear to me, and always has been.
...
And then, in my 20s & 30s, this thing happened. It was separate from the realities which I state above. It did not change those perspectives about children in me. It is a separate part of me. Before my 20s, I had NO interest inappropriate in young girls. I specifically remember going to a swim practice with my wife who was a nanny at the time. There were girls in swimsuits aged 5-10 or so everywhere -- possibly 100 of them. I thought to myself at that time, "Some guys are actually ATTRACTED to these girls!? I have no idea why." I was about 25 at the time. I could NOT understand how someone could be sexually interested in pre-pubescent girls.
Now...if I were in that same room, I would be overwhelmed. I would not DO anything, except try not to be obvious in my attempts to look... to absorb every moment and every view... to record and remember and admire and memorize and savor every perfectly-formed figure and part --
I somehow have become THAT guy! The me of 20 years ago would be disgusted, appalled, very confused -- surely I would not accept or believe that which has indeed come about!
And now I come to the point: That 20-years-ago me is still here. I still view children as the epitome of priceless preciousness, desperately in need of protection from harm, and unquestionably requiring caretakers who are trustworthy -- who when left alone with our young sons and daughters would not even THINK of doing something sneaky or selfish or inappropriate.
Our children deserve that. Humankind deserves that. Nothing can help us if it simultaneously nibbles away at our children's tender development, leeching their life-force like a parasite without their awareness, using their precious trust and naivete against them! Those that do these things are indeed humanity's most despicable.
And yet, how indescribably perturbing that I should write these things knowing that part of me is compelled to do just that. It rationalizes. It schemes. It waits.
How terrible!
How did this happen?
How many more are like me?
We need help desperately.
He gave me permission to share this on this forum. He wrote this while he was in solitary confinement a month or so ago.
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6-22-15, Still Trying To Figure Out ME
I still hold children in the highest regard: they're the fragile seedlings that will someday support the weight of this crazy world. They MUST be protected from harm. They MUST be free to grow and play and learn in an environment of trustworthy caretakers who have the CHILDREN'S best interest at heart. To want to be with children for ANY purpose other than to enrich their lives is simply unacceptable. To be more specific, it is unacceptable to want personal gain or pleasure from children and for that to be THE reason one wants to be with them.
Examples, even though it's obvious what I'm talking about: To want to be around little girls primarily for the purpose of seeing panty peeks is unacceptable. Or anything like that. Duh. This is so obvious as to be rediculously un-needed to be stated.
The Point is: Why the hell are you here? To help them or to get your !^@$^$@% rocks off? If it's the latter, then get the !@$#!@ out of here. This is clear to me, and always has been.
...
And then, in my 20s & 30s, this thing happened. It was separate from the realities which I state above. It did not change those perspectives about children in me. It is a separate part of me. Before my 20s, I had NO interest inappropriate in young girls. I specifically remember going to a swim practice with my wife who was a nanny at the time. There were girls in swimsuits aged 5-10 or so everywhere -- possibly 100 of them. I thought to myself at that time, "Some guys are actually ATTRACTED to these girls!? I have no idea why." I was about 25 at the time. I could NOT understand how someone could be sexually interested in pre-pubescent girls.
Now...if I were in that same room, I would be overwhelmed. I would not DO anything, except try not to be obvious in my attempts to look... to absorb every moment and every view... to record and remember and admire and memorize and savor every perfectly-formed figure and part --
I somehow have become THAT guy! The me of 20 years ago would be disgusted, appalled, very confused -- surely I would not accept or believe that which has indeed come about!
And now I come to the point: That 20-years-ago me is still here. I still view children as the epitome of priceless preciousness, desperately in need of protection from harm, and unquestionably requiring caretakers who are trustworthy -- who when left alone with our young sons and daughters would not even THINK of doing something sneaky or selfish or inappropriate.
Our children deserve that. Humankind deserves that. Nothing can help us if it simultaneously nibbles away at our children's tender development, leeching their life-force like a parasite without their awareness, using their precious trust and naivete against them! Those that do these things are indeed humanity's most despicable.
And yet, how indescribably perturbing that I should write these things knowing that part of me is compelled to do just that. It rationalizes. It schemes. It waits.
How terrible!
How did this happen?
How many more are like me?
We need help desperately.
I hope you and your son never give up hope. I believe in my heart EVERYONE can be saved.
I have often wondered why? Why do good people do bad things? I want to much to ask the SO in my life why he did what he did. What was he thinking? What is he thinking now? I am afraid to ask. Perhaps i dont want to know the truth.
It is sad.
I don't know what your son's "life" situation was when his sexual interests "flipped" and became dangerous to him as well as to the little girls he mentions.
He says "how terrible" for him and for the child he takes responsibility for molesting. That's what a safety plan is all about so he doesn't get triggered into harming himself BY harming a child. (even Jimmy Carter said, he only "lusted in his heart" )
"How did this happen?" writing/ journaling not only about what he already did but thinking on a time-line from events he remembers from childhood (perhaps, like my brother, your son was molested / touched and his wounds never healed.
How many more like me? Well there are 180,000 names on the Sex Offender registry and a large percentage of those were themselves molested /abused as children) so there are a lot of "us" families and family members dealing with the collateral damage of our own molest, our urges to repeat our own molest upon others, or our guilt that we did molest in spite of everything The short answer "lots" of people trying to recover from childhood traumas or from war and imprisonment (being in the hole might n and of itself be considered pretty traumatic especially if you there because you are in danger in the prison ( a good book that might help and that you could read is The Compassionate Mind Guide to recovering from Trauma and PTSD by Deborah A Lee and Sophie James Short answer good therapy and competent therapists are few and far between so you are the person in charge of figuring out healing 101 Sounds cold? but you are the one who will get to know yourself better and better in the process and you will be the one you trust to help you get "better." In time You can evict the predator from your head and get on with making the best of life, even in prison.
