justin it is a hard place you are in when the police knocked on our door i was absolutley devastated my husband was not allowed back because child protection got involved because of our son i was so ashamed but most of all i could not understand why and still dont to this day before this we were so happy my husband lost his job because of this and our lives have been transformed into a nightmare i understand that you are unhappy but i am sure your wife is equally so
the worst thing for us was when it hit the press and everyone knew it meant that all my sons friends knew and my work colleagues.
however despite this i still love my husband and know he is not a bad person if you were happy before this is there no way your wife could talk to you at a contact centre?
i am sure it is hard for your wife and perhaps it is a defence mechanism for her because she would have to go against friends and family if she sees you
there will be restrictions on seeing your daughter because of what you viewed but depending where you live there must be help somewhere
you made a stupid mistake but that does not make you a monster and does not take away your right to be a dad if you have completed programmes surely they must give you ideas how to move forward
i know how your wife feels as i have been there but if you were happy before she must miss you she has probably suffered as much as you cos i know i certainly have even though i committed no crime
suicide is not the answer been there too . imagine your little girl growing up and knowing that her dad killed himself it would be too cruel.
have you tried writing a letter to your wife explaining what you have learned about why you did it?
my thoughts and prayers are with you justin x

snow-
"most of all i could not understand why" snow asked.

therapists (and i've taken a lot of therapy and group), have said that porn is like drugs. you get bored or normal porn and move to 'harder stuff'. what i don't understand is watch it in the first place if yo have someone? some therapists have said, 'it's because men want something different'. meh dont know about that.

justintomas133-
it's not an easy life, and it will get better. things are changing in the world. more and more people are realizing the registry as it is...a scarlet letter, a way to control people. i never had a wife but i had a child, which i had to sign my parental rights away, so i know where you are coming from. luckily enough your wife isn't a drunk crack head so you don't have to worry about having to deal with that. i'd rather be alive and a thorn in societies' tail end, just to say yup i'm still alive and yup i only got a year in jail. some people have gotten 20+ years for CP, so count yourself lucky. our ranks are growing daily, and we've reached the 1 million marker, pretty soon there will be so many of us that there won't be a single person in usa that hasn't been affected by the registry.

thank you very much for responding. it brings warmth to my hear that there are people out there that dont automatically judge me and throw me under the bus.

as for the above poster who mentioned she may be not talking to me because of her psychological defences in action I dont think thats the case anymore.

When i was in jail she took me to family court took sole custody and sole guardianship. and she said at the hearing that she wants nothing to do with me ever again and doesnt want to speak with me.
she did say she would "think" about letting me see my daughter. doubt that will likely happen anytime soon.

i just feel very defeated and hopeless when it comes to my ex wife. she has played the "victim" stance very well telling everyone Ive ruined her life, etc. When All ive done is try to help her with child support and anythig else i can possibly do. i even tried to remove the no contact order in court three times so i could help her out. but she has said NO NO NO.

the ministry up here in canada has said they want me to attend "MORE" treatment. Ive already completed an intensive 3 month sex offender program that has helped me identify my risks, thinking errors and reasons why i committed my offences. but they filed to obtain my psych reports from my probation officer and have nit-picked the reports to death and listed every possible thing they want me to "work" on. the thing that upsets me the most is they want me to be HONEST during these programmes. but if all they are going to do is bully me and make it next to impossible to see my daughter. it just fustrates me when I was told before I went to jail that If I complete proramming they would reintegrate me back in my daughters life. no they have changed their tone and are strongly opposed to my application in family court. its not until late next spring so im hoping to have another psych evalution between now and then.

im not a "high risk" to reoffend like my reports come out saying. I was able to speak to the last psychologist on how they determine the risk. Basically the big factors are that I am a male and my age at the offense (under 25). the longer you have to live basically the higher the risk you are to reoffend over the years. basically they have a cookie cut examination of 19 or so questions and if you match yourself with as many .of those as possible your labeled someone who has traits of a psychopath. Ive never hurt a soul in my life, never had a run-in with the law and considered my self to be a hard working family man.

my ex used a lot of things she knew about me in my reports that also continued into the rating. can you imagine reading your wife say in a report that you cannot be helped!!!

Welcome Justin,

My bf is a RSO and things have been hard. The best advice is to just take one day at a time, one moment at a time if needed. There are going to be some really hard days, I know for my bf there has been and there have been days he doesn't want to go on. But things are getting better. It has been over two years since he got the "label".

Just know that you are not alone in this and that life goes on even if it is hard. I would think that there has to be a way that you can see your daughter someday. I am sorry this has all happened to you, it is so messed up the labels that society puts on people. Just remember you are not alone in this, even if some days you feel like you are. You are welcome to vent on here as needed.

