Families of SOs Community Group
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I initially joined this group looking because my father was very abusive while we were growing up. He was verbally, mentally, physically and sexually abusive to his daughters. When everything came out I was very young and didn't quite understand the depth of the abuse. We had become so numb to it what we thought was a normal household was not.
My father was extremely well at grooming and desensitizing his family. Manipulative and evil. I remember being uncomfortable witnessing pure, loving relationships between father and daughter. It all just seemed so wrong, and I secretly wondered if it wasn't a show for the outside world. Just like my family had become so good at putting on.
We were a poor household. Single mom with 4 kids on a single income... There was no way we could afford therapy. My mother did everything she could holding it together coming out of the abuse herself. We were broken, and he sure as hell made sure we knew how much he didn't care.
We learned to rely on one another and get through this together. I'm extremely close to the two of my siblings that stuck with me. We laughed, cried, built a home together, relied on one another and grew. They are the reason I am strong today. He stole our childhood, he can't have the rest of our lives.
Fast forward to about 3 months ago. my sister met this wonderful man she knew was the perfect man for me. we have spoken for years about what I want in a relationship and in a man. Here she is meeting a man with the same exact character traits I desire. He has a beautiful personality and compliments me so well.
We met, connected and became very close friends. He kept saying there was something he needed to tell me. For some reason I already knew what he was going to say. I did some research and found out that he is a registered sex offender. This has not changed how I feel about this man if anything our friendship is stronger now that he knows that I know.
We love one another but I know he's holding back because he sees the close bond that I have with my family and it scares him to consider the affect it will have on me when we reveal the truth. is he going to open his heart I'm a very well become so broken that uses her family over him. That is very real concern and completely understandable. However, I am not going anywhere.
I have never had this love for anyone. I felt it before I knew his past. I know that my family is going to question the purity of my relationship. Basing it from my past, they have every right to be concerned I'm making the right decision.
My scars will always remain. However, they resemble old wounds that have been healed.
If they love me, they will walk by my side...I know that. But what if they don't...who do I have? Every once in awhile the depth of the situation hits me. I try to be strong... but it's hard to be positive 100% when I have very valid questions. how are we can walk through this together and come out stronger than ever.
I truly believe that my family will come around, but I don't want to lose him for fear of hurting me.
My father was extremely well at grooming and desensitizing his family. Manipulative and evil. I remember being uncomfortable witnessing pure, loving relationships between father and daughter. It all just seemed so wrong, and I secretly wondered if it wasn't a show for the outside world. Just like my family had become so good at putting on.
We were a poor household. Single mom with 4 kids on a single income... There was no way we could afford therapy. My mother did everything she could holding it together coming out of the abuse herself. We were broken, and he sure as hell made sure we knew how much he didn't care.
We learned to rely on one another and get through this together. I'm extremely close to the two of my siblings that stuck with me. We laughed, cried, built a home together, relied on one another and grew. They are the reason I am strong today. He stole our childhood, he can't have the rest of our lives.
Fast forward to about 3 months ago. my sister met this wonderful man she knew was the perfect man for me. we have spoken for years about what I want in a relationship and in a man. Here she is meeting a man with the same exact character traits I desire. He has a beautiful personality and compliments me so well.
We met, connected and became very close friends. He kept saying there was something he needed to tell me. For some reason I already knew what he was going to say. I did some research and found out that he is a registered sex offender. This has not changed how I feel about this man if anything our friendship is stronger now that he knows that I know.
We love one another but I know he's holding back because he sees the close bond that I have with my family and it scares him to consider the affect it will have on me when we reveal the truth. is he going to open his heart I'm a very well become so broken that uses her family over him. That is very real concern and completely understandable. However, I am not going anywhere.
I have never had this love for anyone. I felt it before I knew his past. I know that my family is going to question the purity of my relationship. Basing it from my past, they have every right to be concerned I'm making the right decision.
My scars will always remain. However, they resemble old wounds that have been healed.
