I don't trust my husband. I love him but don't trust him, we are working on that though. We have counselling set up for his release which I've already started. I would be furious too! My husband was flirting with a girl ge worked with, caught him list my temper said he wouldn't do it again but oh surprise surprise he did. I got so jealous I started texting her whilst he slept pretending I was him. I was very pregnant, very hormonal but I was so angry. Still am and its 6 years since they stopped talking. I would pull him up about it if it was me but only you can decide that. I learned the hard way when my husband was glued to his phone, I ignored it as I decided to fully trust him and he ended up in really dark chat rooms hence why I'm in this group. I'd just say its making you uncomfortable, you're working building trust up but this isn't helping. Trust is such a difficult thing to get back.

I agree, SallyBlue. My husband was released in May. He's still the same guy I fell in love with 20 years ago, but he touched our granddaughter right under my nose, too, and then kept it secret for years. We are in counseling now. I am amazed at how the gravity of what he was doing when he was touching her never really dawned on him. Intellectually, he knew what he was doing but there are was a part of him that didn't allow him to register the whole thing. In fact, it didn't even dawn on him how horrible this was until after he had been in jail for a few weeks. And this is a very intelligent man!

This, however, is a very typical pattern with pedophiles who offend. Perhaps that is one reason trust is so hard to regain. Even though he knew he was doing something wrong, uncharacteristically, he was not fully aware. In other words, in this situation, there was some other process going on.

I'm kind of into the brain science thing so bare with me. The brain functions on multiple levels. Sometimes the lower levels can blunt the higher thinking levels. Sometimes this is called "hijacking". The more basic, instinctual levels can take control and stop you from thinking clearly. We all experience this daily but don't realize it. What amazes me is that my husband stayed stuck in that for years! I actually remember visiting him at the jail when reality started setting in. It was pretty bizarre.

We're working through this now in counseling. I can't say its easy to sit there and hear him talk about his "experience" but I need to hear it. I also need to know that this brain fog he was in is gone. I know, I know. Some people will say I'm making excuses, but I say that if someone sees this as making an excuse then they are making an excuse for not wanting to find the explanations for this particular pattern of behavior.

I want to trust my husband again. I'm working on it.

I have always been told you can;t love someone if you can;t trust them. So this is why I am so confused. I love my husband but trust is a thing of the past and how can he build it up while he is locked up. I mean i have to take his word and trust he is being honest. Which is hard to do given what we have been through and what he did broke trust and i am not sure if he can ever win it back from me.
There are days i just want to walk away from all of this. But i know in my heart even if i walk away it will still hurt and i will still love him and worry about him.

hurtin wife Lets see, he molested your daughter? betrayed you with other girlfriend/s? (BTW, did the gf/s all have daughters too?) and you say now you can't even be sure he's not 2 timing you in prison (maybe with cute guys? or pen pall pics? or extra visitors on the days you aren't there, you know just so he'll have options when he gets out and extra canteen $$$ on his books while he's inside.? He's just enjoying "programing" all the females in his life to suit his needs.

So, What exactly would this guy have to do to make you decide that you REALLY can't trust him (and you can't) AND also decide to actually walk away from this relationship that is making you crazy with jealousy? Why stick around waiting for the final, FINAL betrayal of your "love." Because, in my opinion, as long as your guy can push your buttons, I think he'll keep on having fun playing games that inflate his egoand crush you. Some guys are just natural born jerks and they enjoy the perks that come with being jerks

Hubby and I will be going through counseling whenever he comes home. Trust was broken when he abused our daughter. But I have learned that trust can be restored when a partner does something to betray you (think about couples who survived an affair). Hubby has worked in several things while incarcerated.

If I found out that he was speaking to an old flame, or anyone whom I'm not comfortable with him communicating with, and he didn't respect me to stop when I asked him to, then I would not stick around. To me, that would say that he hasn't changed and he is only thinking about himself.

He also tells me when he is not comfortable with me speaking to certain people. I respect his position, and even though I would never be romantically involved, I put distance between us.

Thoughtasweak thank you as i feel they can change. He hasn't given me a real reason to believe there is anything between him and this person now other than she wrote to him. Will have to see what he says about writing her back and as he knows how i feel.
I really want to be there for him through this but his actions will determine this.

No trust means no relationship. Not sure how you can get around that. You can love of course, but that doesn't mean intimacy has to continue.

DealMe, trust can be earned back. That is something hubby and I work on, and will continue to work on whenever he comes home.

If they both work at restoring the trust he broke, then the relationship can continue.

Hurtinwife, I hope he doesn't write back, knowing how you feel. But you are right, his actions will dictate if your relationship with him will continue. As long as you put a line in the sand, don't be afraid to stand your ground if he steps one toe over the line - walk away. If he stays as far from that line, you know that you can trust him, and the relationship will last.

I want to believe that we can build the trust back, i know it will take a lot of work on both our parts especially his.
I want to truly believe that he will understand where i am coming form on this. He sent me an email stating he thought i was upset and made about him telling me about the email. I wrote back tonight and told him that i was not upset or mad i am just curious as to why now after all those years does she want to write to you. I also told i as his wife have a right to express my opinion on this and that YES he has to be open with me about these things and he may not always get the answer he wants to hear and that he needs to stop an remember who has been there for him during all of this. I also told him that he has to try and put himself in my spot. Told him to think about how he would handle things if the tables were turned and i was the one who did what he did and he was out here. I asked to think about how he thinks he would of handle everything that i have been through and if he would have trust issues and how he would feel if someone from my past suddenly appeared out of no where. And that me as the spouse has to be first and foremost and that he has to tell me things no matter what my reaction will be or our relationship will not last!!!. It was a long letter and i hope he reads it all. Not sure how he will respond. It will be interesting.
Thanks for all the advice.

I talked to my husband this morning as he stood in line 3 hours to call me as i was supposed to have surgery today which didn't happen as o had a bad reaction to medicine they gave right before taking me into surgery. He said he diddidn't write back an doesn't plan to. I guess the last email hit home. Boy he's in for a real awakening when he gets my email about what went wrong today at the hospital. I was so afraid i never had this nad of a reaction to medicine, i thought i wad dying.

I'm having a similar issue as hurtin wife ours is about his daughter who is causing us issues. Which I've talked about before and shes at it again and just 1 day before my surgery this time. She been at it for about a month this time. She writes him telling him things trying to cause us problems. This time she's telling him things I'm supposedly doing to her and i got pissed when i found out she did it yesterday and told him how it is. Basically it's me or her as im not playing games with him or her. I told him he had to choose.