Right now my bf hasn't been able to see his kids for awhile and it has been so hard on him, especially with it being the holiday season. But things have to get better, sometimes it is a matter of just trying to find the positive in things even when our world is falling apart. Just a change in our spirit can make all the difference.

{{hugs}}

Today has been a hard day. I am a very emotional person and since all this has happened I probably break down crying once a day. I hate being like a basket case. All I want is to wake up and feel normal. I havent been sleeping well becaue when I sleep I usually have very distraught dreams about my curent situation.

One hint of thought about my daughter and all I do is tear up. I miss her so much. I havent seen her since she was a few months old. I really hate myself everyday for what Ive done. Because deep down insidie I KNOW I am a good person. Ive been a Christian all my life and what Ive done goes against everything I was taught.

I just think sometimes this is all a dream and I will wake up one day and it will all be a memory. I was able to get a new job this week. Ive had 4 jobs since being released from jail and everyone job I lost was because they discovered my criminal record. All I am trying to do is live the rest of my days as good as I possibly can.
Tonight I went to shovel someones driveway that was full of snow. They ended up giving me a lot more money than I expected and suddenly I started crying. It was the nicest thing anyone has done in a very long time for me.

People who I used to be friends with claim that I pretend to be the victim in all of this. I dont consider that to be so. I have an enourmous amount of remorse and guilt. I thought admitting to the cops of what I had done would be a good way to prove my mistakes. But mostly everyone that was in my life quickly left.

I miss the family I had before. Christmas used to be exciting and involvd lots of traveling to see family. Now I sit at home wondering how everyone is. Do they think of me? DO they even care? I miss them.

Im trying so hard everyday to not let the past get to me but it is very hard. I am sorry that I cry a lot and come across as a "victim" in all of this.

btw---that's normal crying a lot at first. we are emotional beings, but sometimes you have to be cold hearted and logical. get a pet it really helps. i think they have been the most help through all of this. they will listen and not complain (too much), and they like to snuggle when i'm moody. the only thing that bugs me about my pets is the oldest likes to stick her cold wet nose in my ear in the morning. grrrr.

Justin:
The family coourts are more sympathetic to the parental needs to be with their children and vice versa. You need to find a family law attorney and go after visitation. I know several people on the registry with sole custody of their children. You have completed and gone through classes, therapy etc as required, you should in every right, be able to see your daughter!
Remember, family court is different than criminal court!
NEVER give up hope! If youu do, that is what will do you in!
Hugs!

thanks for the new replies.

as for family court, I do have a family lawyer. I've filed in court for supervised visitation and my ex wife has said basically "over my dead body" and the ministry of child and family development got a hold of my psychological reports and basically wont let me see my daughter until I complete even MORE programs. Ive completed ALL OF THEM! They don't care about the bond I have with my daughter. I love her to BITS and would never hurt her or any Child. I understand and accept what I've done in the past. I have to live with the emotional loss of my child and wife for many years to come and it hasnt been a good year for me personally.

and yes I have a new cat, but some days my depression is very bad. All I can do is sit in a daze and feel like shit. It's hard to snap out of it somedays.

And also on the family court thing the minstry has told me that if I do get an order for supervised visits they will seek an injunction in court to BLOCK me from seeing my daughter. Isn't that awful nice!!

I have another question for people out here - Do you know of any medications that help with the emotional rollecoaster?

Where are you in Canada? Maybe you can get in with a COSA support group. Circles of Support and Accountability (www.cosa-ottawa.ca/). Apparently, there are 18 cities in Canada that have these volunteer programs that help people to not reoffend. If you look one up and get accepted, please keep in touch with us to let us know about how it works for you. I would like to see this compassionate program "trickle down" to the States!

there are NO support groups where I live. I don't live in Ontario so a lot of the special programmes that are run aren't offered here. I see a psychologist and psychiatrist once a month and none of the seem to care that I am emotional and mental wreck. they pull out the "im playing the victim" card and expect me to suck it up and disapper from society.

here's the thing justin. is this how you want to be for the rest of your life? i hope not. do you think it's a chemical imbalance? probably not. do you need help getting over the funk? of course you do, and that's where we come in, but first you have to agree to try. first you have to remind your self this one thing. i don't give a f#$^. it helps to say it often. call me a scumbag? joke and say that's MR scumbag to you, why because i don't give a f#$%. it helps to clear the crap in the head when you get to the point where it doesn't matter, because that's the acceptance part of life. ;) you might ask me How can you love living like you do? i say because i don't give a f#$%. lol.

justin, I don't have any experience with what your are going through. My son was arrested several years ago when he was just twenty one for cp. He was not married and no children to deal with. I just want you to know that my heart breaks for what you are going through and I certainly hope for the best for you in your new job and in the future with your efforts in seeing your daughter. My faith and prayer is what gets me through each day as I wait several more years for my son to be released. Then have to worry about him finding housing and getting a job. Best of luck to you. Hang in there.