Families of SOs Community Group
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Hey all,
I know it's been...wow...since May since I have last visited. I guess I have been chasing some squirrels...lol. I apologize in advance for the lengthy post.
I can't necessarily complain. My job is there, though my immediate bosses boss hates me for some reason (I think it's because he knows of my past. I am like 98% sure but still cannot comment on the 2%) I am thankful I still have a job. Because, well... it could be worse. I also live in a "Right to Work" state. If they really wanted to get rid of me...they can.
I am currently seeing a counselor because I just need someone to talk to that's not any one of my family or friends necessarily. It's been helping but I have a little ways to go yet before I can feel some sort of like myself again. Which I can say that there are days that I don't even think about "the registry" or someone who might recognize me because I live in a town of 55,000 people roughly. Those are the good days.
The bad days have been hanging on me like the proverbial "monkey on my back".
The reason? I am just so friggin' lonely.
My counselor has suggested some anti-depressants, but I am extremely leery of taking something that might not even work, and do I really need it because of my relationship with God....y'know...that battle.
I work for a fairly prominent company that can be considered to be in the public eye a lot. So I have to be very careful in who I hang out with. For the most part I work then come home and sit. It's my disability that keeps me from moving around more. Every once in a while I can hang out with some co-workers but it's few and far between. A lot of co-workers are younger than I. So that makes hangin' out a little harder sometimes.
I do go to church, but there are not a lot of people near my age that I can hang out with. Mostly because they have families and I am definitely a third wheel.
I don't have much in the way of money for any runnin' around for whatever that might entail.
So I do what I can.
It was just today believe it or not that I came across an ad in Craigslist that happened to come from a friend of a friend that was currently incarcerated. It led me to a pen-pal site. I got to thinking:
1. Because most of the dating websites now explicitly ban SO's from being on their site period.
2. Most normal avenues of finding a potential mate are extremely slim:
a.) Enter into the mix 1. The felony
b.) The disability.
I began to do a search today for perhaps a potential mate on a pen-pal prisoner website and I thought to myself, "Self... I realize that the dating pool is slim to none for guys like me in my situation... incarcerated females are asking outsiders not to judge, what about expecting the same out of them and maybe taking a shot at it?" A little later I began to remember what happened when I was on the inside... I am sure that even female SO's in prison are ostracized, etc. etc... and even if you found a potential Godly woman she would have a problem with you most likely. But then again... I dunno... I don't know what to think even now as I type.
Should I even? Or should I just let the idea go?
If I do try and contact, I know that prison systems sometimes or all the time monitor letters, phone calls, e-mails, etc., etc... should I say something within the first letter or let it ride for 1 or two letters first? Or from the first letter make it known that I have made a bad life choice in the past too and ask them to think about it first... and then if they are okay with the idea...then tell them the ugly mess.
I dunno... I am just thinkin' out loud.
Sorry I am rambling on... just so friggin' lonely it aches.... a lot.
I know it's been...wow...since May since I have last visited. I guess I have been chasing some squirrels...lol. I apologize in advance for the lengthy post.
I can't necessarily complain. My job is there, though my immediate bosses boss hates me for some reason (I think it's because he knows of my past. I am like 98% sure but still cannot comment on the 2%) I am thankful I still have a job. Because, well... it could be worse. I also live in a "Right to Work" state. If they really wanted to get rid of me...they can.
I am currently seeing a counselor because I just need someone to talk to that's not any one of my family or friends necessarily. It's been helping but I have a little ways to go yet before I can feel some sort of like myself again. Which I can say that there are days that I don't even think about "the registry" or someone who might recognize me because I live in a town of 55,000 people roughly. Those are the good days.
The bad days have been hanging on me like the proverbial "monkey on my back".
The reason? I am just so friggin' lonely.
My counselor has suggested some anti-depressants, but I am extremely leery of taking something that might not even work, and do I really need it because of my relationship with God....y'know...that battle.
I work for a fairly prominent company that can be considered to be in the public eye a lot. So I have to be very careful in who I hang out with. For the most part I work then come home and sit. It's my disability that keeps me from moving around more. Every once in a while I can hang out with some co-workers but it's few and far between. A lot of co-workers are younger than I. So that makes hangin' out a little harder sometimes.
I do go to church, but there are not a lot of people near my age that I can hang out with. Mostly because they have families and I am definitely a third wheel.
