On February 2, 2016/ By Sonia Acosta


surviving on the outside part 3

Our relationship with everyone suffers when we decide to not abandon our incarcerated loved one. So when our relationship with our inmate gets complicated, there’s generally nobody to turn to for advice.

In this third part of the Surviving on the Outside series (check out part 1 and part 2), we talk about US…meaning the relationship between you and your loved one. Solid advice from those who have walked our journey, put together by the awesome people over at Prison Talk. We hope you will find comfort in their words.

~there will be times when he gets down and may pull away. Work through it. COMMUNICATE. Prison is hard, but it’s just a place; work on your relationship. Respect one another, listen to what is said and what is not said. Work at it. Sometimes we need space with our thoughts, which can be difficult for the other to hear. If I say, “I’m sort of distracted right now. Work has been stressful and money is tight. I don’t feel like talking about it all right now, but you and I are good—and I know you’re there for me whenever I need you”—this helps him to know what I’m dealing with, as well as what I’m not.
When he gets a ‘taste’ of it, as well as hears we’re good, he is more likely to give me the space I need. I try to do the same for him. As long as we still discuss the stuff that matters, taking a break from some of it every now & again is fine.

~Prison is not a “pass” on bad behavior. Having an understanding nature, or empathy, is an important trait. But being in prison does not translate to treating their partner in a disrespectful, inconsiderate or abusive manner. Their behavior is the reason behind their incarceration; taking you for granted, hanging up the phone on you, refusing visits, cursing you out, or placing unreasonable demands on you would not be acceptable outside of the prison walls and is made no more acceptable by being incarcerated. Discuss your feelings, establish expectations & boundaries and communicate!

~Relationships are work; remember to meet each other’s needs. Communicate, share and find ways to maintain intimacy. Most states do not allow extended family visits, so we need to work a little harder to connect. Sometimes it can help just to acknowledge that you miss each other, or recall times that have meant a great deal to you and plan ahead for the times to come. Some people are happy to engage in phone sex, while others are uncomfortable. The important thing is to respect how your partner feels. Be creative.

~Neither of us can control the situation, the timing, the rules…but we do control our reactions and behaviors. I hold him accountable for what he does or doesn’t do–not on the things beyond his control. I have asked that he change his language; don’t say “I will call Tuesday @ 5”, say, “if I can I will do this, if that doesn’t work, I will do this”…

~Establish some ground rules early on; we agree to try and resolve any issue during our phone call. If it cannot be resolved during one call we usually agree to “take it to paper” and discuss our perspectives in writing. Phone calls are precious and we hate spending the time in an argument. We agree to never hang up on one another in anger. Inevitably this would be when the phone would become completely unavailable to him, or he would
be sent to SHU, and those words said in anger would hang over us like a storm cloud, only feeling more ominous because of our lack of contact.

~Set a reasonable budget & stick to it. Taking care of you (and your children) is the priority; if you want (and are able) to provide him/her with money for commissary, remember that you are the one who pays for rent, utilities, transportation, medical, clothing and food. While these things are sparingly addressed ‘inside’, basic needs are met, whereas yours are not. Everything is expensive; letters and postage add up quickly, phone calls are insane, visits are costly in terms of travel and time. Not only does it add up financially, it takes a toll spiritually, physically and mentally. Don’t run yourself ragged or deplete all of your financial and human resources.

~You will miss phone calls. There will be times that you just don’t want to drive across state for a visit, or when you can’t keep your eyes open to write a letter. Be kind to yourself and know that you can only do what you can do. Read a book that you have wanted to read, get some scented candles and have a hot bath, buy yourself some flowers and enjoy them
every day…invest in yourself and treat yourself well.

~Do not live as though you are incarcerated. Go out with friends; see a movie, have a drink, go to dinner or go to the mall. Do things that make you smile or restore you. It becomes easy to make this time all about them, so you know when they have rec and take the phone to the bathroom with you because you may miss the call…do what you can do to have time
together, but understand that just because they can’t go out does not mean that you can’t. Their sentence is not a time when your life is frozen, and all joy and fun must be eliminated. You are a better partner when you have your own identity, friends, goals, etc. Share what you’re doing, make this an extension of the two of you. Live and bring them into it; it makes letters more interesting and you less resentful.

~Set goals. Each of you can work on emotional or behavioral issues like anger management, diet or substance abuse treatment…Go back to school for a degree or certificate…learn how to play an instrument…share books to read and discuss them together. Find ways to develop and share your journey and growth with your partner. Make this time about what you will accomplish—together—rather than dreading each day.

No doubt, I have omitted more ideas than what I have included. What is important to remember is to take care of yourself, respect and communicate with your partner—and expect the same thing back. Make it work. You will get through this…and you just might be better off on the other side.

If you are interested in interacting daily with people going through the same emotional journey you are, of living as the loved one of an inmate, take a look at Prison Talk. This is a forum where you can talk about anything, ask questions, get advice, get ideas, provide ideas, etc. In this forum, nobody judges…everyone is on your side.