If they love me, they will walk by my side...I know that. But what if they don't...who do I have? Every once in awhile the depth of the situation hits me. I try to be strong... but it's hard to be positive 100% when I have very valid questions. how are we can walk through this together and come out stronger than ever.
I truly believe that my family will come around, but I don't want to lose him for fear of hurting me.
I have a feeling they will accept him, or at least your sibling who introduced you two, will be supportive. But, if they aren't, do you really want negativity in your life if he is THE ONE? You will have to decide, if worst case scenario plays out, what you will do. Better to plan for the worst but hope for the best....
I have actually been surprised by those whom I thought would hate hubby, but they understood my position and have been supportive. Family, on the other hand, was easier to cut out than to deal with that stress.
My only suggestion is to let him pick the time to talk to your family so he will be more comfortable with it.
I guess the question is... how do I mentally prepare myself?
I want to reassure him that I'm making the right decision.
You are the ones closest to the male SO. So you know the person not the crime.
But at the same time, women are 90% the cause of the strictness of ML. The push back against any change in ML is mostly from the female gender.
Im not saying I agree with Steven Smith from ESPN but some of what he is saying has merit and walks parallel to our problem. How do you allow your child to dress? Do you check their cellphone daily? Do you watch what they do on the PC?
As a father there was noplace I could hide my Esquire magazine from my son. Did MY having them around cause him to offend later in life?
Currently, ML affects 1 in 30 families in the US. It's denying children from living with their parents in some cases, 95 % of the families affected, held up by women, are now forced to do triple duty. Hold down a job...raise kids alone....and feed the financial belly of the DOC's while trying to do nothing but love.
We need the women of SO's to step up and help change the laws and make them more fair for not only the offender but the families of the offenders.
Now....Imagine the impact ML has on children also. "Where's your dad?" one kid asks another.
"My dad can't watch my games because his Parole says he's not allowed to."
One teen to another "Hey, mom and dad are taking me to Great Adventure today why dont you and your family join us?" "My dad can't take us to an amusement park."
Children and parents can be mean. "I'm not allowed to play with you because your dad is a SO."
What effect does this have on teachers? (The ultimate PC group) No matter what tier you are as an SO the school will be notified and therefore the teacher of your children. What voice would you now have at a PTO meeting? How would YOU feel if your teachers husband was a SO?
Speaking for myself, ONLY. I loved being on a ball field. I coached every sport I could. But I drew a line in the sand for myself. TODAY...I can't go watch a HS Soccer game anymore...Not that I did anything wrong but because my son lives with me and he is an SO. I shy away from getting involved locally with events that children are a part of.
Questions questions questions.
Ladies..you must....Must...MUST step up and educate. Talk about it at the gym with people you work out with. Bring it up as a subject when you go out with the girls. I know it's difficult. Extremely so..but...if you want to really protect your children.....help build fairness into the laws that protect them.
My morning rant is over
I love and respect every woman. I'm begging for their help. EDUCATE !!!!
I'm telling you this because there is no way to prepare yourself for what will happen. Some people will shock you, some in a good way and some in a bad way. You will never know people's reactions and you really can't make guesses either. If you are meant to be with him you will be with him. If you can't handle your family walking away from you, you have to make that decision, no matter how hard it is. I lost friendships and family over this, but the love I have for my husband and the love our children have for their father trumps everyone else. I'm in it for the long haul, and everyone else who doesn't want to be in our lives because of what he did and not because of the person he really is, well, frankly, they can just go to hell!
He is good person who made a bad mistake. There are people I have no time for anymore because I'm not going to waste my time or energy on them. I have made a decision I will live my life the way I want too.
My family has been wonderful except for one sister and that has nothing to do with my son's charges but an argument we had about my mother. I was angry when I found she was borrowing a lot of money from her and not paying it back. I know some people socially who have said insensitive things to me and reminded them that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. A year ago I never would have said that, something in me has become stronger.