I don't have much in the way of money for any runnin' around for whatever that might entail.
So I do what I can.
It was just today believe it or not that I came across an ad in Craigslist that happened to come from a friend of a friend that was currently incarcerated. It led me to a pen-pal site. I got to thinking:
1. Because most of the dating websites now explicitly ban SO's from being on their site period.
2. Most normal avenues of finding a potential mate are extremely slim:
a.) Enter into the mix 1. The felony
b.) The disability.
I began to do a search today for perhaps a potential mate on a pen-pal prisoner website and I thought to myself, "Self... I realize that the dating pool is slim to none for guys like me in my situation... incarcerated females are asking outsiders not to judge, what about expecting the same out of them and maybe taking a shot at it?" A little later I began to remember what happened when I was on the inside... I am sure that even female SO's in prison are ostracized, etc. etc... and even if you found a potential Godly woman she would have a problem with you most likely. But then again... I dunno... I don't know what to think even now as I type.
Should I even? Or should I just let the idea go?
If I do try and contact, I know that prison systems sometimes or all the time monitor letters, phone calls, e-mails, etc., etc... should I say something within the first letter or let it ride for 1 or two letters first? Or from the first letter make it known that I have made a bad life choice in the past too and ask them to think about it first... and then if they are okay with the idea...then tell them the ugly mess.
I dunno... I am just thinkin' out loud.
Sorry I am rambling on... just so friggin' lonely it aches.... a lot.
Before I married my wife I was in the same situation you were in without being able to use online dating. I found dates at the gym, from church events, friends of co-workers, friends of extended family. Most of that ended in disaster, but one did work out.,
Just work on becoming the best version of yourself that you can be, socially, emotionally, and physically, and if you keep on putting yourself out there you will find a godly woman. They are out there, I know they exist. It took my a long time to find my wife but she is an angel. So too are all the wives and mom'svthat support RSOs here.
You will find someone who won't judge you on your past.
Are there any Celebrate Recovery Groups in your area? Those are really good venues for finding individuals who put their faith in God and Jesus. I've heard good things about them, and am considering finding one for myself in AR.
In the meantime, keep talking to the peeps on here-we'll support you no matter what!
I have looked through literally hundreds of profiles and scanned many many pasts on the pen-pal sight and I have only come up with one (1). That's right... one. Mostly because I used to be one... I know one. I can see past what they write including it did help to have tips from the site itself.
But it all comes down to a few things:
1. It's not guaranteed that they want to change.
2. A lot of times when you look at records, they are going to have a hard time changing or have proved they do not want to change.
3. Even "if" everything worked out in the beginning. There are a TON of scam artists that will turn on the certain charms only a woman can do to get you hooked in, get what they want, then after contact they drop you like a bad habit.
4. Given that the both of us, if it worked out, would have a harder time than most couples with just one having a bad background... little lone both.
I dunno about even contacting this one. I may just to see... but the odds given the fact that I weeded out hundreds to get this one... the odds are not in my favor...lol. Jus thinkin' out loud now...lol.
But you guys and gals are right. Just keep my nose to the grindstone.
Btw I did check out the Celebrate Recovery at the church that I do not go to (I attend another church) and the Sexual Addictions group was paltry at best. It was not an environment for growth... at all. It was too cold and calloused. Trust me...I wasn't being picky... I have been to many many different groups... this one my spirit did not bear witness with.
@MistyU: I would be lying to myself if I didn't say, "Hey let me join this _______ group and I am wondering if any cute women would be there." (I know women do it too...lol.) It would be extremely hard to fight that emotion. However, (see below)
@Independent: You are correct as well and I am to expect some "failures/disasters" because it's just like beginning to ski for the first time. My friend told me point blank, "You're gonna fall down and I am going to dust you." He did. The mistake I made along with that is bend my head down and part of that wall of snow that I saw coming for me went down the back of my coat through the hole that was created when I bent my head down...lol.
@all: Probably the biggest bump in the road is my finances. I just about cannot rub two nickels together and zero savings being in my mid 40's. So how do I expect to take a date out? <sigh...forgot about that part>
Thinking about the advice from jimnjanna I wonder if I keep putting myself out there that if someone would be mad or just wants to be a pain in the arse and wants to make waves because I work for this in the public eye company and I would lose my job. Guess I cannot be afraid of that because if God has got my back even if that does happen, He will be my Helper.