Instead of having compassion for people like your son and my husband who find themselves in these situations, scientists chose to deny its reality and judge those who need the help the most....people at risk of unacceptable behaviors. Your son, my husband, so many others have been denied the basic opportunity to receive help when they needed it because people have failed to look this problem in the face.
Why? Probably because they are afraid that the same thing may exist inside of them.
Sad.
Thank you for sharing this.
Peekachu makes an excellent point "Probably because they are afraid that the same thing may exist inside of them." My counsellor and I touched upon this yesterday as I have a neighbour who is very intimidating. She said without making any accusations or judgements his behaviour mirrors that of some in closet homosexuals who are afraid of their sexuality, they feel the need to intimidate, feel powerful and judge for the fear of "being one".
I hope your son finds himself and you both should be proud the problem is being addressed and not in a state of denial so many are in. In a way I suppose I am lucky my husbands problem is so "clean cut". Abused as a child, porn addiction that ended up with a total disconnection not helped by his autism.
I wish him well on his journey.
Shoving us ALL into labeled closets. And when we agree to shame blame and scapegoat those "Others" in other closets, haven't we forgotten that there are real Bullies all dressed up and ready to dance knocking at our own front door right now (every month, and calling them "supervision " visits to Registrants (no matter how young the registrant") calling what "they" are doing to us "only right" because ...???.
Didn't you know that the first sex offender lists were invented in California to list homosexuals (not "our sort" of pervert" when prejudice against homosexuals was even more socially/ religiously respectable than today? And of course everyone jumped on the band wagon and agreed it was only right to target "those people" but now the list has shifted to US and we are called registrants and the misguided families who stick by "our" offenders in spite of their prejudice?
It sounds to me like your therapist has not come a long way from "that sort" of perverted thinking if she conflates bullies with closeted (fill in the blank) The real Bullies are "little people" hiding behind a curtain of prejudice much like the Wizard of OZ Pull back the curtain and they put on a flak jacket and knock on some other door, point to the next "bad-der than me" population. .Once they have separated us all out into our separate silenced boxes (divide and conquer it's called ) then the prejudiced tell us we should join with them in attacking other ("bad-der people) conveniently boxed up and labeled "Those sort of people/ families. The problem is WE (the families of sex offenders) are now the group it's OK to Bully.
I once hear a joke. This guy went to heaven and was being shown around by St Peter. St Peter asked, "Any questions?" The man said just one. "Why are all those people walled up inside a brick wall while all the rest of the people in heaven are free? Well, St Peter replied, "They are (Baptists/ Catholics insert any religion you prefer here _____________) They think they are the only ones who made it to heaven. "
Thank you so much for sharing that. Please tell your son thank you, and if it's not too much to ask could I possibly share that with my husband? He's currently one year into a 15 to life sentence for molesting my daughter (his step daughter) for several months starting when she was 11. I know he struggles every day with why. And I keep pressuring him for answers because I'm struggling with why too. I think it would really help for him to know there are others that feel the same way he does, that wonder what happened to themselves. I can't help him with that, but maybe your son's letter could. Of course I understand if you don't want me to share it.
I agree with Sally and Peekachu. It is very sad that the people who could help refuse to look the problem in the face, to see it for what it is. People fear what they don't understand, and they hate what they are afraid exists inside themselves. There is a beautiful song called Weeping by Josh Groban that explains this very well. It says,
I knew a man who lived in fear
It was huge, it was angry, it was drawing near
Behind his house, a secret place
Was the shadow of the demon he could never face
He built a wall of steel and flame
And men with guns, to keep it tame
Then, standing back, he made it plain
That the nightmare would never ever rise again
But the fear and the fire and the guns remain
It doesn't matter now
It's over anyhow
He tells the world that it's sleeping
But as the night came 'round
I heard it's lonely sound
It wasn't roaring, it was weeping
And then one day, the neighbors came
They were curious to know about the smoke and flame
They stood around outside the wall
But of course there was nothing to be heard at all
"My friends", he said, "we've reached our goal
The threat is under firm control
As long as peace and order reign
I'll be damned if I can see a reason to explain
Why the fear and the fire and the guns remain"
It doesn't matter now
It's over anyhow
He tells the world that it's sleeping
But as the night came 'round
I heard its lonely sound
It wasn't roaring, it was weeping
If society could look past their irrational fear, and (for another analogy) pull the thorn out of the lion's' paw, then maybe people like us; (families that have become collateral damage of a war waged out of fear) could finally have a chance at healing.
There seems to be so little open discussion on the subject of little boys molested and denigrated and the subject of what constitutes the real use of power (to protect) that I guess I just got a little nuts before I really understood your contribution. Thanks for commenting back. I am sorry if what I said made you feel bad. Sorry. We all need each other to openly discuss all this with and I have chosen to let myself be silenced for so long that "old stuff" pops out because it is still in there I guess.
Class Action Against Prison’s Profiting from cost of Prisoner’s
phone calls Home www.silentsentence.com/ (this was copied from a live link so it should work
I sympathize with your son's struggles to understand his actions. The pain and regret in his writing is raw and sincere, because he can't reconcile the good person he knows he is, with what he did. For years I would close my laptop after viewing CP, and wonder why in the world I was interested in that, of all things. It felt like a horrible curse that I couldn't control, even though I knew it was illegal and wrong. What your son did must be devastating to confront, but the fact that he is pleading for help means his cry can be heard by friends, family, counselors, and professionals who can help him make sense of this. Thank you for sharing his letter, and for reaching out.