Man that's got to be tough :-(

At least you have the right perspective, you know it's more important to have access to your grandchildren than to win an argument on Facebook. I don't know much about Facebook but I bet you could block her messages or something so you don't have to see them.

Do you have to stay FB friends with her?

If you do, you can unfollow her, so you won't see all of her posts in your newsfeed. You would have to go to her page to see what she posted, that way you can save yourself from seeing those posts.

Hi, Reggie.

I know exactly what you are going through. Its very painful. I find, though, that people say things like this because, no matter how crass it is, these kinds of statements are seen as socially acceptable. People just don't have any other way to address the issue. No one knows how to talk about it except by using these potty-mouth phrases.

Not too long ago, my stepdaughter (the daughter of the SO) said to me that they ought to cut his *** off. This was about her own father! She didn't really mean that. I started talking to her about what pedophilia is and how nobody would choose to be a pedophile. Its pretty clear that people are born with this preference. Also, I said that this is a situation that has been almost completely ignored by researchers. Nobody really knows how this occurs. Why would a good and decent man molest a child? It doesn't make sense, but what seems obvious about it clearly isn't the truth.

To make a long story short, my stepdaughter stopped talking like that and made much more thoughtful comments.

It would seem that, if people were really serious about stopping child molesting, that they would want to know what pedophilia is! Society is very "ungrown-up" about pedophilia. That is why you get these perverse statements like the one my stepdaughter made and the one your DIL made...and you get less real protection for children.

There needs to be some very serious public discussion of this issue, as well as teaching from a public health perspective. The public perception has to change. But it won't change until there is better understanding of pedophilia and how it occurs.

In the meantime, we just have to forgive people for their lack of understanding. This is very challenging when the things being said are so painful. One way to begin to cope with this is to remember that these statements are not personal. They are sort of like tape loops that play over and over in people's minds because they were taught to think that way and have no other perspective.

But we know better because of our experiences...and we have the ability to choose to be more compassionate. The more we do that, the more it will eventually rub off on others.

I do have to stay FB friends with her, because she lives quite a distance away now so the only way I see my grandkids is when she posts pictures or videos of them. I've thought about "hiding" her so I don't see these things, and just asking my husband to let me know when she posts pictures, etc., but I haven't gotten to that point yet. But then she posted today that my grandson asked when they're going to get a new daddy, which hurts even worse.

She's clearly in pain and lashing out the only way she knows how. She was thrust into being a single mother. That's painful, scary and lonely. Every time she looks at her children, she sees her husband that she feels abandoned them with one selfish decision.

The people she has to cling to for comfort may not necessarily be his biggest fan. Right now she's just mirroring their opinions and reaching out for somebody to comfort her.

I feel the same Reggie. There comes a point when i feel i cant talk to no one. My husband ,as comforting and understanding as he is, i feel like i put a burden on him. Same goes for my some of my family and coworkers. It is almost as if i am isolated. This is not what i need. But what i have found out is some people understand and some dont. Facebook is another story. Got to let it go. I almost lost control on facebook when my daughter's Aunt told her to get over it. Long story but my daughter was in a relationship with a man who is in prison for rape. I came unglued. I called her instead of Facebook, and unleashed like a mother bear protecting her cub. So you need to play nice even though you dont. Be civil. Your grandchildren need you!

Guess I got on my soapbox. Sorry about that. Agree completely with Effie and Westdenali. Your DIL is in a lot of pain. This may be the only way she can cope.

Also, really be careful with the internet. People can bait you into saying things that you will regret later and anything you put on there will be a permanent record of your own pain, which you may not want others to see later.

Perhaps you can look at your DIL's Facebook page to see the kids, but only with someone else with you who can shield you from the painful posts.

This situation is horrendous for families. We are ripped to shreds. I don't ever talk about my grandchildren, because if I see them again, they will be grown-ups and probably very angry. I was completely shut out, even though I didn't do anything. They used to be such a big part of my world, but after they arrest, they dropped off the face of the earth. There was not even a chance to say goodbye.

The pain and isolation are the worst. I even quit going to church because I couldn't explain what happened to the kids, who I used to bring with me. I also changed jobs. Other people talk about their kids during lunch at work. I say nothing. I've gotten past the point where these things make me upset, but I still work hard to keep my mouth shut and maintain the little lies i have tell to keep others from asking questions.

I'm lucky that I have had a good friend who will listen to me no matter what, but the pain and isolation still belong to me. We all have to find out own ways to cope with that.

Sorry you have to go through this. We are with you. Peek